Scribble Spot

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[surqrised]

“I don’t want you to look at me and feel nothing.”

— Unknown

[scribblespott]

why you?

i don’t know why i constantly crave your attention.

i feel like talking to you, always.

i dont think i’m supposed to feel that way. not for you. we’re just friends. we’re supposed to be just friends.

when i’m not around you, i feel like… i don’t know how to describe it. i get agitated. i don’t like the fact that you’re not near me. it makes me anxious for some reason.

every text i get, i hope for it to be yours. every night, i hope for you to call me. but why? i’m only just a friend of yours. why would you call me at midnight. you’re not my boyfriend. and we both know i have one. and i should be talking to him. thinking about him. waiting for him. NOT you. not you

i don’t get jealous easily but i just step back when i see you with someone else. like i don’t belong there. like i should just let you be.

you give me butterflies. it’s been too long since anyone gave me butterflies. not even the man who’s actually supposed to.

i don’t really understand this feeling. i hope it’s not what i think it is because that won’t end well for any of us.

i’m a mystery for you, a mystery you think you’ve solved or somewhat gotten close to solving but that’s not even half true.

there’s things about me i dont think i’ll ever tell you or anyone for that matter. i dont think you’d be able to be okay with them. be okay with who i really am. because even i’m not.

so, if i’m in love with you and if i have a chance to tell you that, or to even be with you… i can’t. i can’t do that to you. i care about you enough not to ruin you by letting you love me. sounds complicated, i know. but it’s really just simple.

you deserve a better friend, a better companion. and i’m not it. i’ll never be it.

there’s times when i wish i could tell you everything, you know? i could be the real me, with nobody but you… and it breaks my heart into a million pieces when i realise you’ll never know who i really am. what i am to you, the relation we have, it is just a façade.

my care, my love for you is so pure and real but that won’t matter if you found out about me. because people who really love you wouldn’t lie to you. but i had no choice. i had to. i need you in my life. i don’t know why, i wish i didn’t. but i do.

you matter so much to me.

i wish i was talking to you right now, instead of writing this.

you’re everywhere.

even when you’re not.

and i miss you when you’re not.

i miss you right now.

[scribblespott]

crippling anxiety

[scribblespott]

your kinda girl

talking to you, getting to know you, made me feel like you’re boyfriend material. you are a typical boyfriend.

the simp kind.

the kind that’s extremely rare in this generation.

but that means you deserve someone who deserves all of that love you’re willing to give.

someone who’ll know all your favourite songs and even if she doesn’t like them, she’ll still sing them with you because it’ll make you happy.

someone who knows exactly what you need and will turn that into the most thoughtful gift ever.

someone who knows your temperament… maybe she’ll be the only one who’ll ever understand how to deal with your crazy ass mood swings, lol.

i know you’ve always said you want someone who’s talkative but i feel like you’ll get someone who’s quiet and calm. someone who loves watching you blabber about the most random things ever. she’ll never cut you off, will always wait for you to finish.

she’ll be someone who has been through her share of trauma, pain and hurt. she gets sad sometimes, but that’s okay, she’ll have you. you’ll know how to make her feel better.

she’ll be someone who’ll support you and will be happy to see you fly as high as you can. but she’ll never leave your hand, to keep you grounded.

:)

[scribblespott]

My nebuliser smells like nostalgia

i came to a new place.

i was alone.

we met.

became friends. best friends.

hadn’t known you too long but being with you felt safer than most places.

i came to a new place, leaving my comfort zone behind and you became one for me here.

but all stories seem to have the same end.

life is becoming too predictable.

endless conversations turn into awkward interactions.

the countless nights that i spent talking to you turned into me just thinking of you. missing you. missing us.

once upon a time, we never thought twice before sharing something. now we’re running out of the “right” things to say.

so we don’t.

we don’t say anything.

i’ve been trying to hide from you.

to avoid you, to not be near you.

so that it’s easier to forget.

but i’ve been having trouble breathing and my nebuliser smells like nostalgia. as i breathe through the mask and inhale the medicine, i am reminded of every friendship that i’ve had which had the same end as ours. and that would be all my friendships.

so i get up and put on my black hoodie.

hoping no one would see the blood that’s oozing out of my heart.

[scribblespott]

I love him like we’ll die tomorrow

I love him like we’ll live forever

[scribblespott]

“Heartbreak”

When something breaks, it turns into pieces.

Then, slowly you figure out which piece goes where and eventually, you put it all back together. Like a jigsaw puzzle. Might look difficult as hell at the beginning, but it all falls back in place if you don’t give up.

I guess that applies for heartbreaks too.

So when your heart breaks, it turns into pieces.

Then, with time and patience… you mend it.

Now let’s say, I got my heart broken.

It’s supposed to be in pieces now.

So when I try to reach for what I think is a “piece” of my broken heart… it turns out to be sand. As I grab it, I try to make my fist tighter, so that I don’t lose it. But it’s sand. As I pick it up, it falls right through my hands. I can’t hold on to it.

When something breaks, it turns into pieces…so that you can fix it sooner or later.

One can say, the “key” to mending something is gathering the pieces.

For me! I need to make those pieces.

All I have right now is sand.

And even then, there’s no way to tell that I’m making them right. That they’ll fit in as they should.

For me, heartbreak is not a jigsaw puzzle. It’s not even a heart-“break” if we’re being technical. It’s merely sand.

And I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do with it.

