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@scribblednotebook
oh hello. it’s been quite awhile, isnt it?
well, life has sure took a turn since my last post and i’m really proud and happy to leave the black hole. i’m still finding me, again.
i thought i could have forgotten my account and password, but looks like i still remembered it. gave me quite a surprise. (:
i know this post is all over the place, and perhaps it’s good this way. i’m supposed to be doing research for my assignment and not blogging. so maybe some other time then.
time: 11:48pm, 31dec'14
2014, i would have never actually thought that i was able to live up till today. the past 2 years was tough, a spiral staircase with roller coaster emotions that led me to what seems like hell. many thoughts have ran through my mind, all full of despair, misery and hopelessness. each new day was just another day of misery and i, i wanted the world to end so i could just.... die. but somehow, i could not bring myself to physically harm myself and i dont know why.. and all the torture was emotional and mental. i remember times that i thought i was going mad, and wanted to admit myself into an asylum home.
so, as i sit here tonight alone... i still cant believe that i survived 2014 despite the times i thought or even felt like dying. it felt that everything was taken away from me, nothing to live for anymore.
i lost all purpose of life, of living. i thought it was the end. the happy girl that people see was just a facade, a mask so that people wont see my pain. i felt cold and distant from everyone, cos nobody really seems to know what i was going through. i felt nothing, but alone and facing a losing battle.
end of last year, i thought enough was enough. i do not want to live in self pity, in this misery of life, in this nightmare. i sought help, forced myself to wake up. and this, was a re-starting moment.
a pit stop, i told myself and everyone. perhaps, before i can carry on forward.. i needed to pause and rest after climbing out of the dark deep hole in which i fell hard. it was a year of what seems like healing, and an escape of the dark thoughts of my mind.
2014, gave me a new sense of clarity and hope which came in the symbol of the mockingjay. it gave me a new focus of life, and it was also the year that helped me erase the toxic people out of my life. like i need them anyways right?
so, here i am.. sitting in northpoint starbucks, reflecting about the year instead of going for countdowns, feels pretty right. some readjustments, though i cant really tell the difference. (:
though i feel like i've matured along the couple of years, but at the same time, i dont think so. cos it still feel the same to me.
i've figured out my next step, and going full force for it... i'm keeping my emotions and hopes not all the way up, i've learnt my lessons there.
time now: 12:20am, 01jan'15
so though 2014 wasnt easy, a true struggle to pull through, to get better. so, it's time to re-position, keep my head held high. say goodbye to the past, say goodbye to the regrets and....
though sometimes i feel that time really makes a fool out of me, i've wasted so much time on years which i felt could be saved. but someone told me this, "where do you think you would be right now if you didnt go through all these?" i really dont know, maybe happier or maybe not? a million possiblities, but why dwell in those for nothing is too certain. so this life, my messy life is something i am grateful for as well.
so cheers. cheers to the new year ahead.
LIVE, LOVE, FAITH, DANCE.
so once again, i decided to drink a tiny bit of coffee just cos i was a little sleepy in the afternoon. and look at me now, wide awake AT NIGHT. damn it. good thing is that it aint insomnia (: though i kinda miss it... the quiet and peaceful night, time just seem to stop and just know that you are at one in the world. but hey, that's not the life that i want.. speaking of life, here's an update.
been like what..? 3 months since i last updated? i dont really see the need to update everyday or whatsoever, just the feel of updating will just bring me here. hehe. so, well.. i think i've been well? goofing off around with my colleagues, and most importantly.. still having my sanity.
i still remember years ago, i didnt act like my age.. goofing off, being childish. it was just a facade, to blend in with people that are younger than me as i was older than them due to the education system. and i honestly struggled with it. i guess i knew then that that wasnt me. i was frustrated at that, inside of me was screaming something else. i dont know what exactly but whatever it was.. it is certainly different now. i am no longer being childish. but i feel that i'm acting childish. in my opinion, being and acting is totally different, which i currently now dont wanna go into it, cos i'm lazy and i dont want to think. haha.
