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What happened to me for this last 3 months? I feel awkwardly not being myself. I can't express my feelings, my thoughts, instead I keep it with myself. I bury them.

I hope I’m numb because the feeling when reality bangs me so hard to the ground is just….

Ialah danton fakultas teknik '11 berinitial HC, the name of a man from my dream.

"I open my eyes and I see a brownish-lighted-victorian-styled room. Then, someone told me a name that is not so unfamiliar, but he's dying maybe he comes to an end of his age at this time, I thought. He's not that important but why do I feel uneasy? Then a swirl of flashback has me : I'm standing still in an unfamiliar road with high white wall follows up the side of the road. The sky is crystal clear. Suddenly my brain tells me to run, so I run my heart out. The directions are so unclear but I know that I'm running to something so important to me. When I see a building my body just can't stop but run into that building, and when I'm inside that building I come to realize that it is a hospital. I'm still running, searching for a room. Then I found the room. He's there. Lying in bed. Looking so weak and pale. I come closer to him, then brush his cheek with my palm. He wakes up. He tells me to lie beside him, I do so. Then I find his gentle arm around me, I feel safe and comfort. Then, I'm back again in that room. I see a casket with him lying breathless."

The most awkward lunch we've ever had

It happened yesterday when I decided to try my best to talk to her. I asked her wether is it okay for me to join her lunch group (again) or not, then she said it was fine for me to tag along. But when we sit together, we couldn't just ignore the overwhelmed awkwardness between us all. We were so so quiet. Never been that quiet. And then alternatly, we threw up some small talks but then when it came to an end of the topic, silence ruled out again, and the cycle went on and on. That time when it was so quiet I was thinking so hard. Thinking of the way to go back like we were used to be... The image of talking to her, talking about how we feel, the deep talk the 'saturated' one we might call it, almost burst me out into cries. So, I stopped thinking that though I hoped she was imagining the same thing...

(Hopefully) A start of something new

Hari sabtu dan lagi tidak ada kerjaan, tiba - tiba ada temen kos yang ngajakin (semacam) casting. Langsung nerveous dan sakir perut but excited at the same time. Selama ini banyak banget temen yang bilang "Kenapa ga jadi model aja?" And it's all about self-confidence, I just can't put it at the right place seriously. Dan akhirnya, I decided to come with her along with other 5 girls. It was raining and traffic got us good, so we were late. Extremely late! Tapi untungnya dari pihak agency mengerti alasan keterlambatan kami, so we're cool. Agency ini masih seumur jagung dan diorganisir sama sekumpulan mas-mas dan mbak-mbak (22-25 yo). There were 5 people and i think 2 of them are the photographers. I was so nervous. Karena saya keluar dari mobil terakhir, saat sudah ditempat, was it me or was it because of my nervousness, I kind of felt everyone was watching at me for a sec or two, and so that made my nervousness grew. Next, salah satu mbak-mbak told us to do handshake with the guys (I think they're the photographers) I don't know why but i made myself to be the first peeson to handshake and I tell you what, It was awkward. But there's one the guys that really stole my attention: the one with full tattos in his right arm. Oh, he's a megane and bald and unexceptionally cute. Anyway, these people asked my name for several times while they only asked the other girl's name only once. After the briefing done, most of the girls said that they teally interested in me and after me because they kept looking at me and asking my name. Well, I was.. . I don't know but I'm happy for sure. And so they said, the photo session will be on the end of the feb also the theme is going to be casual. So, wish me luck! ;)

Si Abang II

Senior saya yang satu ini cuma bisa bilang suka ke saya lewat orang lain, padahal udah aku tunggu - tunggu kapan dia mulai make a move on me. Tapi pas denger ternyata dia uda punya partner... my heart broke a little :'

Si abang I

Si abang inisial DF ini atau abang 'romawi satu' sepertinya sedang mengeluarkan jurusnya agar ku merasa terPHP. Sayangnya jurusnya sudah terlalu murahan untuk diaplikasikan ke saya yaitu: ngechat duluan - saya bales - cuma di read - beberapa jam kemudian di bales dengan jawaban yang sangat singkat.

WHATTA BUG!

Okay, now seriously he makes me so uncomfort. Goddammit! I can’t freely go to twitter or any other social network. Because currently he followed me in Instagram and just seconds ago he added and chatted me in LINE! WOULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M SO VERY ANNOYED BY YOU! Oh dear my apologies, but I have no interest on having some relationship with you.

