Hello, my dear friend. I was thinking… what if Chuuya, Akutagawa, Dazai, Atsushi are having a nightmare and their s/o comforts them?… btw, I really like your posts🖤 thank you for doing them, I really like them a lot💙💛
for a man that does not dream, the closest he gets is the vague feeling that he is not safe. when he awakes, his palms stick to the sheets. his chest pounds and he swears he doesn't know what's going on.
he remembers nothing but a vague memory that something is wrong. he blinks, breathing slowly. once, twice, and then finally turning his head to look down at your sleeping form.
you are safe. he is safe. but as you shift in your sleep, mumbling something softly to yourself before finally looking up at him with hazy eyes, he feels a horrid, painful ache in his chest.
"chuuya? what are you doing up?" you whisper. your voice soothes something inside him and he swallows thickly.
"nothing. just thinking," he says quickly.
your lips tug down for a moment before letting out a sigh. your hand wraps around his waist, pulling him back down to the bed to lay down. he lays in your embrace quietly, soaking in your whispered words and soothing touch.
"you know you can tell me if something's the matter."
"i know."
unspoken words drift into the silence and chuuya releases his grip on the sheets to hold you a little tigher.
— 𝐎𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐮 𝐃𝐚𝐳𝐚𝐢
dazai says nothing. pulling himself out of bed and towards the kitchen. he's not sure what to do. his mind races and for a second he's scared. everything feels so unfamiliar, so unnatural.
'it was just a dream.'
that's what he tells himself as he paces the kitchen debating on heading down to the Lupin. then you appear in the doorway. he stills himself, eyes wide as his lips fall open in an attempt to explain himself.
but then, he doesn't have to.
"osamu... if you had a nightmare, it's okay to talk to me."
he pauses once more. for a brief second, he looks close to tearing up. but dazai knows better. it would be silly to find relief in you just because of some silly dream.
but when you stand a little straighter and open your arms like that... he can't help but find his way back into your embrace. you stroke his hair as he sinks into your touch.
"wanna talk about it?" you whisper, slowly but surely leading him back towards the bed.
"no," he murmurs, letting himself succumb to the way you just... take care of him. no extra narrative involved except your love.
— 𝐀𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐍𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐚
panic. that's the first thing atsushi feels upon waking back up. he's alert and scanning the room for potential areas of danger. but as he soaks in the atmosphere, he spots his familiar room, the scent of you and him intermingled comfortingly and most important, you.
he stills himself, trying to pull it together slowly. questions race through his mind. is it okay to wake you for this? would you be mad if he got closer? his anxiety warps his already panicked state of mind.
then you roll over, rubbing your eyes before realizing the sort of state your lover's currently in.
"atsushi..." you murmur, carefully holding your arms open. "what's wrong?"
he immediately latches on with no intention of letting go anytime soon. silence replaces his answer but eventually he mumbles the details of his dream to you.
you’re quiet, taking in the way be trembles under your touch and stiffens when he thinks you’re about to pull away.
“i’m here. i’m not going anywhere,” you whisper and he nods and accepts those words.
the silence becomes a little less terrifying.
— 𝐑𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐨𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐞 𝐀𝐤𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐰𝐚
he wouldn’t admit he’s been startled awake by something haunting his mind. akutagawa turns away from you, unable to look at your peaceful form.
he traces back his memory; where he is, who he is, and his safety. he’s not wearing his coat…
akutagawa grabs the dark coat that sits patiently on a chair nearby. he wraps it around himself and questions if sleep is still a viable option for him.
then your voice hurries from the bed and he returns to your side.
“ryuu, are you going somewhere?” you ponder aloud, noticing the way he grips his coat a little tighter.
“no,” he grumbles.
you stare at him quizzically. he looks so frail and tired standing there so awkwardly. you soften your tone as you reach out to cup his cheek.
“you can keep the coat on. just lay down with me, is that okay?”
he thinks for a moment, then nods and sits back down. the coat is still wrapped around his frail shoulders. you pull your arms around him too.
akutagawa isn’t sure whether or not to love this affection or shun away from it. but it feels so warm, so unfamiliar yet right that he accepts it.
it’s a better alternative than the nightmarish comforts that await him when he shuts his eyes.