but i guess ultimately, whatever it was.. these past 2 years, shook this being childish for the sake of blending in with my peers away from me. yes, there are times that i can totally goof off and just be childish for the fun of it but now.. i feel that i've grown up. maybe to a lot of people, it's just me being more mature like being reasonable and seeing things from another point of view(?) but to me that's not.. okay, a little bit. but it's kinda different to me. i guess that it has always been inside of me, unable to let it out as i choose to repress it and for the sake of blending in, i chose another colour to paint on myself. so the past 2 years, really have shed that coat off. i cant really describe my growth that i feel but i know that i have definitely become wiser and more mature.
i saw once in an article about people in their 20s, they start taking care of their bodies etc etc and cutting toxic friendships away from their lives. i found it funny as i was already doing that before i read that article. i have to make 2 confessions though.. i aint that great taking care of my body, but i am definitely trying. okay, no more trying but DOING IT DAMN IT. and also cutting away unnecessary toxic friendships. i did away with a few i guess, but the major one was like.. i honestly sometimes miss the friendship and whatnot but i know it aint worth it. time to let go and be the bigger person (:
i had 2 major projects this year, but i shall keep it mum till i get on it. haha. well well well. that has been one weird ass blog post but i guess it has so far rather sum up what i've been thinking recently. nothing too deep. meh, i kinda miss that too.
it's been a month since i last blogged and a lot has been going in my life for quite some time now, and i dont know where to begin.
let's start with the obvious, work.
well, yes, if you have read my twitter, i have found a new job. a job that i have been wanting since last year but only wanted as a part time position. however, i decided to wake up from my self-given nightmare and find a permanent full-time job. so, i'm kinda proud to say that i'm a dental assistant (: the only drawback now is that i'm still on probation, waiting for confirmation (:
and bcos of work, i've been falling sick a lot lately.. nothing that i'm proud of. as i just started work and i've already taken a few days mc! i just hope that my body clock can adjust back to this new system (:
allow me to backtrack for a little while.
while i was reading harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban (for the 3rd time), i cam across this term that totally fit how i was feeling last year. a dementor's kiss. a dementor is a monster which floats around, feasting on other people's joy, causing the surrounding atmosphere to be cold and make the people feel that they can never be happy again. and when a dementor lowers his hood, they will perform a kiss which will suck the soul out of a person. the person will still live, no longer having a soul but as an empty shell.
and yes, that was how i felt last year. i was nothing but a shell of what i used to be. but it's a choice whether do i want to walk out of this nightmare.
everything in life has a choice. it's not just what life throws you. it's also your choice, your determination and your strength to decide to walk out of it or sink in melancholy and saying FML. we have a choice.
well, it has taken me 2 years just to walk out of this self-given nightmare but i'm glad that i finally did. it's about time. it feels good to finally do something and bouncing from part-time jobs to another no more. (: neither do i want to constantly be living under the pressure of living hand to mouth day by day.
i've decided to shelf my plans on studying. i've been telling people, i'm giving up on studying. but i guess it's less painful that way. there isnt any more constant reminders that i am saving up just for school. i guess i'm really just too afraid of another pain, another disappointment. so shelving my studying plans temporarily till further notice sounds good to me (:
i was totally broke earlier this month. literally! as most of the money i had, not only went to my daily expenses, i also had to return the examinations fee that i took to be a financial planner to the company. and that was over 300 bucks. but that aside, being broke is no joke, even when i was sick, i had to ask my mom to lend me some money. and i'm not going back there ever again. being broke sucks.
so yeap, that's all for now... and oh! my family.. well.... i think that it is kinda sad that the 2 meals that i had with my mom, we almost quarreled 5 minutes into our meals. and the words of what she said in the past still haunts me, "how can i love you when you break my trust everytime?" ouch. so her love = to me breaking her trust. okay... so i guess, we build a thick wall with each other to play safe.
that's it for now... till next time.
another day is about to pass,marking the end of another year.
i wasted another year. so what else is new? i've been searching for... directions? i've been lost for about 2 years now, and i regret wholeheartedly. time is no longer on my side, so when am i gonna wake up from this self-given nightmare? when am i really gonna pick myself up and walk from where i left off?
