[scorchedkitten]

There are some days where I would give anything to be hot and sexy instead of cute.

Probably why I'm decently smart. 🤷‍♀️

[scorchedkitten]

Sometimes I wish I didn't have the dog. Then I could just not be here anymore

[scorchedkitten]

I'm never going to be a person that is enough fot anybody to love so what s the point.

I don't matter enough. I'm not worthy. Whats the point

It's funny how the person that made tpu feel like you mattered and made you think you were special could be the person that makea you feel worthless and insignificant.

[scorchedkitten]

My battery is at zero.

[masterxdanx]

[scorchedkitten]

Is it though?????

[infinitelyhisgirl]

∞

[mybellaluna67]

Sundress season is coming

[the-inspiring-quotes]

[scorchedkitten]

Not sure which one lol

[masterxdanx]

[scorchedkitten]

Lost, unsure, and anxious all the time lately.

Not to mention exhausted.

But still trying every day.

[scorchedkitten]

I tried to aknowledge you had a meh day and tried to do what I thought would help make it a better day. I tried to support the gym, figured out dinner, made it to the best of my ability and still not good enough to even warrant a smile or a hug or a kiss when you got home and any attempt to engage conversation was like I was bothering you - was too anxious to push the issue bc I didn't want to argue or fight w you and your energy felt like you were looking for a fight or you wished I wasnt there. So I took a walk to get out my frustration so I wouldn't do or say anything I didn't mean and when I got home I didn't even get so much as a hello, hay, how's was your walk or anything from you, so I left you alone and did some cleaning and went upstairs sp you could work though whatever it is thats bothering you.

Exhausted.

[scorchedkitten]

I wish I could be one of those women who just loves themselves at any size. I HATE that I've gained weight. I'm ashamed and feel like I'm disgusting.

And I also HATE that getting to and maintaining a weight that I deem acceptable feels SO HARD.

I hate that for as long as I am alive I will never be the hot chick in the room. It will be omg you're adorable, such a cute, blah blah blah. Which, I mean there are worse things in life and thankful for that at least, but I will never be the woman that makes any man stop dead in their tracks and has them looking up and down to be like damn you look so hot in <enter type of outfit, color> unless I make myself absolutely miserable with strict diet and exercise.

I dont want to take any shots or have surgery but I get why it is so tempting for people. I know it's vain and stupid but I'm so tired of never feeling good enough about my body or my looks.

My father constantly pointed out my weight - whether gain or loss but always that I needed to lose more. Also the first person that mattered to me that made fun of how hairy I am. Showed him w all the money spent on laser right ?

My mother - almost the same. Commenting on gain, nitpicking clothing and even how long my hair is.

Anyone I have ever loved or cared about has made a comment about my appearance that has made me self conscious, whether they meant to or not. And it's a constant in my subconscious ... And I wish I could just be someone who could let it go but I can't .. here's a list I can think of off the top of my head -

Lose weight, but not too much so that my boobs get smaller

You're beautiful at any size but don't let your belly get bigger than your boobs (and would point out when I was getting "close" )

I'll love you at any size but if you get too fat it will be from afar.

Ugh we look good in this picture but your face is so red, I can fix it with a filter

I love your hair, but only when it's straight

I thought you would have straightened your hair for <event> so you would look nice

Your curls would look nice if they weren't so frizzy

Yeah I like that hair style but not the way you did it - I thought it would look nicer/looked good on <insert name of person>

Your legs are too skinny - they look like chicken legs !

Your feet were so cute before you ruined them with tattoos, put some socks on

You'd look so pretty if your tattoos weren't showing

Don't wear a strapless top you'll look like a football player w those broad shoulders

You look good kid ! I can tell you've lost some weight - 30 more lbs and you'll be there ! Good for you !

Ok rent over. Just feeling so blah and drained but trying not to show it.

[scorchedkitten]

So I had a lot of down time to think this weekend. I didn't see your to think about anything specific just let my mind wander ... And what I ended up thinking about and dissecting was unexpected.