╰➤ CW(s): gn! reader, strangers to lovers with him falling first and falling harder, fluff/romance, and mentions of karma
╰➤ SYNOPSIS: in which dazai finds interest in a citizen who feeds stray cats near his workplace
inspired by: gorgeous, lover, and karma by taylor swift !
"well, if it isn't you again!"
you gently raise your head, blinking obliviously at the young man in a long sandy coat with unkempt brown hair looming over you as you crouch down with some sardines in your palm, just outside the cafe uzumaki.
"me again?" you ask the man, tilting your head, with a sheepish little soft grin that made him feel strangely warm inside.
"yeah, you!" dazai exclaims with a playful tone of voice, a smile on his lips and a finger pointing at you, "i keep seeing you around outside my workplace feeding the cats around here."
you were, certainly, the same person he kept seeing outside the building where the agency office was, feeding stray cats in the area.
and it was all thanks to ranpo, who mentioned how stray cats had been appearing around the area more frequently, and that if it hadn't been for his super deductive ability, he would have assumed it was because of their president, fukuzawa, but instead, it was you, going up and about to them with sardines or kibbles readily available.
as dazai called you out, you let out a soft chuckle, and the sound of your delicious laughter rang in his ears like bells, "i guess it really is me."
"so, you must really like cats, huh?" dazai asks, crouching down in front of you, copying your position, his eyes observing you tenderly as you reach out to pet one of the kitties you'd been feeding.
"mhm.." you hum softly, nodding your head and chuckling once more as another cat that you had been feeding meows and approaches you. it purrs as it rubs its head against your leg.
"and it seems that they like you as well.." dazai giggles quietly, "how strange."
"strange?" you raise your head to face him again, tilting your head and smiling sweetly.
"yeah, strange," dazai affirms with a nod as he briefly turns his attention to the stray cats that were rubbing, meowing, and purring gently against you as if you were their loving owner, "cats have an unearned reputation for being cold and unloving, you know?"
"really, now?" you ask, still carrying a sweet smile that dazai was having trouble looking away from now.
"well, that's because they display affection differently than dogs and they tend to be meaner, at least that's what people say," dazai says before glancing down at the stray cats swarming you that were being affectionate and friendly, "but that doesn't seem to be the case at all, especially with you."
"you know what i think, though?" you remark softly as you start giving more sardines and kibbles to the stray cats, "cats are actually adorable, clumsy, and fun to be with."
"and that's what makes you like them?" dazai smiles at your words.
your following remarks, however, catch him off guard, "yeah, but i mostly like how cats are sensitive creatures too.. cats are karma after all."
dazai's eyes widened in astonishment, clearly and really taken off guard by your innocently sweet comments, which had morphed into something even more serious yet still engaging.
"be kind to cats, and you get kindness in return, just like this.." you explain, gently stroking the cat's body with a delicate carress as you look up to him, "be unkind, and well, cats become unkind to you too, like bite and scratch you. basically, what goes around, comes around."
dazai's breath hitched as your lovely [color] eyes ever so slightly narrowed while sparkling with a mysterious yet alluring gleam in them as you continued to speak your mind out, "cats know a person's heart like no other."
"wow.. i was definitely not expecting that," dazai exhales, amused at your choice of words, "so you're saying, karma is a cat?"
"karma is a cat indeed," you reply with a firm nod, giggling softly as you stand up on your feet after crouching for so long, prompting dazai to do the same, "but hey, that's just a rambling from a crazy cat person like me."
"hey, i might have never heard someone describe and see cats like that in a very deep sense before," dazai laughs softly, shaking his head at you, "and i might not be a cat either, but i can sense that you're a really interesting one, and a kind one too."
"well, aren't you a charmer?" you join his laughter, smiling at his words, "you're too kind."
"and you're too pretty." dazai whispers so quietly that you didn't catch that.
"huh? did you say something, mister?"