i wanna be myself again. this year, i came to a realization that i became nothing but a shell of what i used to be. i find myself sometimes void of feelings, emotions and dont know what else. it's like i've been so cold. i guess it's the best coping mechanism for me.
but as this marks the end of a cold horrible year, i hope to find myself in the new year. i'm not talking about new year resolutions (that hardly anyone keeps). but it's just me, myself and i.
i've been inside this hole, this dark hole for way too long. it's time to find the light. fight to find it if i have to. though i've lost my will to fight, i will do my best in this year to renew my strength and find my fight. fight whatever i have lost, regain it all.
through it all, nothing but through the Lord. i'm gonna make the effort to return. only from there will i be able to find my strength.
it's been a really long time since i exercise.
i mean, really really exercise.
jog, crunches and all those..
that shall be my personal exercise goal of 2014. to start exercising again and aim for that flat tummy i so desire. hell to the yeah (:
it's time for you to think about yourself.
letting go is a form of pain, or is it a form of relief? the pain of holding onto something that wasn't probably in your grasp in the beginning but yet you hold on so tightly, hoping that it will come true. but when it doesn't, no matter how much you deceive yourself, you know it's time to let it go, the pain that you once have to hold tightly, saying goodbye. finally, a sense of relief overcomes you, knowing that there's something better in store. you know that in your mind, but do you really know it in your heart? it's 2 different matters.
it's time for you to have a plan for your life.
i once did have a plan, a dream for my life, but it came crumbling down when i didn't get into university simply bcos my parents did not plan for that. i think i'm a hypocrite, you know? i once prided myself being able to pull myself up every time i fall,after a good cry or something first. but bottom line is that i will pull myself together, stand up and carry on walking from wherever i fell. and i gave that advice to people too. but this time, i can't and i dont know why... it seems like i have fallen into one of the deepest pit in this road, that no matter how much i try to shake off the dirt, to stand up and walk again, it seems like an impossible feat. i allow myself to crumble deeper and deeper as i try to find my mortal ways back out.
"dan, are you okay?" she asked. "yes", i lied.
as i told my mom my plans, tears were choked behind my eyes, unwilling to fall in front of my mom. only did it fall once i have retreated into my room. i can calmly tell people my plans, but when it comes to my mom, all walls i build comes crumbling down. why...
after running away from home 4 years ago, i find no source of comfort from my mom no matter how much i want to. a house that i live, it's not a home that i yearn for... times like these, i want my home. back in 349. it wasn't perfect,we had our problems and quarrels. but it was still home. sadly, that's gone. never coming back.
this mess that i call life, is going back to God the only way out of this? i'm just so sick of feeling empty, of chasing every temporary high, of finding ways to temporary block my mind.
i am nothing but a shell of what i used to be, a being that is existing for the sake of existing.. all purpose that i once have, gone.
perhaps it's time for me to go back to God, that's probably a start.
it's been 2 months since i last blogged. i've been kept busy.
-not really, besides procrastination and constantly not going to work in McCafe, i've been studying to earn my certificates to be financial planner. yes, you heard me FINANCIAL PLANNER. but i aint studying so much now ):
i've been seeking help.
-for my problem or would i say problems. sometimes, i feel just a little ashame that the last setback pull me all the way down to where i never thought i would be.
i've been promised a dreamless sleep.
-one of my medications is sleeping pills. yes, sleeping pills. but they will give me a good sleep with the promise of no dreams, which is sad for me as i'm a person which dreams means a lot to me, especially if i can remember them which shows that they have a certain amount of importance those dreams. but whenever i take them, i do not have any..
however, today's different. at the last 1 hour or so in my sleep, i dreamt. yes. i finally dreamed even though i took my pills last night. i dreamt that i was going back to school (Millennia Institute) as a repeat student in Pre-U 2, and the spot of the Student Council President was mine too. this goes to show my heart's yearning and desire to not only go back to school but to do something about council just like what i planned to do when i decided to join Council.
