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[secretllamapizza]

Am I the drama?

I missed several days of work last week because I was sick, then I worked one day, then I had to call off because my cat scratched my eye. Now I had to call off again because I'm ridiculously sick. I'm struggling to breathe. How can a nose be so stuffed up and yet still be dripping down my face at the same time? I cannot stand being this sick all the time. No more. I refuse to get sick again! This is the last time. Except my body never listens to me. So, I'm sure this is gonna happen again. Probably within a month. Because my body sucks.

[secretllamapizza]

Oh, It's been awhile.

I haven't updated in awhile. It's still pretty hard for me to do right now actually. You see, I broke my hand at the end of August. I had a brace for one week, a cast for three weeks, and now I'm back in the brace until October 27th, at least. I can take the brace off to shower and do physical therapy, but that's about it. I do have it off currently because it's easier to type, but I have limited strength in my left pinky and ring finger and it does make this pretty difficult.

I fell down the stairs because I wanted to get a pizza from the basement freezer... for breakfast. Lesson learned.

I started a new job recently and I absolutely love it. I'm unsure about a couple of the girls there, but only because I feel like I'm too much and they don't care for me. I know I can go overboard and I over share a lot. I'm just trying to find my feet here. It's hard to learn some of the stuff when I don't have the use of my left hand though. I feel like all I've been good for is sweeping the floors and dusting the mannequins. I know it will take time. But I love where I'm at right now and can't wait to see where this takes me. It's only part time, but that works well for me.

So for now, back to Netflix (currently binging Jane the Virgin) and pretending the outside world does not exist.

[secretllamapizza]

I am struggling today. I am in such a terrible mood. Something was said that is on par with how my Mother treats me and it really rubbed me the wrong way.

I am so sick of people trying to make me feel like I'm crazy. If I say I've never been here before, then I've never been here before. Don't just brush me off like you don't believe me but you'll say whatever to avoid the argument.

And the fact that he specifically remembers something "I" said to him makes me wonder what other girl he was here with. It definitely was not me. And now I can't shake this funk I'm in.

Red flag?

[secretllamapizza]

COVIDcation

Covid has struck our house, again. I just recently started watching my one year old nephew so now I am missing him tons while I can't see him. Hopefully in a few days I will be back. Rocking him to sleep has become my new favorite thing to do. I could sit there and just stare at him the entire time he sleep. Yes, I know. That's creepy.

But I have been using this mini vacation to get things done. We got our bedroom moved from the nerd room officially into the master. Even though the master is far from done. We want to work on the smaller rooms first and then tackle the master last since we have no idea how we even want to design the master. My library once again will be moving simply because the current room is far too small. We have a lot to figure out.

This mini vacation has been wonderful though. We have spent time watching silly movies, building Legos, cross stitching, playing video games, and just being together. I truly cherish the time we get to spend together.

I'm realizing just how blessed I truly am.

[secretllamapizza]

Why did I leave my church?

Tomorrow I am visiting my old church again. I am kind of uncomfortable with the idea of going. But I have wanted to go for awhile and will be in town anyways. It's the perfect conditions to show up. But why did I leave in the first place?

Christians preach love and forgiveness. But how many of them actually believe in it? I made so many mistakes in my 20's. I know this. I'm not in denial about the person I was. But I am not that person anymore. I have worked very hard to become the person I am today. But the church I grew up in just can't see that. They only see the mistakes. They see the person I was. And they treat me accordingly. There is no room for error in their world.

Don't get me wrong, they are not all that way. But enough of them are that way that it gives the entire church a sour taste. The majority of these people are in places of authority throughout the church. It is not a place I would want to raise children. I feel sorry for the children they are not being raised to believe in Grace.

God tells us to love, but the church tells us there are conditions to love. They want to save you, but they sure as hell don't want you in their lives.

I cannot wait to try a new church and to truly have a fresh start with the person that I am today, not who I was 15 years ago.

[secretllamapizza]

How am I supposed to treat this place as my home when I'm not allowed to organize even one room the way I like? Especially when it's a room only I use? For so long I have moved from place to place and have never found where I truly belong. I really thought this was it this time. I thought I could settle in and unpack. I've been here 5 years now and it still isn't my home. Where do I even go from here?

[secretllamapizza]

To Update or not to Update....

I feel like I owe an update, but just have nothing to say.

[secretllamapizza]

I typically enjoy a good thunderstorm.

I make some hot tea and curl up with whatever book I'm currently lost in.

Except when the depression is so bad. My anxiety is already on edge. Then the house shakes and the lights go dark. My skin begins to crawl and I just can't calm myself.

Especially when I'm alone.

The storm continues to rage outside. The storm continues to rage inside me.

I am terrified.

[secretllamapizza]

Today I met the little girl who got my middle name. While I was beyond thrilled to hold the little bundle of joy, I was also heartbroken knowing I would never hold my own child. I am so beyond happy for my best friend and her little family. They are a beautiful bunch. But sometimes the hurt is just too much.

2022 marks 4 years since I said goodbye to CR, 3 years since RJ, and 2 years since WM.

I saw their hearts just after they began to beat and I said goodbye when their tiny hearts stopped.

What do you even call a mother who has lost her children?

[secretllamapizza]

Dear Diary...

The most frustrating thing about depression is the inability to care for one's basic needs while also being a person who cares way too much about what other people think of me. I sit in the bathtub bawling my eyes out over the thought of just having to wash my hair this week. But I also have somewhere to go tomorrow and don't want to show up with greasy, nasty hair.

Tomorrow I have my mental health assessment. These take a couple hours to get through. Which is no good for the level of anxiety I have been experiencing lately. I can't seem to sit still for more than a couple minutes before I get so frustrated I have a panic attack. But maybe that's the point? Am I even supposed to be able to make it to the end of the assessment? What does this assessment even prove? Can a piece of paper tell you whether or not I am truly depressed or am suffering from some other more severe mental illness? I could take an anxiety pill before I go to help calm me down enough to sit through the assessment, but the issue with that is that when I take the anxiety pills my mind cannot focus long enough for me to be driving myself somewhere. I become a danger to everyone on the road.

No wonder many find it difficult to seek help for their mental health issues....