"nothing!"
dazai couldn't help but daydream more frequently at work since finally speaking with you, much to kunikida's dismay.
he's been acting strangely since he found out about you and starting seeing you around the region, which his yosano-sensei and ranpo would find hilarious and lovely.
there's simply something so enticing about you, in a positive way. you always had this beautiful glow with you whenever he watched you from afar, even if you weren't feeding stray cats and were just roaming around the neighborhood.
dazai would constantly sigh with his hands on his cheeks as he looked out the window, waiting for you to come around the corner so he could walk up to you and talk to you while you fed stray cats literally with hearts in his eyes, and he would even hurry downstairs to the first floor as soon as he saw you.
all of this may sound strange, but in reality, dazai was madly in love with you, so much so that he finds himself acting like a high school boy with a tremendous infatuation.
however, it makes dazai so happy that it makes him sad at the same time as well. you were just so gorgeous—so beautiful in his eyes.
you were a person with a kind heart and an open mind who sees the world in such a different but entirely fresh light, and dazai just can't help but want to be closer to you and just follow you wherever you go.
even if it's to the stray cats.
having said that, perhaps dazai was mistaken, especially given the manner he was behaving towards you. maybe he is more of a cat now.
he'd drop everything and trail after you like the stray cats you'd feed, eager to spend time with you, and even going out of his way to be a gentleman to you, carrying your bag for you while you went onto feeding cats, opening up the packet of cat food you had with you when you had trouble doing so.
even going out of his way to rescue a stray cat you found and pointed in the middle of the road in a panic.
at this time, dazai was also doing it for the stray cats, but he wasn't complaining. he's not a dog person and prefers cats in reality, but he really enjoys being able to do all of these things with you.
he was also typically confident and charismatic, but it didn't mean he didn't have doubts. in fact, dazai has them again when he recalls the things you told him when he finally had the courage to speak to you.
cats know a person's heart like no other.
and those words played over and over in his head like a broken record.
"[name], i'm not sure about this."
dazai can't help but be nervous as he crouches down in front of an orange tabby cat you two had come across around the area, putting out his palm, which held the few cat kibbles you had given him.
"it's just a cute little stray," you giggle at dazai.
"that's not why.." dazai tells you with a sheepish laugh. that's not what he's nervous about.
he genuinely enjoys spending time with you. he really does, but, to return to your remarks, he wasn't yet a good person. his blood was as dark as an empty void—at least, that's what dazai initially assumes until the cat walks up to him.
he tenses up a little when the cat's soft snout nudges his fingers, which feels ticklish, and instantly finds himself gasping in awe when it starts eating the cat kibbles he had in hand.
all of his doubts and hesitancy are washed away by a sensation of relief and peace as the cat purrs and nudges its head against his fingers after meowing and eating the food in his hand.
dazai's eyes light up as he looks at you with his mouth slightly parted, "i'm a cat whisperer now!"
with the cat approaching dazai and accepting the cat food he put out for it, he starts smiling ever so joyful and honestly like a child on christmas day, and you couldn't help but find it absolutely adorable of him.
"looks like you are now!" you say with a rather proud looking smile at him.
"it really likes me!" dazai exclaims, returning his gaze to the cat, who was still pushing its head on his fingers.
he then began petting and speaking to it with giddiness just like how you would to a typical cat, "hi, cat! hi! you're so friendly!"
"of course the little fella does," you giggle, squatting down next to dazai before tilting your head and continuing to grin lovingly at him, "cats are sensitive creatures, remember? it definitely knows you're a good person."
he blinks at your words, "it does?"
"yeah," you reply, reaching out your hand to pet the orange tabby once dazai has done so.
"I see.." dazai's eyes softened as he watched you smile and coo at the orange tabby he had fed with the cat kibbles you'd given him earlier.
as dazai watches you and cat interact, his smile grows larger and more genuine, and his heart begins to skip a beat.
perhaps he had already found it, slowly but surely—the light he had sought out since abandoning his old ways as dazai spent this very modest and domestic moment with you.
this opportunity to be so near to you, to indulge in something so endearing as this. he loved it.
but then dazai's phone goes off, surprising both you and the cat he was feeding.