it was so real, i saw my friends taking the trains and all.. yada yada yada. but this stops right here, i know that it's just my heart's desire to go to school and wishing that everything was given directly to me without having to work so hard to earn it.
i can go on and on and on, but it's fruitless. or so i believe.
this dream keeps popping in my head and i cant think straight *excuses to procrastinate* and thus, my blog entry and... yeah, i've been reading harry potter too. last book. finally.
feel the warmth that only summer breezes can bring.
taking one step at a time, walking hand in hand. 1,2,3,4 cheek to cheek
and they're learning how to do the dance,
and let this love be forevermore, they say.
sweet sweet melodies that filled my head today. (: perhaps it's a good break for me, away from my insomnia, from my head and its critical thinking. away from all things in my head (:
with work today, i had a sudden craving to go to macritchie for a hike. you know, with my camera and all.. and maybe perhaps hit a little cafe when i'm all tired out, then i realize i have a lot of things to buy.
1. sports shoes (mine got stolen)
2. backpack (a small one will be fine)
3. some clothes (comfortable one ya know)
it doesn't sound a lot, i know.. but with everything totalled up? the cost. WOW. so i decided to have it once i'm richer ya know. hahaha.
but a sweet getaway would be a cafe, reading my childhood books. perhaps on my next off day. (:
i think i'll end here today. i'm just happy that there's no heavy thoughts right now (though the left side of my head is pounding). (: happy days.
must be rather easy to be a non-Christian at times, now another image of a non-Christian's life enters my mind.. but just lemme carry on with this. or a not-really close to God Christian.
or maybe it's just my upbringing. from young my mom has been wanting me to have God's will in my life, "seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness" she say. so maybe with this need to have God's will and plan in my life has driven me into this dilemma.
here i am, so far from God.. but yet i'm still praying whether my next move, be it career or school, is from Him
funny how i didn't pray for His will whether should i go into SPF or study psychology in university, but that aside first...
with the current situation in my life, i'm offered a career that i've never once dreamt of going into.. trust me, when it was spoken in the past, i turned it off cos i knew that wasnt the career for me. but now, i'm not so sure. this particular career will give me the opportunity to go to university but also interact with people (which i kinda like and i said it before last year).
so with that said, it drives me a dilemma. but there's a bigger dilemma here, "is it from God? is this His will and plan for me?" Oh God, i really do need some answers to whether is this for me a not.
i really do wish to make a decision on my own, that's why i say sometimes it's easy not being a Christian or a not so close to God Christian. they don't have to worry about such stuff. though i am not so close to God now, but with my upbringing..
i wish that there was some one, just ONE person who understands my dilemma, be my listening ear. lay down the cards for me to see, pray with and for me. my mom's too far out of reach, i need someone closer.
so sick.. what am i sick? sick of life? or perhaps sick of running away.. it's been 4 years.. perhaps it's time for me to return? maybe. no, it is time for me to return. but i really dont know how. so scared of trusts, insecurity.
i guessed it, it's really my psychological state of mind. and my mom confirms it. it's me driven to the corner by maybe God, to force that little girl inside of me that was non-existent or rather killed many years ago.. to come out and for me to grow up. really grow up. from young till now, i've been growing too fast, once said that i've got another side of me that i dont show to people. and that it's my mature, really thinking side. and that's the real me, i think. i've been stuck at this plateau, knowingly or unknowingly but i know spiritually it's planned for me to be stuck here. for that little girl to really grow.
suddenly, i am being brought back to a few years ago of my birthday.. apparently this song was sung to me..
You are forever in my life, you see me through the seasons,
You cover me with your hands, and lead me in Your righteousness
and i look to You, and i wait on You...
i'll sing to you Lord, a hymn of love for your faithfulness to me
i'm carried in everlasting arms, You never let me go.
Through it all
i'll sing to you Lord, a hymn of love for your faithfulness to me
i'm carried in everlasting arms, You never let me go.
