The blog of a teenage girl with midlife crisis.

This is a place for me to write down anything I'd like to say but never had the courage to say. It's a place for me to record experiences and my daily life. This blog is my little corner in the internet. Come and go as you'd like. 

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

Angry

I’m feel so angry and helpless.

I just watched the local news reporting on something that was happening tonight. In the subways, street gangs were carrying sticks and beating up people who were wearing black, because the protesters that are protesting against the HK government are known to follow a black dress code.

They had a protest today.

And on the trains in the subways people were getting beaten with bamboo and big wooden sticks, by crowds of these white shirted gangs. The victim’s ages ranged from 18-56 and women and men alike were beaten until they bled or bruised. People called the police and the police simply replied that they didn’t have the staff power to help. Only after the attack did the police arrive in full gear. They surrounded the gangs, but had let them go after a few minutes, some police members even waved goodbye to them. No arrests were made. The police had arrived only after the attack and had let the suspects and criminals go even when there was physical proof of their crimes.

I’m so angry and frustrated that I’m on the verge of crying. My city seems to be falling apart and there’s practically nothing I can do to stop it. The government refuses to listen to protests, no matter peaceful ones or violent riots. The police are doing nothing to protect these protesters from actual criminals and is adding onto the harm done. And I’m getting psychologically induced heart pains more frequently. Last time I had them was due to depression and sucidal thoughts. Now it’s because the city’s falling apart and I feel hopeless and useless.

I can’t even compose my thoughts anymore. What I’m feeling is so complicated that I can’t even compose them into words anymore.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

The Ledge

The girl stays tense sitting on the ledge for a few moments more, her eyes fixed on the dark streets that lay below. Just then, the night surrenders in the face of the aureate lights that come piercing through the eastern skyline, the rays falling on the city and in her eyes. The sun slowly crawls up the ablaze sky, a grandiloquent manifesto that overwhelms the sight.

The girl takes a deep breath and holds it for a second before letting it all out, taking in the crisp morning air. A moment later, her feet are no longer dangling, but now firm on solid concrete. She turns and walks back inside, the smell of booze and mustiness assaulting her senses as soon as she does.

Another night passed. One more night survived and conquered. Finally, the start of a new day.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

Has anyone ever had the strange feeling of being homesick when you’re home though. Cause it’s such a sucky feeling to have.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

Borderline antisocial introvert problems #2

I’m already homesick. And it’s only been 45 mins since I left home. Goddamnit.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

Borderline antisocial introvert problems #1

At a high class restaurant, and my family keeps asking me if I’m sick or not feeling well cause I’m keeping quiet, and not eating much. Truth is ,there’s just too many people here for me to comfortably eat anything.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

My brother, the pussy.

Last night, at 3am, I was working on my art portfolio when there was suddenly panicked knocking and high-pitched shrieks knocking on my door. When I go outside, my brother standing in the hallway with nothing but a pair of boxers on.

Turns out there was a cockroach. And he was terrified. Just to put this in context, this was a adult man with a height of 182cm, weighing 80kg from all the protein shakes and workouts he consumes and does, cowering behind me, his teenage sister who is only 162cm, shrieking for me to kill it.

And when I told him to help block it because I surely won’t be fast enough, he says “hell no” from 3 metres away.

The result of this is that the cockroach escaped into my room, and under my bed. So for the whole night I had to concoct various ideas and devices to catch the cockroach. And in the end I just dismantled my bed. Only to find that the cockroach was nowhere to be seen.

... I dislike my brother very much.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

My brother, the douche.

Today, I come back home to find he is still in bed and it’s already 7pm. He’s ‘multitasking’. Watching running man while on skype with his girlfriend. He tells me to stop checking in on him because they’re trying to have ‘skype sex’.

Sometimes I seriously wonder if we’re even related.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

To all the positive morons out there that can see the ‘good’ in everything and stays in a good mood all the time:

Thanks, and I’m sorry I hate you guys.

It’s you guys that let the realistic pessimists know that there is still some good left in the world.

P.S it’s still delusional how you guys think there’s always something positive about anything.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

I wanna live. (Sometimes.)

I wanna go out and have fun, and not be the sad and lazy hermit who wakes up at 3pm on non school days.

I wanna have a dream. So that I can work towards something and know that my each and every days are meaningful and not just pointless anymore.

I wanna be normal. So that I don’t overthink things and my friends don’t feel like I’m being condescending because I have so many different views and opinions on life, just because.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

Me and my brother have a strange relationship, where I’m okay with him, but he hates me. And we also barely see each other even when we were living together....

#siblings #drawing #itriedtodraw #olderbro

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

Poem: Man-made girl

A glimpse of a reflection

while walking to the bookstore.

A glimpse of a girl,

reflecting a confidence I’ll never have

She smiles, and I politely try to offer a shadow of a grin.

She walks, and I obediently follow.

She talks, and I intently listen.

Her laughter are the sleigh bells

the lonely Santa rings on the cold hard pavement 

at christmas time.

Her eyes twinkle 

with the brightness of fairy lights.

Her voice,

a melody of the songs played on the radio.

She’s beautiful

But all I can hear when I look at her

is this little voice 

sounding from the pits of her soul

chanting, saying, repeating:

like me

remember me

don’t forget me.

[searchingforsomethingtolivefor]

Random thoughts after getting over suicidal thoughts: Literally questioning life

Maybe I only get this feeling, but sometimes my mind wanders off and I am suddenly very aware of myself. And I can’t help but think: “So this is life? The one that people kept telling me was worth living? This life is the thing I gave up on giving up on?” And then I feel guilty for not being grateful because that is what everyone says, that I should be grateful. But sometimes, I’m just not.