hetzer

read my rambles please i'm funny ✸ main blog

[scyphosunny]

hello . my name is sunny . this is my sideblog to say stuff when i want to say stuff and post non vargas art / things that r not relevant enough 2 post on my main

there are some vents sprinkled everywhere so i guess a tiny trigger warning for depression , suicide and self harm . when it comes 2 entries usually you just have 2 scroll down 4 a bit 2 miss it so you don't read it's like completely skippable but i just wanna make sure

brushes r here

funky coloring tutorial is here

art is tagged as art

entries r tagged as entries

[scyphosunny]

tw for eating disorders

i decided to weigh myself today . i don't have a scale at home so my only change 2 do it is either at a doctor checkup or like one of those machines that u put coins in and kinda do it 4 u . there's one in the mall i work at and ive been eyeing it 4 a bit . decided to do it 2day . a friend told me i shouldn't lol but i still did . i don't even know how tall i am . i thought i was around 127 lbs ( 58kg ) but it turns out im only 119 lbs . bmi is okay , maybe a bit on the lower side ? but okay . worst part is that i still want 2 get it down . i wonder if i reached less than 50 , back when i was starving myself last year and i was actually thin and pretty . i want 2 go back but shit dude , my mom keeps buying SO much food the amount of calories i consumed today kind of makes me sick . but there's so much food and i love food and i'd feel guilty if it ends up going bad because she''s probably just buying it 4 me . my sister gets so distracted playing roblox she forgets to eat . i wonder if it's my fault . she kinda stopped eating breakfast after i did . or at least eating cereal . i keep trying 2 hide it but i hate wasting food plus im kinda too lazy 2 do that . sometimes i wish i lived alone so i could control my food a bit more , which is prob a weird thing 2 say since i bet some ppl wish there was someone that took care of what they eat and bought food 4them . i just wanna be more in control

[scyphosunny]

i should re-read that one jake sidefic and make a reaction thread on it lol . talk about it . it's just so funny

[scyphosunny]

hey lol more ranting ! who wouldve guessed .

trigger warning for sexual abuse

i had something weird to happen 2 me this wednesday . so , i was waiting 4 a coworker 2 go to watch a movie and this one guy talked to me . . . whoa ! old friend from middle school ! recognized them . saw them around a couple of times . he had his work uniform , a company that basically worked on claw machines or something like that . they worked there . i was like hey haha ii work at the movie theater . and they were like no way ! then they asked 4 my number . i saved them in my contacts . they said they just wanted 2 know what had i been doing affter all this time and stuff . . . i was like alright this was an old friend anyway . so its alrr . saved their number , went to watch the movie . and apparently he just got impatient and . asked my ex 4 my number . which is insane . 4 context , i met her ( my ex ) back in middle school . she was from the same friendgroup this other friend was so they do know each other and i guess still talk from time 2 time . so well , apparently they asked her 4 my number and my ex of course still had it . she also sent me a message asking perrmission 4 it which made me freak out a ton when i saw the notification because whatsapp was doing that thing where it would say something like " waiting for message " . so i couldn't see what she said . by the way she sent them my number anyway . i totally thought it would b her like trying 2 talk 2 me again because there's a history of me wanting 2 go no contact w this person and her still reaching out and me going back because iim stupid . anyway , i texted this other guy and didn't get an answer , so i texted again " so you wanted 2 talk 2 me and now ur the one not texting back ? " i did add a " not saying it in a bad way jus think its kind of funny " but they still got so defensive about it lol . " first of all blah blah blah " so i was like jeez okay . then they were like why would u freak out about ur ex texting u ? did you two really beg each other that much ? you guys have no real context about this person but i basically broke up w her and went back w herr rrepeatedly for a ton of reasons when i was 13 to 17 years old . she used 2 push 4 sex and pics of me naked a ton and ended up assaulting me too . that alone explains it . i wrote a million texts talking about it . about how i was prob being dramatic because it was just humping . but felt ugly since i told her i was scared of sex and she still did that ukno . i had a whole dilemma abt it years ago and i ended up just accepting it wasnt my fault i guess . don't wanna get too much into it because this is fucking tumblr lol . anyway they said it did sound like sa . i wa s like i guess none of us rreally realized how much weight it had . i didn't think too much of it til i told my friends about it and they were a bit too concerned lol . but then they were like " so she was bullshitting me ! she did have sex with a woman before ! " and in my head i was like . am i supposed 2 be the woman . and yeah ik that virginity is lowk stupid and that u can choose what u want 2 consider as ur " first time " but something ugly on my mind clicked and was like .. .. .. sex can be a lot of things . that was sex . my first time was when i was seventeen , and i just realized. and now i kinda can't change that thought ukno . and it's really ugly lol . they were like " i have no real friends " and i was like cool maybe we can be friends but then you just changed the way i think and see myself . and ngl this was a huge issue b4 . abt it being my fault , about me idk saying something because jeez if i told her 2 stop she wouldve stopped but i was too stupid to really understand what was happening ukno . and i am now thinking abt it again which is really shitty . this isn't spiralling kind of thinking i guess im just pissed lmfao