Through it all
maybe God knew that this day would come.. and i never once thought of clicking this song when my iTunes opened. i wanted to listen to lana del ray's young and beautiful. melodramatic, beautiful even. but something led me to click this song again in my iPod.
pain.
my life's in such a mess. sometimes, i wish that i didnt have such a life. it'll be so much easier.
why God, why?
facing a dilemma, and here i am praying to God.. asking for His directions. but i strayed away from Him to begin with, will He listen?
in the solitude and serenity, i heard "don't go". that 2 words is the answer to my next step to a possible career that will be able to pay for my university. but at the same time, i dont know what to hear or believe any more. counting on my own strength for the past few years have led me to be too independent and rely no more on God. and looking back at my life, where it's so messed up. (changing schools, going into MI, dropping out of MI, enrolling into SIM and failed) every single part of it was God's plans. maybe except the dropping out of MI, that i really dont know. but the milk's been spilt, no point crying over that, am i right?
i'm too far from Him, strayed way way too far. i dont know whatever i'm listening or about to do is from Him.
i really need some answers, God.
even if it's really God's will for me not to go.. do i really wanna to be stuck at working $6/hr? even my knees are shaking and going weak when i think about it. i dont know how long more can i hold out. working from late afternoon till midnight.. do i really want that for my life?
i see myself nowhere, except to be in the Police Force. and given my knees, would that be a wise decision?
i need you, God. tomorrow, i hope to get my answers and also some directions. i really want to start school, latest next year August.
has it really been 4 days since our Nation's 48th Birthday? time certainly did fly fast.
i remember why i joined NDP'13- to be the Contingent Commander for RCY. perhaps i was inspired by the CC from RCYNDP'09, she was my VI, my senior.
looking pass at all my other seniors doing so well in HQ Ops, and here i am.. a lowly Unit VI. i know there will never come the day that i will stand in the same ranks as my senior. neither will i ever surpass my senior, so i thought that at least by being the CC would make my seniors & juniors proud of me too (once again, see that shallow need to be noticed)
that aside, i love Singapore and i really wanted a chance to represent the UG i love on the Floating Platform during National Day itself. i clearly remember in NDP'09 when i was just a First Aider, during one of its NEshow, it rained heavily during the National Anthem. we stood there, saluting together with all the Army personnels under the rain. THAT PRIDE- could not be explained. and i knew that i want to feel that pride once more before i end my journey with RCY.
though this year, this opportunity was given to someone else... there is not one time i wished that it was me instead. as i stood there at the highest point of the seating gallery. i closed my eyes, and tried to feel the ambience of the Nation's pride. i nearly cried.
not to mention that i also wished at that point of time that i had the honour of leading the RCY Contingent.
with all these being said, i had to stop myself from going overboard. to top it all off, one of my dearest NBSRCY cadets was not inside the main contingent due to her attendance.. and i really felt sad for her as she had to watch her other 5 batchmates march onto the Floating Platform while she stayed inside.
all these while, i was looking forward towards the end of this tiresome NDP'13 journey. i was glad that there were a group of cadets whom i really am proud to call them my clique during this journey - they encouraged me, helping me to pull through each training, waking up early, and fasting with them too. though they do not know it, but they were truly my source of strength. thank you kids.
not to mention that i'm super proud of my NBSRCY kids for persevering and finally to be able to march in the contingent. proud of you kids.
and now i wonder.. will i ever be given the chance of to feel that pride and lead that contingent?
perhaps not in RCY? but i do want it so badly to participate as a CC, oh that pride to be in.. perhaps in SPF? (:
but in all honesty, i'm glad that it's finally over.
a distraction i surround myself. with friends, work, my unit and NDP. a facade that i put on. a happiness that i have around, but wait? is it a mask? i doubt so.. i am an extrovert, so my source of energy comes from social circles.
but when darkness comes, that's when my tears wanna roll down my cheeks uncontrollably. for what? many many things. to list them down, would reveal a very secret and dark me which i'm not ready to share with the world.
let's start with one... change. i know that i have several personal behaviour that people disagree upon. one of which is my straightfoward-ness, add on to that, it's my tone. i know that pisses people off.. but hey, i'm doing my very best to change that. my methods arent exactly very pleasing either. but trust me, i'm doing the best i can.
