Scott Boxenbaum's Topical Joke Reservoir

The finest jokes that ever a man could write.

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A Bumble Bee tuna worker was cooked to death in an industrial oven.  Bumble Bee had to change their slogan to “Bumble Bee is made of people... It’s made of people”.

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Studies show primitive hunter-gatherers who reached the age of 30 were as likely to die the following year as a 70 year-old modern human.  But modern 70 year-olds are more likely to complain about their children not calling enough.

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The people of Scotland will vote on their independence from England in 2014.  They made their voices unclear in a loud, unintelligible accent.

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A study shows girls who received the HPV vaccines are no more sexually active than unvaccinated girls.  But they’re still sluts anyway.

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Actor and American Indian activist Russell Means died.  He will be going to that Great Audition In The Sky.

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Researchers have found trace levels of cocaine and marijuana in Italian air.  Authorities responded by making air illegal.

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The New York state Court of Appeals ruled that payments for lap dancers are not exempt from taxes because they are not artistic performances.  A local stripper protested, saying “I’m an artist... at taking money out of mens’ pockets”.

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At the third debate, Mitt Romney criticized the number of ships in the US Navy.  Obama said “well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets”.  Fact-checkers confirmed this, though they did say the armed forces had plenty of oxen and bludgeons.

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California Ballot Measure B will require male porn stars to wear condoms.  The measure will also require a “date” scene  where male porn stars must open the car door for the woman and not go dutch on dinner.

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Flavor Flav was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon.   He started talking to someone.

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A Bangladeshi man tried to detonate a bomb at the Federal Reserve that turned out to be a dud- the script to the movie “John Carter”.

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A Maine woman was charged with running a brothel out of a Zumba studio.  Authorities got suspicious when the woman offered 10 classes for $120, $200 including full service.

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Scientists have found an earth-like planet beyond our solar system.  The planet contains liquid water, oxygen, and a Dave 'n Busters chain.

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“Emmanuelle” star Sylvia Kristel died.   Middle-aged boners will be held at half-mast.

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Studies show the quality of a woman’s relationship with her father affects her sexual behavior. Girls with poor father-daughter relationships tend to engage in risky teen sex, go into stripping, and are usually named Lexus.

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Mad Libs founder Larry Sloan passed away.  His gravestone will read ________ In Peace.

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New Jersey is voting on a right-to-die law.  The law would apply to the terminally ill and people who have to live in Newark.