Indie RP Blog. Written by Felix. Character created by nctfree
WARNING: This blog features heavily triggering, dark & NSFW themes.
[These will be tagged.]
Est. 11/6/17
[Old posts located here.]
Tracking the tag: scxmfxxk
Icon Credit: thehollowedartists
[I’m finally easing my way back into RP. As new things often spark my creativity, I’m doing so with a new OC, Ren. You can find him at https://ghcstmagnet.tumblr.com/
I will bring Blake back in the future, but one step at a time. My creative drive is strongest for Ren, so that’s where I’m going to focus it. As a warning, I haven’t written much in months, so it may take time to write and the quality may not be great. But I will get there.
[I’m finally easing my way back into RP. As new things often spark my creativity, I’m doing so with a new OC, Ren. You can find him at https://ghcstmagnet.tumblr.com/
I will bring Blake back in the future, but one step at a time. My creative drive is strongest for Ren, so that’s where I’m going to focus it. As a warning, I haven’t written much in months, so it may take time to write and the quality may not be great. But I will get there.
I wasn’t going to say directly. But I’ll say it, because I fucking hate the social stigma behind talking about this kind of thing. Social stigmas against mental health, which includes addiction - which this is about - are dangerous, and can prevent people from getting help. More under the cut.
So yes, the primary RL issue I’ve been dealing with, amongst many others, is addiction. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to those who’ve seen my “adderall day hooray” type posts over the years. I’d developed an addiction to Adderall that’s been ongoing for a couple of years now, or three, I don’t remember, and in the last several months Valium became a problem as well.
I have since gotten rid of the supply I had. I don’t seek out anymore. I have a new psychiatrist I’ll be seeing in September. I’m going through a rehab program. I’m going to N.A. after the encouragement of someone I admire. I’ve been sober since July 25, 2018, and it’s been a rough fucking ordeal but I want to get better. I very easily could’ve died if I kept doing the shit I was. But I got help, I’m getting help, and while it’ll be a while until my nerves settle, a while until I’m used to life as it is now, I’m on that recovery path and have no desire to deviate from it. Detox sucks, having to go to rehab (outpatient, but still) sucks, all of this sucks. But it’s my responsibility, and I’m taking it. My family called me out on my usage, but I’m the one who made the call to the rehab place. I reached out to a musician I like who’d been sober for a couple of years and he encouraged me to go to N.A., and I started going. Just once a week for now, but it’s something. I haven’t even hit the month mark yet for sobriety, I’m an emotional wreck, my anxiety is through the roof, and I still have the conditions the two medications I was taking and started abusing. I still have ADHD. I still have sleep and anxiety issues. Right now, I have to deal with those without meds.
I am getting better, but it’s going to take time for me to make a full comeback to any in-depth creative stuff until I can find some kind of serenity and coping ability. The new psychiatrist, when I see them, should help. It’s a good one, not a gray-area type doctor who doesn’t give a fuck and doesn’t do blood or urine tests or any of that shit when a patient’s family reports addiction, and just take’s the addict’s word for it.
This may change how some of you view me but I honestly don’t care. I’ve been a shitty person, I fell into this situation, I’ve hurt people because of it. What should matter is that I’m getting better and what should matter is the level of determination to do so, because I don’t want to go through the shit I’ve been experiencing ever again.
And when I do return: writing about drugs and drug use doesn’t trigger me. Writing about alcohol doesn’t trigger me. Those are not my triggers for use. So don’t worry about tagging shit on my behalf if there was ever any intent to.
[Returning to break for a week or more for all blogs. I have some heavy personal shit I’m dealing with. When I say heavy, I mean it. Mind and body are not well. I’ll be back with things whenever I’m ready and able.
I didn’t mean to take a break but I did, on here and on all other muses. I have some health issues and other shit going on, and it’s dampened my drive for most things. After 7/13, I’ll be working on returning to this blog, Lydia’s, Felix’s, possibly Lukas’s and in due time will get on my revival of Elliot’s. I haven’t been on discord much either, I know. All activity will start to pick up again and my presence will increase after the date given. Thanks all for your patience on owed things, including discussions, memes, replies, etc.
It's going to be a bit longer...several days in a row of high stress, insomnia, illness, etc. I'm burnt out. Return begins once recovered. Sorry for taking forever!
I didn't mean to take a break but I did, on here and on all other muses. I have some health issues and other shit going on, and it's dampened my drive for most things. After 7/13, I'll be working on returning to this blog, Lydia's, Felix's, possibly Lukas's and in due time will get on my revival of Elliot's. I haven't been on discord much either, I know. All activity will start to pick up again and my presence will increase after the date given. Thanks all for your patience on owed things, including discussions, memes, replies, etc.
[And if you’re asking “But Felix, how did you post that video and this other shit if you can’t get on tumblr?” Mobile access. Meaning limitations. Though now the net is working again, but it’s wonky as fuck. So I don’t know what’s going on with it. Already reset the router, etc. I’ll keep working on it. (see my second to last post if you wanna know what I’m going on about).]
[So y'all know that my net issues are legit and that's why I'm behind on drafts. It keeps doing this. Fine on mobile, just came back on the laptop. Doing it with other websites too now despite what I say in the video. But this is what I'm dealing with.]
[This is not only an excellent short crime film, but Blake’s aesthetic all the way. Also gotta comment on something because it reflects this band as well as my writing of blake: I stumbled across some blogs that were attacking this band and other bands for being misogynistic for videos like this and for song lyrics. Just like Blake, it’s fiction and the work does not represent what the writer/artist/etc. behind it truly believes. Writing/depicting violence, sexual assault, etc. in a fictional context DOES NOT MEAN THE PERSON WHO MADE IT CONDONES IT. (I’ve been on a tirade about this shit all morning FYI.). It is fiction. Sorry for the soapbox rant but it annoys the ever living shit out of me when a work of fiction is deemed to mean that the person/people behind it are horrible people.
Btw, if you do watch it, there isn’t like, outright rape or anything, a hint that it is likely to end up happening. The girls are taken after the dealer they’re with is shot, forced to strip, then get killed during the shootout that follows shortly thereafter. Needless to say, it’s very brutal and NSFW. One girl who comes in later survives, everyone else except one person gets shot to death. But as I said - it’s so perfectly Blake, more than any other Combichrist thing I’ve posted.]
[Computer is being a fuckhead tonight. Everything keeps freezing. That I’m even able to post this or anything I have thus far is a damn miracle. Every 10 minutes it freezes up. My preferred word processor of choice keeps freezing and not responding. My net went down for a while. Hence why not much’ll be happening tonight.]
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