"ah, crap. sorry! let me just take this real quick," dazai says quickly with wide eyes.
"no worries. go ahead," you reply softly, waving your free hand that wasn't caressing a cat.
dazai pulls out his own flip phone, already expecting a call from an angry kunikida, who will reprimand him and make him come back to do his pile of reports, but it was atsushi instead.
he then answers the incoming call instead of declining, and to his surprise, the work he assigned atsushi ends up being successful, as it went swimmingly more than he had predicted, with no casualties or damages, which was actually quite strange.
aside from that, atsushi had also called in to inform him that he had completed the stack of reports for him. meaning, there was no more paperwork waiting for him at the office either.
you glanced at dazai from the corner of your eye as he talks on the phone with a coworker before a pretty pleased smirk tugs on your lips as you continue to pet the orange tabby cat.
"everything alright?" you ask with an innocent smile as dazai finished answering his call.
"mhm, it's just my co-worker," dazai tells you with a smile on return as he puts his phone away, drawing his attention back to you.
"well, that's nice," you hum before tilting your head at him, your innocent gentle smile widening with anticipation.
"what are you smiling like that for all of a sudden, cutie?" dazai raises a brow at you.
"well, it's getting late, but i still have some cat food on me," you giggle at the sudden pet name from dazai as you speak, tapping your cheek with your index finger.
"and what about it?" dazai smirks, already knowing exactly where this was going.
"it means it's time for me to go look for more stray cats," you say, tilting your head with that same smile, "unless you want to come along?"
"is that your way of asking me out?" dazai jokes, his cheeks blushing slightly.
"well?" you ask him back, your smile growing wider as your cheeks begin to blush as well.
"oh, please, you already know the answer, my love," dazai shakes his head as he approaches you, already wrapping his arm around your waist and smiling as he puts his lips to your ear.
"i would follow you to the stray cats and back."
"to the stray.. cats?"
"and back."
karma is a cat allows its user to induce karma, which can be a blessing or a curse that may or may not include the bending of reality, but it is highly dependent on the target's course of action and the sincerity of the heart around the user.
☾ chuuya is met with an unfamiliar sight in your office. sfw. 800.
~ in honour of his birthday…my bsd debut on tumblr!
chuuya stared downward wide eyed at the sight before him. his body is still, not daring to move. his forward step is halted, his lips are slightly parted, and he holds in a breath.
in your office, on the ground in front of him, was a large, plastic dog carrier.
chuuya had come to discuss details about an assignment with you, but noticed you were unresponsive to his knock on your door. with furrowed brows he let himself in, calling out for you in the vast empty space. hardly two steps in, instead of being met with the usual sight he’s become accustomed to- you, seated at your desk at the farthest end of the room with your nose buried in piles of paperwork-, he was met with a portable dog carrier in the center.
he slowly approaches the carrier with bent knees, tilting his head to get a better glance inside. he straightens when there’s a crash and the bars to the crate echo loudly throughout the room. the bars continue to rattle until a snout pops out from the darkness and sniffs the entrance.
he lets out a shaky exhale as the body of a small puppy accompanies its snout and eagerly jumps into view. it paws at the door that continues to noisily ring out, and starts to bark. chuuya thinks his heart is going to burst.