FUCK tumblr ruined the double spacing when i pasted this and im not fixing it so now this looks ugly

[scyphosunny]

i want 2 make a thing of stuff jake has been mentioned at

[scyphosunny]

jake mentions i'll include sidefics made by other ppl

lets start w fics

ㅤㅤ→ notice me

ㅤㅤ→ wish fulfillment

ㅤㅤ→ incarn by nimgrade

ㅤㅤ→ and satisfaction brought it back by sysig

ㅤㅤ→ swap vargas by a_forgotten_cat i think this one counts

ㅤㅤ→ three years ago by lavendergray

ㅤㅤ→ jakesex

ㅤㅤ→ jaketv

now we have mentions

ㅤㅤ→ vargas - chapter 26 [ 1 ] [ 2 ]

ㅤㅤ→ convalescence - chapter 2 [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ]

ㅤㅤ→ convalescence - chapter 3 [ 1 ]

and i think thas it if im missing anything lmk

[scyphosunny]

i want 2 make a thing of stuff jake has been mentioned at

[scyphosunny]

id really give anything 2 talk 2 jake ukno . it would absolutely heal me . i can prob ask zar 4 more info but im embarrassed

[scyphosunny]

code july - day 3 : fav ship

omg ignore the fact that this took me 26 days alr i'm a busy they

[scyphosunny]

this is so weird this one did get filtered . i guess it can look weird if u squint ?

[scyphosunny]

FUCL YOU IT DID IT AGAIN tumblr arregla tu puta app de mierda

[scyphosunny]

tw self harm mention ??? i think

another 9-5 today lol . watching a movie w a coworker , then 2morrow off . my manager offered someone a three day break but i was sleeping . not sure i want 2 take it anyway , means less pay . i think im not getting paid as much as i thought i would . . . im going 2 the beach 2 see my sister graduate ( don't know if i mentioned that ) in a month and i need 2 pay 4 the plane . little sister's bday and mother's day coming too . . . which means i already owe 220 dollars for the plane + 20 more dollars i owe my sister , need 2 pay a 67 dollar uh power supply thing 4 my gpu ( tho nyne said he's willing 2 pay half ) , need 2 get gifts 4 mom n sister plus take her out 2 eat in her day , maybe take her 2 a lego store , that and bake her that minecraft cake i wanted 2 make and ummmm i think that's all . shouldn't have 2 worry abt the plane 4 now though sis set it on like those months without interest thing so i have two more months 2 pay it . . . i need 2 get a pretty swimsuit . i was actually picturing myself on a pretty bikini until i remembered 30% of the skin on my thighs is covered in scar tissue FUCK lol . they all faded enough by now but they're deep so they do look raised enough 4 anyone 2 notice . . . i dont really care abt strangers just my mom and sister really . sister knows i used 2 self harm and mom prob knows too but idk how she'd react . . . i think i'll just settle for something nice w shorts . i was aiming 4 something like that too anyway . OKAY so a lot 2 pay i need 2 go get changed rn . . . good thing opening shifts go by faster

[scyphosunny]

i broke my big pretty plate :( i was eating breakfast w it and i wanted 2 leave it on the table but i left it on the corner and it fell and absolutely shattered . good thing it's not the main one but i still sobbed . mom was like " we'll buy u another and im like lol where . i hope that doesn't mean this is gonna be a bad day . opening today .

[scyphosunny]

mmgghhdg i might write it again 2morrow and include some stuff i forgot

[scyphosunny]

um summary bad day too much work awkward w coworker left 2 do stuff coworker thought i was doing nothing coworker said that was shitty i apologized oh my god im SO UPSET

[scyphosunny]

im acrually so upset omg not in drafts or in queue just fucking gone

[scyphosunny]

oh my god i just wrote a HUGE post about my shit ass day and tumblr decided not to post it or put it anywhere . that's why i get 4 not screenshoting like leech does or copying . im not writing that shit again omg i wanted 2 send it 2 like three people too

[scyphosunny]

12pm-8pm shift 2morrow . then day off !!!! then 9am-5pm fuckass shift on friday which is followed by a 4pm-12am shift KILL ME . opening and closing two days in a row . i guess it's gonna be okay 2 see how that stuff works since i've never opened or closed but oof i think im opening alone at least in my area . . . imsofuckingscared . sunday off though . it's really slow rn so we get two days off . . . . happy face . a friend had yesterday off and tomorrow AND the day after tomorrow off which is insane 2 me and i was complaining abt it and he offered 2 cover my shift but i said i was okay . yes i wish i could stay home and stuff but i want all the moneys . if im gonna have that trip ( my sister is graduating at this one beach and we're taking a plane 4 the event ) im gonna need as much money as possible . . . .. i wish i had enough money 2 buy an energy drink so i can get some extra hours done . last time i did it was because i consumed so much sugar that day . oh and also having so much popcorn this close to me is been pretty bad lol . my stomach has been angry for a couple of days . mm cheese popcorn . . .

[scyphosunny]

didnt get 2 beat the tumblr snek sad face