Events from 2021 and 2023 had such a significant impact on me. Which is not new information at all, but I started thinking about impacts of the events good and bad (mostly bad) have had on my sexuality.

It all started when I started thinking about how I missed my old account and being Kitten. Kitten allows me to express everything I had repressed about my sexuality bc of judgement, preconceived notions of what is appropriate and not appropriate due to various influences during my upbringing. It was so good to find a community and a person who accepted me for ME and actually seemed to relish in that side of myself. Blindly, lost in the fantasy, I never thought that there would be anyone else enjoying that same dynamic and hurt myself. I had no claim or anything like that so it was dealt with and pushed past it. Or so I thought. Now I have this underlying fear of not being special that creeps up from time to time for absolutely no reason at all. And I hate it. It's a feeling that's been getting worse lately for no reason at all. It's hard to explain.

When the Earth was scorched and my fantasy world was exposed to those I was hiding it from, there was so much judgement, so much shame, so much bullying and vicious torment they came from it from people who had once said they loved me. I felt so exposed and so vulnerable, which are two things I absolutely can't stand when it is not within my control. The glimpse into my fantasy world was shared w people without my permission and they are it up like oteqa celebrity gossip. I believe this and so many other factors subconsciously made me hide that side again, even when around people who would not judge because I was made to be ashamed of it. Degraded for it. Had it used against me. For nothing more than payback. When this world shattered and was exposed, as well as the fantasy of it only including me, it was like a piece of myself shattered as well. It's so hard to explain.

I spent years of my life trying to be a person that people expected me to be. Dress a certain way, act a certain way, BE a certain person And hid anything that didn't fit the mold bc I wanted love and acceptance. And it was all for nothing in the blink of an eye on my normal every day life as well as in the fantasy. I wasn't special to anyone anywhere ..... At least on the fantasy I liked who I was - even more so I felt validated that others liked that as well. And then it was used against me and made me not like myself anymore. And I think I carried it with me. Hesitant to let go again .... Because I know deep down that if I ever have to go through a feaction of what I went through during those years ever again, I think it would break me. I don't think I can mentally go through it again - and so my subconscious started creating excuses to prevent that side of me from coming out easily. I don't know.

I do know I miss it. And I'm getting her back. The confidence, the curiosity and the fun. I'm tired of being tired, tired of being scared, tired of holding back.

So slowly but surely - I will get her back. I'll find her again and be better for it. Just needed to get all this out to stop thinking about it ..... It might be 2026 but in some ways the trauma doesn't feel like it was years ago bc it stays with me even tho I wish it wouldnt. It randomly impacts my thoughts and feelings for no reason at all and brings me to a place of uncertainty and fear and self loathing.

[scorchedkitten]

I'm So tired of being unhappy and feeling like I'm not anyone's favorite person or special.

Like there's no reason for me to even be on this planet.

I mean what's my purpose really? Sometimes I just feel like I'm taking up space and resources away from other people in the world.

The last time I felt like this I was definitely a lot more fun... Maybe it's time to return to that girl. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Just get up and handle each day one as t a time.

[infinitelyhisgirl]

∞

[remanence-of-love]

[scorchedkitten]

🩷🩷🩷🩷 I try

[disgustinggf]

[scorchedkitten]

Never had this. Are there men that do this when their SOs cry?

[scorchedkitten]

I want to be dominated but in a loving way .... Is that not truly being a submissive ? Is that wanting something else ?

Like -

I want you to be wearing your plug when I get home, do you think you could do that for me kitten?

K - my tummy isn't feeling the best today ::doesn't want to disappoint/ terrified of him being mad and/or frustrated bc her tummy always seems to be hurting, but she is afraid of what embarrassing thing may happen if she does put it in and potentially disappointing that way or ruining everything::::

Hoping the response is something like :

Awww poor kitten I'm sorry your not feeling up to it - if you are later I would be very very happy, but how about instead I want you to wear something you feel sexy in and be on your knees in front of my chair when I walk through the door w a toy of choice

K - I can do that !!!

No disappointment no anger at being "disobient" bc not just saying yes. Taking into consideration what the limits may be that day and exploring another option.