hi! woah i’ve been reading through most of your bsd masterlists and aaa i love the way you write sooo much!! is it possible for you to do “nap time headcanons!” with chuuya, akutagawa, ranpo and maybe tecchou/jouno (or anyone you’d like) depending on how many you want to write🤔 i absolutely ADORED your other nap hcs and honestly nap time is my favourite time 🤭🥰
very thrilled that the nap headcanons are getting a lot of love recently... i'll pick a couple characters off of your list and i'm going to add fukuzawa bc i had another request for him
nap headcanons pt. 2
genre: fluff
warnings: none
pairings: chuuya x gn!reader, tetchou x gn!reader, akutagawa x gn!reader, fukuzawa x gn!reader
masterlist || part 1 (dazai, atsushi, kunikida)
chuuya
|| does not frequently take naps on his own. he's a pretty sound sleeper at night, and doesn't typically have a lot of time during the day to squeeze in a nap
|| honestly, when he's in a relationship with someone who really likes naps, chuuya just kind of takes it as an opportunity to appreciate you with a thought like 'they're so very endearing when they're sleepy'
|| however, when you ask if he'd like to join you one day, opening the blanket and gesturing for him to take his spot, he can't decline. you look so precious with your sleepy eyes and softer voice than usual when you ask
|| generally chuuya struggles to fall asleep without you once you're together. but when you're in his arms he's OUT. like a light. even when he insists that he's only going to be laying down to keep you company and he won't fall asleep, it's within minutes of being wrapped up with you that he feels his eyelids drooping and himself swinging in and out of consiousness
|| as any good partner should, you tease chuuya plenty when you both awake. poking his cheeks as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes, "thought you were just gonna keep me company, huh?"
|| okay sure, you got him. he'll play that game only a couple more times before finally admitting to you and himself that when he joins you for nap time, he's joining you with the intention of taking a nap
|| chuuya is already far less than thrilled to be away from you on extended, far away missions, but now that you've got him on your nap schedule, he's even more grumpy about it. because now he not only misses you, he's also missing his almost-daily naps
|| not that he even could nap when he's away if he wanted to---he's tried before, but he just can't do it unless he's cuddled up with you
|| favorite way to nap is holding you in his arms or with his head in your lap, although he's much less likely to admit to the ladder
tetchou
|| now THIS, THIS is a man who likes to take a good nap. he works hard, so he loves coming home and curling up on the bed or couch to rest for a while before he gets dinner/whatever other evening plans you may have
|| you didn't realize how much tetchou needs his post-work naps, so when you went over to his apartment one day when you knew he'd be home, you were surprised to find all of the lights off and no sign of life... tetchou almost always returned right home after work, and if he didn't, he was usually with you
|| when you find him on the couch, knocked out and curled under two blankets, you think your heart melted. after taking pictures of him (and the drool running out of his mouth,) you pull aside the blankets and make space for yourself beside him
|| tetchou stirs ever so slightly; not enough that he's fully conscious, but so much that he recognizes who's found their way beside him. when he realizes it's you, he quickly falls back into sleep, this time with his arms wrapped tightly around your waist and his head resting on your shoulder (sorry about the drool that will be there when you wake... yes i am headcanoning that tetchou fucking DROOLS... sorry mate)
|| after that initial nap though, tetchou practically needs you to nap with. like sure, he can take a nap when you're not there, but he really does not prefer it. says it makes him have bad dreams and a stiff neck when he wakes up, and we all know we just can't have that
|| tetchou thinks it’s even better once you finally move in with him. like sure, you could always join him for a nap on days off before but now you guys could rest together everyday if you needed to!!
|| finds it devastatingly endearing when you’re teasing him about how sleepy he is. but gosh his eyes jsut droop so horribly and he can barely mumble out a word that you really can’t do anything other than hold him close.
|| favorite way to nap is on your chest
akutagawa
|| naps a lot because of his disease but he hates it. thinks it's an unproductive way to spend his time when he could actually doing something... his body just doesn't always comply
|| because he hates napping, he doesn't ever try to , which means you often find him in the strangest places and positions, fast asleep. on the couch, with his head hanging off the side of the couch and limbs in every which direction.
|| so when you find him for the very first time you almost don't believe your eyes; the man who is always so composed and serious sprawled out like he was dropped from the sky is so horribly ironic that you can't help but laugh... lovingly, of course
|| after you get your giggles out, you bring over a blanket and curl up with him, as much as you can manage with his current position
|| when akutagawa wakes up he almost throws you off of him. he was not prepared in the slightest for you to be in his apartment, much less resting so close to him
|| it takes him a second, but once he's realized that it's you, akutagawa feels warmth bloom from his chest that's almost foreign to him. sure, you've been close to him before, but not so unexpectedly and gosh he loves it more than he's willing to admit
|| the next time you find him like this, you can't stand the way you know his neck will cramp when he wakes up, so you carefully pick him up and take him to bed, where you lay on his chest, listening to the faint sound of his breathing (i am so convinced he sleeps like a log once he's out)
|| after a handful of times of akutagawa being pleasantly surprised when he wakes up, he starts to wait until you're home to nap because he just loves how safe and cozy you make him feel.
