Hello, Old Friend...
On Tuesday, a friend of mine sent a marco polo to my group of church girls saying she’d logged back into her old tumblr and laughed about the wonderful mix of laughter and cringe that comes from reading the musings of your past self. And hearing this, I of course decided I needed to log back in, as well. I mostly remembered tumblr as something from high school, but scrolling through I realized I tumbled pretty heavily in college, as well, and even for a few years after graduation (though at that point I was mostly just reblogging posts from my fandoms).
So for the past few days, I’ve been reading through everything I wrote starting JUNIOR YEAR of high school and moving on up. It is absolutely surreal reading through my writing. There are the things I remember- the first boy who broke my heart, the strong friendships and inside jokes with different groups of friends, the fighting with said groups of friends, the challenges of moving to Bloomington....
But there are also so many things I had forgotten about! I’ve smiled so many times remembering happy memories, and have sent so many hugs back to past Sam for the tough memories. What’s really crazy to me: Those things that I wrote about, at the time, were the MOST IMPORTANT things in the world, and those feelings were the BIGGEST FEELINGS I’d ever felt....and now I literally do not remember them. As a teenager, it was so frustrating to hear “this won’t matter to you in the grand scheme of things.” And I still don’t think that’s how we should talk to teenagers, because it’s not helpful in the moment. But it has been so truly cathartic to read through the posts from the toughest times in my life and to see how those times shaped me and how, in the grand scheme of things, those tough times had nothing on the good times.
And, of course, it’s been wonderful specifically reading through the journeys in the romance department knowing how the story ends. <3 I’m not done reading through all my posts (I’m in fall of 2012, which is where I have just started dating my now husband). But reading through my early posts about Micah, I had to take a break to make this post about how glad I am to have my old tumbls to read through. It’s such a wonderful thing to be able to read through how much I wanted the life I have now.
So! I’ve decided I’m going to reactivate my tumblr, because I’ve had so much fun re-living 2009-2012 and I think future Sam will get a kick out of reliving her late 20s!
Dear future Sam: I’ve learned to not even pretend to guess what life might be like when you read this. How is it? I don’t know what else to ask or say...but I bet it’s been a wild ride!
Dear past Sam: To be honest, adult Sam has looked back on you with some judgment. But reading through your thoughts and feelings, I have so much more grace in my heart for you. Things were hard and you felt some FEELINGS. Looking back in retrospect has dulled some of those feelings and made me forget what it was like. I’m proud of who you are, and I just wish I could go back in time, hug you, and let you know how wonderful everything turns out. I also want to thank you for everything you did to bring me to where I am in 2020, and for the perspective I’ve gained reading through your words. I love you!
