after years of knowing iâm autistic, i finally found a psychologist that can actually assess me. every time my FD (family doctor) has sent me to someone, theyâve all said they canât diagnose me.
the psychiatrist couldnât because theyâre clinical and handle medications, not behaviour.
i go back to my FD for a new referral.
the psychologist couldnât because she didnât have the specific certification in neurodevelopment and therefore wasnât qualified to assess me.
both said i present as autistic, they just couldnât diagnose me.
so after years i finally find CBTI, who doesnât need a referral from my FD to assess me. i can self-refer.
so i do.
two sessions with the psych candidate. 2.5 excruciating hours of painstakingly trying to explain to this psychologist why and how i know iâm autistic. 2.5 hours of giving him the receipts and the anecdotes and all the proof he needs that iâm in fact very autistic.
during the first session he asks me about having OCD, anxiety, and depression.
i do not in fact have OCD. i donât have any of the markers. nothing bad will happen if i donât set the microwave to 44 seconds, it just makes my brain happy when i do it. nothing bad will happen if the volume on my car stereo isnât set to 16 for bluetooth when not in use, 24 when in use, and 8 for the radio that i never use (because of the static and how it physically hurts my ears). it just makes my brain happy and if itâs not on a multiple of 4, set to these numbers before i turn off the car, it hurts my ears and doesnât feel right. the tv volume is always set to a multiple of 4 because i can see the number when i change it. if i canât see the volume number, idgaf. out of sight out of mind. so my phone volume and bluetooth speaker volume arenât set to multiples of 4, because i canât see the numbers and therefore go based on whether it feels right or it physically hurts to have it at that volume.
aka no OCD.
anxiety? oh you mean besides the constant worry about my first pregnancy? not at all.
depression? not since they took me off birth control 5 years ago. my MDD was a side effect of the contraception, not a stand-alone condition.
he made me take 8 quizzes:
1. autism quotient
2. adult adhd self-reporting scale
3. rosenberg self-esteem scale
4. depression quiz
5. florida OCD quiz
6. generalized anxiety quiz
7. anxiety quiz
8. social interaction anxiety quiz
and how did i do, you ask?
glad you asked. i scored very low on each anxiety quiz, low on the depression quiz, a 3 on the adhd scale (meaning no adhd, as i already suspected since between my bf with adhd and myself, iâm the one who can locate anything within 5mins whereas he could misplace something in 5 seconds and then not be able to find it, even if itâs directly in his line of sight, and also forgets where he puts literally everything), and âmoderately lowâ on the self-esteem scale. which depends on the day and whether iâve been constantly misunderstood or am overstimulated or overwhelmed.
as i warned him i would, i scored a 0 on the OCD quiz. a LITERAL ZERO. i reported not presenting any of the OCD markers and apparently he needed my answers to the quiz to prove it. ah well.
as for the autism quotient⊠this is what the psych candidate had to say about it, verbatim: âher score of 40 on the AQ is significantly above the cutoff typically associated with autism spectrum disorder (ASD)â.
meaning i am very autistic. but we already knew that.
after reading through his 5 page report, i discovered that this whole experience has been a perfect summary of what itâs like to be autistic.
he fundamentally misunderstood me the entire time he was assessing me. here are some examples:
âą when i was being direct to avoid miscommunication, he interpreted it as being âguarded and defensiveâ. i was quite literally being as clear and direct as possible while trying not to get frustrated by the constant misunderstanding on his part despite how direct i was. not guarded or defensive at all. just very sick of always being misunderstood when iâm actually being quite clear.
âą when i said i canât touch sherpa, and he asked what that was, my response was: [itâs the yucky fabric that gets stuck between the ridges of your fingerprints that you sometimes see as the inside lining of a jacket or one side of a blanket. apparently some people call it a âteddy bearâ type fabric when itâs on a jacket, or more recently, pyjamas at places like LVER. i donât know why they call it that. it doesnât feel anything like a teddy bear.] in his report, he wrote that i have sensory issues with sherpa and teddy bear fabrics. this is not the case. i donât have an issue with teddy bears. i have several teddy bears and can touch them freely without risk of sensory issues. i have an issue with sherpa.
âą when he asked about the special cups i use and donât let anyone else use, i said it was because theyâre big so they fit a lot, and they have a straw so it makes my brain happy. when i use these cups, i drink way more water and its better for me overall. i donât let anyone use them because i donât want anything to happen to them or for them to get used for the wrong thing. he wrote that i use specific cups of a âsimilar shapeâ. âŠthatâs not why i use them. it has nothing to do with their shape. itâs that theyâre a) big enough to fit lots of water, and b) they have a straw.
âą when he asked about specific smells and other sensory input that bothers me, i said i canât be around artificial vanilla (it smells like formaldehyde and death to me. keep your rotting-corpse-in-a-morgue candle away from me, thanks), and strong aerosols that have an alcohol-y smell to them. i also struggle in hospitals/doctors offices/etc because theyâre a) extremely bright, b) smell very sterile and sometimes itâs quite strong on the alcohol-y smell from the disinfectants, and c) is an overall stressful and overwhelming experience for me, especially since i never get the care i need BECAUSE I KEEP GETTING MISUNDERSTOOD OR IGNORED BECAUSE IâM SO SELF-AWARE. he wrote that i struggle with hospitals and doctors offices because they smell of vanilla and aerosol. âŠhow in the blue fuck did you get that.
so overall iâd say he fundamentally misunderstood me the way i supposedly fundamentally misunderstood Hobbes, but i got the diagnosis anyway.
i swear, this is the psychological assessment equivalent of using the wrong equation and getting the right answer.
my findings areâŠ
the autistic experience: getting fundamentally misunderstood in an autism assessment despite being painfully direct, knocking the AQ scoring out of the park, and getting diagnosed as autistic anyway.
this is what itâs like to be autistic, folks.
also⊠has anyone actually seen the AQ? definitely not written by autistics. i had so many issues with the way they worded it that made scoring my quiz (and the others) quite difficult for the psych candidate. i told him a million times âi donât get anxious. i get uncomfortable. thereâs a difference.â and he somehow still didnât get it. so he had to customize my quiz to get actual answers out of me because i literally couldnât get past the wording. if itâs âanxiousâ, itâs a no. if itâs âuncomfortableâ, itâs a yes.
also a ton of the questions made no sense and had to be re-worded because they werenât literal at all and had way too many possible meanings.
let us autistics write the AQ. itâll be easier for everyone.
TLDR: got assessed for autism, psychologist fundamentally misunderstood me the whole time, scored abnormally high on the autism quotient, had a report full of incorrect information, got diagnosed anyway. *eye roll*