|| favorite way to nap is either his head in your lap or you on top of him. the weight is comforting, but he also likes when you play with his hair
fukuzawa
|| loves naps and will be the first to admit it. not all the time, but if he is sleepy that man is going to take a nap!
|| at first he thought maybe it would be inconvenient for him to take a nap when you were around but when you say that you could just take a nap with him!!! he's so excited because he just loves that idea
|| holds you so tight. not death grip, but you cannot feel anything but secure in his arms.
|| holds your head just under his chin so he can whisper to you while you're both falling asleep/when he wakes up. AND so he can kiss your head. just so so incredibly loving.
|| when you get a cat together, that cat learns quickly when it's nap time and joins you guys as well. it's just a big cuddle puddle where fukuzawa is holding you tightly to his chest and the cat rests either to the side of you both or on top of your back
|| you tease him a little bit when he falls asleep without you... after you curl up with him and take a nap also, of course.
|| if he wakes up before you, he'll continue holding you until you're up. doesn't matter if he had plans or if he's hungry, he can wait for you to be awake. sometimes if it takes a while he'll have little conversations with your cat. hushed whispers of "aren't they pretty when they're sleeping?" "just like you, catnapping." silly man.
|| however, he also doesn't want to mess with his or your sleep schedules too much. so if he doesn't get home until late, he will forgo a nap so that he can still get to bed at a reasonable time
|| ... that is, unless you look at him with sleepy, begging eyes. god he used to be a stronger man, but he can't even attempt to deny you when you ask so sweetly
RAAAAAHH nap headcanons my most dearly beloved. i really love these. i hope it's a good mix of characters, but lmk if you want to see others! from bsd or other fandoms as well!
dazai x gn!reader
cw angst, alluding towards death, unclear ending
— 1.0k
‘he holds you like it was his last ever night with you. maybe it would be.’
Night drew closer as the day reached its twilight. The complexion of the sky poured into the horizon whilst the clouds suffocated the beyond. As the moon approached its beginning, it twinned with the sun meeting its precipice; a star only threatening to plunge off the world’s end. A singularity that would have enthralled even the most stubborn of souls.
The lustre from the sky breathed through the window and exhaled against the floor, staining darkness beside your figure and its heart beating cold. Two hands held your own; almost too faintly for your fingers to notice. But the warmth was there, searing against your skin, and it tore apprehension through its wounds.
Dazai stood opposite unfazed and knowing, conscious of the uncertainty lingering in your eyes. The hesitation that expelled distance between your bodies, a possible caution and unforeseen alertness. You must have sensed a shift in his sentiments, something now wholehearted and genuine. A path that should be walked across lightly.
dazai x gn!reader
cw angst, alluding towards death, unclear ending
— 1.0k
‘he holds you like it was his last ever night with you. maybe it would be.’
Night drew closer as the day reached its twilight. The complexion of the sky poured into the horizon whilst the clouds suffocated the beyond. As the moon approached its beginning, it twinned with the sun meeting its precipice; a star only threatening to plunge off the world's end. A singularity that would have enthralled even the most stubborn of souls.
The lustre from the sky breathed through the window and exhaled against the floor, staining darkness beside your figure and its heart beating cold. Two hands held your own; almost too faintly for your fingers to notice. But the warmth was there, searing against your skin, and it tore apprehension through its wounds.
Dazai stood opposite unfazed and knowing, conscious of the uncertainty lingering in your eyes. The hesitation that expelled distance between your bodies, a possible caution and unforeseen alertness. You must have sensed a shift in his sentiments, something now wholehearted and genuine. A path that should be walked across lightly.