listening to Lana DelRay's Young and Beautiful and typing this post, hmm. her voice is very.. melancholic.
moving on.
there is just so many things to think about.. i think the biggest one is enough to make me cry and to worry like no tomorrow. i hate hanging on to the possibility of "it might be there, it might not" i like to hang on to the solid.
home is not a place where i can let it all out either. hidden it inside of me. no wonder i can go mad.
till then... safe and sound, i hope.
july 2013.
half a year gone already. i'm still alive. apparently so. so many words i wish to say, but i'm watched. that i know.
breaking, but keeping on the facade. the mask that is "oh-so-strong" will tear down one day. trust me, it will.
so many things has happened in the past year since i last blogged, so many feelings and thoughts that has been bottled inside of me. unsure of where can i unload it all off.. perhaps this is the place. perhaps. that remains to be seen.
suspense kills me.
blissfully sour.
when was the last time, that we could play without a single worry? never have to think about what will happen after this activity, or never even have to think of what to have for dinner...
most of us, i believe, wish that we could be little kids playing without any worries. just live life as it is meant to be, pure and blissful. but no, life gives us truck loads of lemons and see whether would we make a lemonade out of it. perhaps, it is time for you to grow up then.
but let's stop time, shall we? i am so tired of living and fending for myself. it's like time is a bullet train, reaching its destination before we know it. i know that i am of age to fend for myself. but i think i have been fending myself from young.
the constant saying that "i am forced to grow up" and i still stand by it. a childhood robbed, oh well. i clearly remember one night having stayed out, it suddenly dawned on me that my split personality (yes, i was diagnosed with that when i was younger) has never actually gone away.
the one that people tend to see - my crazy, wild & enthusiastic self
the one that hardly anyone see - in words of another; deep, philosophical and mature self.
it's common for people to have two sides, i think. but mine, the difference is so great, that i think is scary.
bottom line: without worries, without planning for the future.. how i wish i could just throw all that for a few weeks, maybe a few months. but i think i will lose my whole personality completely, for the better or worse?
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in the evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
what is love exactly? if it goes by the definition of the above in the Bible, then i would say that i have never experienced love in that one place nobody would expect.
my own family.
ironic isn't it? has the word love and home become so subjective that the youths of today have no idea about it? or even when they answer, there are no conviction in their words for they have never experienced the real definition of family and love.
my family - calculative. that's what i would say about them. one mistake, and they say trust is broken and yada.. it kinda hurts. honestly. one simple sentence.
they are not what is the above definition of the Bible..
so i learn to keep my mouth shut, sigh and walk away in silence. i should reflect on all these too.
what are WE here for?
a junior told me this today when i walked back to my seat, unhappily.
J: ma'am, you should be happy! you got promoted!
Me: why? as a VI, it's all about cadets. why should something like rank promotion make me happier?
-silence-
and yes, i really meant every single word. i stay on because of them, the cadets. ranks looks cool and stuff, but they are the ones i am really here for. i to be that VI to motivate, to guide and counsel when they are upset.
as my new ops head & my YO don on my new rank a few hours ago, i just felt weird to have a new rank put on me. two diamonds. i didnt feel happy, as a matter i was sad. i looked around me and i see my seniors whom have done so much and yet they weren't promoted. i couldnt help but wonder..
i would truly say that i dont deserve my promotion because i have done anything to deserve it.. i'm a lousy senior and a lousy VI. i have not set a good example, even though i tried.
to me, A&P wasnt a day of celebration this year.. but it felt more like sadness to me when i look at my seniors who was supposed to be promoted but didnt.. i do not only feel unjust, but i feel that i have done nothing compared to them. there were tears piling up my eyes, ready to fall at any point when seniors shook my hand and congratulated me.
on a lighter note, this is the only thing that perked me up for the entire day! finally.
we did it! (: those who laughed at us and mocked us in school, we still did it.
AceStar (esp Abdul Hadi Sir): thanks for being that guiding light towards this Gold for us!
YOs: thank you for your endless and tireless support!
NCOs (batch 8 & 9): you guys are the reason why we can get this award today. thank you.
