im sorry for putting this on here, I just need to vent and yell into the void. tw harassment I think and vomit.
many things have happened these last few days... the heaviest being that I think I got harassed. not sure. still processing. so I was at my best friend's house two days ago because we were going out that day. I was me, her, her boyfriend (which is a really nice guy btw), and his friends from uni. I didn't know them, I hadn't seen them before. so my friend and his boyfriend told me "you HAVE to meet this guy, he's really something" so I was like ok I guess. and then some more of his friends arrived and told me "you HAVE to meet this guy, he's really something" so I was like OK I GUESS like im meeting him either way. and then he arrived and well... yeah, he was really something. he got drunk FAST and was very funny while we were pregaming. then it started. the clock struck 10:30 and everybody went their own ways for a bit, to the bathroom, drink some water, etc. while we were waiting for the uber to arrive. I got left behind on the table because I always have my alone time to decompress and get mentally ready to go out. this moment is very important to me because otherwise I don't enjoy going out.
i was minding my own business when then this guy everybody was hyping up, lets call him L, came and took a seat next to me, all up in my space. he was leaning forward and towards me and his head was basically 2 cms away from mine and he started asking me basic questions (my name, where I went to uni, how did I knew my best friend, bullshit basically.) instantly I knew he was hitting on me and I got really uncomfortable. so I answered his questions really bluntly hoping he get the hint, but he didn't. we needed to make our way downstairs and I thought I would shake him there but he kept talking to me (and asked my name for a second time), he kept pestering me about why I don't drink and I told him the truth which is I don't because it makes me feel sick and not good at all and he just wouldn't understand. I was kinda annoyed at that point but I didn't want to be rude (I regret that) so I entertained his fucking questions.
When we arrived downstairs I leaned against the back part of my friend's couch as we were all waiting for the elevator to come so we could get to the cab. he again got all up in my space and leaned against the sofa RIGHT next to the spot I was in, so I moved a little bit to the right as to put distance between us. I hoped that was enough but then HE SCOOTED NEXT TO ME and I scooted further away AND HE FOLLOWED ME. all while he was yapping... and then at the end I basically stopped leaning on the couch and just stood up because he scooted so close to me that I had no space left. I was uncomfortable but again I didn't want to be rude so I kept entertaining him. (I regret this).
now the elevator was already there so he got in and told me to follow him so I did as to not be rude again (why am I like this?) my best friend had gone to the bathroom and her bf too so I was left with this guy and his friends, and they wanted me to "go ahead" and go down the elevator with L. I obviously didn't want to so I just kept pleading and repeating "No, lets wait for my best friend, we have to wait for her". then she came out and everybody was about to go into the elevator but then right as she was in the threshold, she realized her boyfriend was missing, and said "wait, I have to wait for him" and all the other guys started saying "let them (me and L) go first" and my friend looked at him, then at me and all I could do was just stare at her. I froze, I didn't want to be rude (FUCK) so I didn't say anything, I just stared at her, hoping my eyes could transmit what I was thinking, how much I didn't want any of this. she was about let the elevator go, but then she stared me right back and didn't. (thank god, idk what would've happened in that elevator). at the same time his bf appeared and we all got into the elevator, as a group.
inside, he was still yapping (and asked my name a third time) ALL UP IN MY SPACE and asking me stupid shit and all I could do was awkwardly and uncomfortably laugh and look to the ceiling. we arrived at the first floor and I got away from him a bit in the stretch between the elevator door and the apartment building's door. ok so we ordered an uber XL because we were many and as the driver was lowering the seats to get into the third row, he said "me and vic go on that row". I froze again, and didn't say anything. I exchanged glances with my friend and instantly I said " I have to be near a window otherwise I'll vomit, I have motion sickness" (which is true). he said "damn, but ok" so two other guys went on the third row and then, on the second row, my friend got in first, then he in the middle and then me on the other side. he ended up being on my left. as soon as I closed the door, he was ALL UP IN MY SPACE AGAIN, so I did the right thing and told him to fuck off, the end..... no jk I was a fucking coward so I just opened my window and basically had all my upper body outside the car to get away from him.
