Olive Oil and Vignettes

Julia. 22. UCSC. Under construction.

[pottersandplanters]

[thesadghostclub]

Here’s a long but important comic for you <3

Accepting ourselves the way we are means we allow ourselves the things we need to make life a little easier. You don’t have to fight it, it’s ok have different needs to others. You are worthy of kindness, so be kind to you <3

love from the sad ghost club <3

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[tmpoem]

i find it hard to tell people how i feel i find it hard to trust people with what i feel i am never able to explain why i do what i do i feel like a stranger to myself and everyone around

t.m. (via tmpoem)

[rbcages]

“Where do the words go / when we have said them?”

— Margaret Atwood, from “The Small Cabin,” Selected Poems I 1965-1975 (Houghton Mifflin, 1976)

[seashell-eyed]

Is junioritis a thing

[seashell-eyed]

How am I already this stressed. It’s literally week 1 day 4.

[looprole]

[andlifemovesonn]

[soracities]

Sophocles, Elektra (trans. Anne Carson)

[desnos]

[seashell-eyed]

Everything is temporary. The deep aches pulsing beneath your skin. The claws that grip your heart, the voice that desperately gasps im here im here im here. Everything is temporary, capable of dying away with each resounding step, every silent exhale- someday there will be ash where we once sat and bent heads over words long gone, there will be hollow silence where breezes rustled leaves and shirt sleeves Or perhaps there will only be noise, raucous reminder that in the nothing there was once something. Something temporary. (at Monterey Old Fisherman's Wharf)

[seashell-eyed]

Hitting the Wall

Somehow I always find myself back here. It’s 12:46 am and I am simply sitting here, staring at 5 unread tabs for an assignment due tomorrow, trying to feel something other than sick and tired. I spent the day dragging myself around campus, working, drinking tea, tringy to feel something other than the emptiness that has slowly infused itself back into my life for no explicable reason this week. 

I’m frustrated and at a loss for how this happened to me this quarter, when before being busy and productive felt good, and I’ve done more to care for my health than ever before - scheduling physicals, getting new glasses, going to therapy for the first time- I thought I was on track to alleviating the previous months’ anxiety. And yet here I am, hitting the wall. 

Today I sat outside in the sun, staring at a clear blue image of the Monterey Bay shimmering against OPERS field. I sat there, hoping to boost my mood, to calm my aching mind, and all I felt was the heat piercing my skin. I took out my phone and wrote a note about how everything is temporary, forced myself to get up and went to class. 

I’m not sure how I’ve ended up here again, but I wish it was better timing.

[seashell-eyed]

Week Two

Pro’s: I’ve realized that this quarter (in which I’m taking three upper-division classes, working 9 hours a week, am responsible for all of the social media for The Gail Project, and volunteering) is the threshold for how much I can emotionally and mentally handle.

Con’s: I still have to finish this quarter LOL

[wordsnquotes]

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.

Charlotte Eriksson (via wordsnquotes)

[seashell-eyed]

consumption

your kiss lingers on my lips

voice drips down my fingertips hot melted

wax as your hand

glides down my spine infusing a chill into each vertebrae

damn you’re fine

i ache to be close to your touch like a moth drawn to a flame except

the fire is within me

waiting to be stoked

stroked, until i am burning with anticipation.

i never thought i was one for overwhelming lust

yet with you

i lie waiting to be devoured like your next meal

and i love

every

single

bite.

[seashell-eyed]

Confessional

i. this summer was a landscape of peaks and valleys, as I chugged along, hitting boosts of purpose and self-assurance and immense sobbing meltdowns at the same exhausting speed. I have never felt so settled into and tired of my own skin at once. 

ii. tonight, I laid in my bed for an hour and a half, staring at the vastness of my popcorn ceiling as I balanced a whispered phone conversation and wrangling the paranoid corners of my mind. I am frustrated at how even after an enjoyable day of food and social activities I can be reduced to a pitiful ball, lying in a dizzying state of web MD searches and unfounded assumptions. I have always had good physical health but with each passing year, my anxious thoughts seem determined to ruin that and I am so sick of making myself sick. 

iii. i am determined to live until I’m 21, 22, 23, and beyond, if only to finally calm my fear of a young death, if only to alleviate the health anxiety that seems to have only gotten worse the closer I inch towards the big birthday my cousin never celebrated. I am equally afraid that once I turn 21 none of my worries will change, but that remains to be seen.

iv. with each year I feel myself grow and morph, slowly stretching into the aspirations I’ve harbored since childhood, but despite my passions for psychology and mental health advocacy, I could never bring myself to attend therapy. Maybe this is finally the year.

[wordsnquotes]

I always marvel at the humans’ ability to keep going. They always manage to stagger on even with tears streaming down their faces.

Markus Zusak, The Book Thief (via wordsnquotes)