I am still in a search for that figure

Akhir - akhir ini tidak tahu mengapa setiap mendapatkan bunga tidur pasti satu ‘figure’ itu muncul. Out of the blue he came. I don’t think this was the first time. And so that, I insist myself to persistently search for that ‘figure’.

19-20 Dec 2012

Kayaknya kemarin & hari ini adalah hari malas sedunia. Period.

Serba salah

Speaking of guilty, that's what I feel for one particular boy. Harus ngerasa apa sama orang yang selalu update-in status twitter mu, aktivitas mu, segala sesuatu tentang kamu secara diam - diam. Serba salah kalo ngga bales sms nya karena males sms an sama dia yang ujung - ujungnya basa - basi, or worse such as jalan bareng. Tapi rasa serba salah karena nggak bales sms dia itu jadi hilang, pas dia maki - maki saya di twitter statusnya. Nggak suka cara dia aja. Hey come on, you mocked me just because I didn't text you back? LUNATIC.

Moment #1

Berlokasi di gedung Teknik Kimia Universitas Brawijaya, ruang TK 4. Kami yang sebagian besar dari kelas A, mengerjakan tugas presentasi Mikrobiologi Industry: Pemanfaatan Enzim/Mikroba Dalam Industri dari Bu Cakra. Saat fokus mengerjakan bisa sampai sedamai pegunungan, tidak hening namun suara bisik itu ada. Saat ramai pun bisa sampai segaduh suara air terjun, meskipun gaduh tapi tetap menyenangkan, menghilangkan penat. Lalu ada saja mereka yang bersautan - sautan, mencairkan suasana agar tidak terlalu pekat. Topik pembicaraan yang tidak selalu sejajar dengan atmosphere. Terkadang melenceng 180 derajat. Sungguh salah satu momen yang suatu saat nanti pasti akan ada yang merindukannya.

#11.43 #tekkim2011

Ku bahagia kau telah terlahir di dunia Dan kau ada di antara milyaran manusia Dan ku bisa dengan radarku menemukanmu

Perahu Kertas by Maudy Ayunda

a midnight thought

At this very moment, I seriously doubt my logic brain. At this very minutes, even seconds, I'm allowing myself to think with my feeling. Deep down, I suddenly assure myself to want you. People say "In a relationship there's always one to fall more for the other one.'' and I hope it's not me.

weekend sepi ._.

Hal yang paling menyebalkan itu disaat weekend mendekat dan kamu belum memiliki sebuah to do list, sedangkan teman - teman kamu sudah memamerkan plan weekend nan sibuk mereka. Hal yang paling menyebalkan kedua yaitu, juga disaat weekend mendekat dan kamu punya sebuah plan, akan tetapi, tidak tahu akan pergi atau mengajak siapa karena kamu adalah seorang J-O-M-B-L-O sedangkan teman - teman kamu dengan mudahnya mengajak pacar mereka untuk hang out (sedih banget yang satu ini). Dan puncaknya nih, saat hari-H, atau padahari weekend itu sendiri, akhirnya kamu menetap di kamar, ditemani guling - guling dan bantalmu, dan kamu memutuskan untuk hibernasi sepanjang weekend. Well enough said. What a misery me. *nangis di pojokan*

Ospek

Apasih ospek itu? Kalo bahasa anak SMP atau SMA nya itu MOS. Sebelas - dua belas lah sama MOS. Cuma tingkat kedisiplinan dan ke'angker'an seniornya jauh lebih tinggi. Contohnya, pada saat hari pertama PK2 Universitas, saya digertak oleh senior korlap karena jalan nya lelet. Itu sih belum apa - apa dibanding pas ospek fakultas dan jurusan. Apalagi saya diterima di Faklutas Teknik. Ke'angker'an seniornya udah jangan ditanya lagi deh. Kalo dibuat grafik bar tingkat keangkeran senior vs fakultas, saya yakin, di universitas mana pun fakultas teknik bar-nya pasti paling tinggi sendiri. Tapi, manfaat ikut ospek fakultas & jurusan yang saya rasain sekarang. Saya jadi lebih tegas, tepat waktu dan lebih disiplin. Dan, to be honest, kalo ditanyain kesan saya terhadap ospek. I have nothing to say. Akhir kata tidak berkesan.

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