The room was dark except for the light gracing through the window. With your body standing cold and left unmoving, you could mistakenly never be there, if it weren’t for the deep yet focused breaths escaping your chest. Dazai appeared lost in your eyes, fondness filling his gaze and you assumed, like always, it was to prolong the inevitable. For his yet to be uttered confession held far greater greed than his mind could muster.
His hands tugged at yours in a silent invitation, one that had occurred countless times before. Tonight, it felt more intimate. More meaningful and treasurable that you almost crumbled in need, desperate to cling onto the moment before it eased away. You began to step forward and close the space, as if on instinct, despite the confusion decorating your expression.
“But there’s no music playing,” you whispered steadily, and you watched how Dazai laced a hand with yours.
“Ah, but can you not hear it?” he spoke in return, the typical jest drowned by the sincereness in his eyes.
His other hand trailed across your back as you let yourself press against him, allowing him to continue with his unspoken request to dance. You moved to hold the fabric on his shoulder gently, sinking into his grasp as your eyes never faltered against his own.
The act of knowing did not fall easy upon those unacquainted with the wounded. Of all the moments spent with him, there was always a whisper, a breath, a blink of uncertainty that treaded your mind. Despite his soft voice and tender gaze, you would double back on yourself as if you never really knew him in the first place.
Those thoughts struck as hard as sudden rain and clenched around your heart like it was merely dough. It would tear you away from what mattered—from what you wanted to matter, even if doubt clouded the forefront of your mind. The fear of never knowing the full truth, even as he stood in front of you, plagued spared seconds like the wind.
You opened your mouth in a stutter, afraid of your own voice. Or, quite possibly, afraid of the moment progressing. The hitched breath scraping against your throat pleaded for more time, for just a little while longer before you found yourself alone. “Hear what?”
“The sound of my heart beating for you.”
He spoke through a wide smile, one that would have made you swoon if it weren’t for the deep feeling in your stomach. Your heart churned with misery as something felt wrong, something grasping at your limbs and screaming for you to move—run. But the moment felt so right that you could only shake it off, indulging the serenity for a little while longer. Playing along seemed easier than letting yourself suffer.
“Stop it, that’s so cheesy,” you breathed through a laugh. A sound which pressed desperately against the insides of your ears, almost unbelieving that it ever left your mouth in the first place.
Dazai swayed you in his hold with no particular rhythm, only allowing the feeling to dictate its direction. The giddiness remained ever so prominent against his cheeks as he smiled at you fondly, a sight you wished to burn into your eyes.
“You must like it, hm?”
“But how will I know if this heart has ceased?” Your hand from his shoulder rested over his chest, placed gently as if your touch could wither him apart.
From what felt like a lifetime, you finally tore your eyes away from his, leading down to follow your hand. It moved across to where his lungs would be, pausing to let your words sink in. The feeling of his heart beating under your fingertips only churned your stomach further and it became difficult to meet his eyes again. Dazai kept you swaying, although it grew gradual as if to match the moment. Slow, almost standstill, like he could let you go. “Or rather, your last concluding breath?”
Your voice dropped to a whisper and you became increasingly scared of your own voice. The feelings, the thoughts, you couldn’t bear to admit them. Yet, you felt that if you didn’t, you would never have another chance to.
“Don’t you think it’s best not to know?” Dazai’s eyes flickered down towards your lips and his voice joined yours in a breathless whisper, “to stay ignorant and blind?”
You grew desperate and he could tell. You would soon meet your end, much like the sun, and suddenly dread flooded your stomach. Dazai stared at you longingly, observing the way your emotions fall as he continued to faintly smile.
He knows. Of course he knows. The only evidence lies as a gut feeling because he sure as hell didn’t show it. You are both so aware that no words could be spared, it felt better to beat around the bush with pleasantries—to make the inevitable more intimate than it should ever be.
“I cannot stomach that pain,” you spoke, almost too quietly for him to hear. But you held onto him a little tighter, restless against his chest and unforgiving for his shirt. This time, you couldn’t tell if he noticed. Could your grasp ever be enough?
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