then the 12 minute torture ride to the club started. the kind uber driver said "u guys can connect to the bluetooth if you want"; on any other night that would've been a treat, but on this night... Hell. L got all up in my face AGAIN and started saying (basically yelling) "vic, you choose the music because tonight you're the queen" and then is when It really dawned on me how fucking torturous this 3km trip would become. I don't listen to popular music so I panicked and said "nonono someone else someone else" and then he told me to choose again and called me a queen AGAIN (after asking me my name again) so I just yelled the most ridiculous song ever. and then he was yapping again to me, right on my face and I just kept yelling so that somebody would put on the fucking song (they never did, fucking traitors). then the taxi finally started to move. he kept yapping my ear off and all I could do was either stare out the window or exchange terrified glances with my friend. we arrived to a red light. and then he finally shut up, and I was glad. I looked at my friend and she held my hand and kept mouthing "sorry, im sorry". I just laughed because the situation was ridiculous and I was so fucking uncomfortable.
and when I thought it was over, I started hearing strange noises on my left ear. at that point I was very cold so I could not feel any thing from the waist up. i was also dissociating (because I was so uncomfortable) so I wasn't aware of my body.ok so I bring myself back into my body and turn out the strange noises were THE GUY MAKING OUT WITH MY SHOULDER. and then I felt it. it felt so gross and it sounded so disgusting so I finally did something and pushed him off me. he laughed and whispered to me "harder" before laughing again. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do so I just laughed. he went at it again and I pushed him harder as to get my point across. and he did it a third time and this time he was making his way to my neck and that was too mucho so I just grabbed him by the hair and pulled him off me. he obviously misunderstood the situation (or he just didn't care) and thought I was pulling hum in to make out so he like grabbed me and hugged me from the front pulling me in. I pushed him away and I think he kinda got the hint as he said he was just gonna sleep for a bit in my shoulder and I just said ok because that's the best I was gonna get at that point. and then he actually fell asleep on my shoulder but his head kept falling forward due to the car moving and I couldn't let that happen because then his head would've been right on my boob and I dint want that so I just grabbed him by the hair all our way there.
just when I finally thought it would be over, literally five blocks away from the club, he wakes up and say he needs to vomit, and I turn to look at him and he's salivating like saliva is dripping down his throat. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I yelled at him to go over to the window so he could vomit and he didn't want to, so I grabbed him and pushed him into my lap so he could vomit out the taxi's window. while he was vomiting, I only looked at my friend and she held my hand and kept mouthing "sorry, im sorry". I laughed again because how uncomfortable I was feeling and how ridiculous was the situation. then he "finished" and like retracted his head into the car and I just could feel his saliva dripping on my jeans (i felt it for the rest of the night, even after it dried). and then, FINALLY, we arrived, it was over. I practically jumped out of the uber. then he got out and, I kid you nit, took three steps and started pissing against the wall. I was in shock. I had the 1000 yard stare. my friend came to me (after tipping the taxi extra so he could wash his car) and just told me "im sorry" and I told her it's ok because what else could I do. some other people we were with came to me and asked me if I was alright and obviously said I didn't want to see that man ever again. then more of his friends went to help him and I just walked away and finally got in the club. inside, my friend and her boyfriend just started apologising, which I obviously appreciate but it was not their fault. I don't think they really grasped what had happened until hours later I told them what really went on.
I had a nice time at the club.
but the whole incident left me thinking about things and I don't think I will stop thinking about it soon. it has made me question if im even attracted to men. I thought I had gotten over that a long time ago. I have a crush on a guy now. it made me question that too. I hate that. I had already accepted it. the thought of a man being all up in my space and kissing me makes me happy when I imagine it but not when it actually happened. something is wrong with me.
it made me question if im asexual. which I already thought i might be a little bit. maybe demisexual (but I have a job so idrc about that). it also made me feel so not normal because I don't enjoy what most people my age and in my circle enjoy, which is making out with strangers in the club. I've never gotten the appeal and I don't like that because I feel like im missing on a big part of being young... blablabla that's a topic for another day. it obviously made me think about intimacy and how I navigate that. especially because, as sad as this is, it was my first romantic/sexual interaction with a man or someone EVER. and now the thought of being in a relationship where those kinds of interactions are the norm I guess, sounds disgusting and repulsive, even though a week ago I was daydreaming about the same exact escenario (only difference, with another man).
so thanks L, for fucking with my already frail perception of intimacy, sexuality and relationships.
ps. im also kinda sad/angry with me for not standing up for myself. I keep thinking, what if he had tried something worse, would've I spoken up or stayed silent? i cannot stay silent, I need to be comfortable in expressing my discomfort. im angry with me because I though I was ready to handle these kinds of situations but it turns out I just freeze.
im also kinda mad at my friend for not doing something. she knows I have issues with socializing and people hitting on me because im autistic. why didn't she stand up for me when I was (I think) clearly having issues expressing my discomfort. and I don't think my anger is unjustified.
