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[secretreflections]

A step to Break my porn addiction no mastrubating, no porn, no lust

I am a girl in my early twenties, and today I have decided to begin a new chapter of my life.

For the past three years, ever since I got my laptop, I have struggled with pornography. What started as something I thought was harmless gradually became a habit that consumed far more of my time and energy than I ever intended.

Many times, I told myself that watching porn occasionally was normal and that it wasn't a big deal. But over time, I realized how much time I was spending on it and how easily hours could disappear. That realization started to scare me.

A few minutes ago, after watching a video about someone else's celibacy journey, I made a decision: I want to remain celibate until marriage.

Seeing others commit to that path made me think, "If they can do it, then I can try as well."

At the same time, I know that simply trying to avoid a habit is not enough. I need something meaningful to move toward. For me, that is spirituality.

Today isn't Day 1 because I already masturbated. Instead, tomorrow will be my first step. Tomorrow marks the beginning of this journey.

To start, I will begin reading Chant and Be Happy by A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupāda. I hope it helps me build a stronger relationship with myself, develop discipline, and find a sense of peace and purpose.

I know this journey will not be perfect. There may be failures, setbacks, and difficult days. But this time, I want to be honest with myself and keep moving forward.

This is Day 0.

Tomorrow, I begin.

[secretreflections]

The Things You Never Understood

Amma..

It all started when I stopped dancing. Not because I no longer loved it, but because getting me ready felt like a burden to you. And between dance and you, I chose you.

Then, slowly, I began distancing myself from my friends. Every outing became an argument, every friendship became a reason for conflict. So I removed the reason instead of the conflict.

You taught me not to get too attached, that deep friendships give nothing in return. And between my friends and you, I chose you.

You called me over and over whenever I stepped outside. You checked my phone every day. You held on tighter and tighter, while I learned to make my world smaller and smaller.

I was suffocating, but between my freedom and you, I chose you.

Then I made a mistake— one I should never have made. It hurt everyone. It became a shadow that followed our family everywhere.

From that day on, it felt like I no longer had the right to grieve my own pain. My sorrow became less important than making sure you were happy. And between my pain and your peace, I chose you.

I neglected myself. I learned how to fight my battles in silence. I found ways to survive without asking for help. But some nights, the silence became too heavy.

I broke down. Not because I wanted sympathy. Not because I wanted to escape accountability. I simply wanted you to understand how I felt. But every time I tried, my feelings became the problem. My hurt became "unnecessary emotions."

Instead of hearing my pain, you asked me to correct my mistakes. And maybe you were right.

And today, I thank myself.

For surviving the loneliness, the guilt, and the silence. Because every time I chose you, someone still chose me.

I did.

[secretreflections]

Some feelings are better left unsaid, but they still linger.

Secret Confession

There’s something about staying in the background, watching everything around me, that makes it easier to keep secrets. I’m not one to speak much, and I’ve always been fine with that. Yet there’s this quiet feeling inside me that I can’t shake. It has lingered for years—unseen and unheard.

I keep my distance from most people, and you, with your calm presence, are no exception. Yet somehow, a part of me is drawn to you—not in a way I can easily explain, but in a way that feels right, even though it scares me to admit it. I liked watching you from afar, and somehow, you always noticed. I wonder if you knew. And if you did, why didn’t you break the silence between us? Maybe it’s just me

I’ve always kept my distance, thinking maybe we were too young, or perhaps it was better to keep it a secret, or maybe you deserved someone better than me. I tried to get your attention in the smallest ways, almost like a child, hoping you would notice… but I never said a word. I wonder if you knew. And if you did, why didn’t you break the silence between us? Maybe it’s just me.

I don't regret keeping the silence. The questions have faded with time, and so has the need for answers. You're no longer a part of my present, but you'll always remain one of my most beautiful memories.