[scribblespott]

Rotten

before the person i am now, there used to be a kid who was one of the happiest people i’ve seen so far.

she was a free spirit. the most caring person i knew. couldn’t wait to grow up and change the world. couldn’t wait to help as many people as she could. she had no fears, no insecurities. when someone would say “why?”, she’d be the first to say “why not?”.

she used to say “reasoning is only necessary when the question itself is wrong.”

she was so selfless and naive, she never believed there’s people waiting to take advantage of that. when she was told so, she’d say “as long as it helps them, i don’t mind.”

she never understood why it was wrong to be “used” by someone… until she was made to understand in such a harsh way that she lost sense of herself. she never came back.

a while after she disappeared, there was still some hope that she’d return. she was scared…she was probably just trying to hide and got lost. but that’s okay. she’ll find her way back home. she always did. but she didn’t this time.

i now believe, she died that day.

she was murdered, brutally.

she was special, you know?

the “weird one” even.

the one with the uniquest of questions.

a philosopher by birth.

she was a hugger, by the way. it’s hard to believe because i barely let anyone even touch me.

without her, i’m lost. just a depressed, normie teenager. might as well call me a part of GenZ, i can’t fight you. i don’t have her to prove you wrong.

the day she left, a void was created, right in the middle of my heart. a black void.

at first i thought i could control it. i thought i stopped it from spreading in my body, from taking over what was left of my heart.

but i was wrong, again.

the void has a mind of it’s own. it fooled me. i thought i made it stop. i thought it was time for damage control. turns out i was only feeding it more and more with my thoughts and emotions.

now i’m rotting on the inside. probably still hoping that she’ll save me. don’t be mistaken, i’m aware that i’m in denial, but that’s the only thing keeping me going.

if she doesn’t come back, it won’t be long before the darkest parts of the void take over my body, inside and out.

[scribblespott]

My name is Kevin and I am heartfelt by your experiences. We share similar journeys and thank you for sharing.

Always good to know there’s more people like us out there :)

I’m glad you feel this way.

Made my day, really.

[scribblespott]

A Stranger Indeed.

Recently, I thought I had lost a friend. By “I thought” I mean we eventually sorted it out and assumed we picked up right where we left off.

We assumed so.

Now if we see this from a third person’s view,

There was a fight. There was miscommunication. There was misunderstanding.

The fight went on slightly longer than most of the previous ones and it didn’t really strike to anyone that this could raise a situation per se; but it was problematic.

At least for me.

I assumed, we’ll pick up right where we left off.

But as the days are passing by, I dont think we’ve picked anything up at all, whatsoever.

Nothing has been picked up. Absolutely nothing.

So, I thought I lost a friend… and I did.

I got back something but I didn’t get YOU back. The connection, the love, the attachment… it all seems to be deteriorating. There’s instances that make me feel like I can see the bond we had disappear into thin air. And it feels so weird because it’s not like it’s all going away too fast but strangely it doesn’t feel slow either.

I don’t quite understand what it is.

Maybe you’ve changed for the good. Maybe this is a better version of you.

And believe me when I say this, I’ll always want what’s best for you and I would never come in the middle of your personal growth… but, this new form that you’ve adapted to, it doesn’t seem very healthy for me. For us.

There’s just weird tension between us. I’m not overthinking. I swear to god, this isn’t overthinking. It’s strictly observation based.

I miss him. The guy who I used to know.

If he’s still there somewhere, tell him I said hi:)

[scribblespott]

A stranger?

I remember the exact date.

the day we were last known as friends.

I honestly don’t know what we are now,

but whatever phase this is, it needs to end.

Even though I haven’t slept since you took my leave.

but in the little time that I close my eyes and surrender to the void that deceives,

I dream of us.

and everything feels normal for those few hours.

The funny thing is, you wake up and get back to reality.

but I’m stuck in an endless loop-where my life is a nightmare and my subconscious mind is the escape from this brutality.

I want to tell you, “I miss you, come back now. It’s been long enough”

And I want hear “I was never gone.”

but the reply I think I’ll really get is, “Move on.”

This decision that you’ve made,

It seems impossible to digest.

And I’m resisting as much as I can.

But I think, this time, maybe I am supposed to accept that you’ve left.

[scribblespott]

They’ll come and go, You’ll love and grow.

[scribblespott]

People underestimate the power of nostalgia.

- Dwight K. Schrute

[surqrised]

“Forgive me if I don’t talk much at times. It’s loud enough in my head.”

— Unknown

[scribblespott]

Summer Break

The best time of the year. Summer break.

I don’t remember much but on some days, a familiar breeze touches my face, reminding me of a memory. Nostalgia never fails.

I remember sitting on the cold floor eating mangoes with my hands, the juice of the fruit making it’s way all the way down my elbow, making me feel ticklish. I remember licking my lips, savouring the sweet taste.

I remember playing like there’s no tomorrow. Sweating like shit. Realising I’m late because it’s dark. Running home hoping mom wouldn’t yell… but also knowing I was going to get a glass of cold fresh lemonade which always felt like sipping heaven and also was the perfect remedy for all the scolding.

I remember riding my bicycle like I was flying.

The wind felt like slaps on my skin but in a good way. My hair… floating in the back, giving my neck a chance to feel the air, to breathe. And then I’d feel a chill down my spine, making me smile.

I had a spark in my eyes… and maybe that spark, that feeling… that is what we call “Happiness”.

As I grew up, there was more holiday homework to do than have time to just… well, enjoy.

Studies got harder. LIFE. Life got harder.

Now, I didn’t know that the spark, it needs to be kept alive. It needs to be nurtured, just like a plant. Oxygen, water, soil but most importantly; care. You need to take care of it. Or? well, or it dies.

And that’s what happened. I forgot to take care of myself. And with time, I kept on getting more and more forgetful. Now I can’t even remember what it felt like to be okay. To be normal.

To live.

[scribblespott]

feeling some type of way. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[scribblespott]

People ask me why i don’t like being touched.

I’m at a point where if someone hugs me for more than 3 seconds, I would start crying.