☆ @sedateallthethingsyouhate - Tumblr Blog

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bowie ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ - mostly repost account

•ꪆৎ ˚ drug use / occasional gore ⚠️

¡꒱ ︶⏝︶⊹︶⏝︶

₊⋆∘ butch lesbian [ taken by jade ♡ 04.23.22]

ᡣ𐭩 she / any

ᯓ★ minors / no age dni !

¡ feel free to block for any reason

☆ not just an oomf, but a friend !!

#marilyn manson #marilyn manson and the spooky kids

i am gross and perverted | marilyn manson

#marilyn manson #marilyn manson and the spooky kids #brian warner #marilyn manson edit #marilyn manson and the spooky kids edit #brian warner edit #spooky kids era #lunchbox #numutel #numetaledit #twiggy ramirez

organeyez

#marilyn manson #literal boyfriend

someone will always choose alcohol over me I hate this life I wasn't meant to live this long nobody else is going through this why do I have to im so tired im so tired I just want MY MOM I want ANYONE I want ANYONE I want someone who doesn't have alcohol on their breath I want my mom I want my girlfriend I want to be home I want to feel home I'm tired of alcohol I just want to go home

I hate everything about her sister and her friends. pretentious and shitty towards her so fucking insane. all of them rich fucking snobs won't even look at us or smile pieces of shit won't even move their seats for HER SISTER. a fucking infant closer to her sister her mother and her father. she saved seats for them, not for us! and AND they got her three expensive, hundreds of dollars gifts, and jade got A BOTTLE OF LIQOUR AND LEGOS FOR HERS?? fuck that fuck her whole family they don't deserve her kindness, her love, her genuine effort to try, to love

bruu staying up all night editing goes kind of crazy # my own form of independence! man i really hope we move out soon im so tired of this place, but its been cold so ive been really enjoying the icey rain :) idk im really hyperfixated and i think im not gonna lose it for a while when did i get into it hmm.. idek how to track that tbh . OK 6 MONTHS AGO! october :) how fitting yehehe. ok i gotta smoke and sleep before my gf wakes up

I'll never not be too much i hate it. I wish one person who downloaded this app to claim they were interested in the things I was would see these things and realize im gone because i dint want to wake up in the morning. let alone check my phone. I dont want to do anything. I fucking hate this life I hate it I hate everything about my life I fucking hate it what I have I done what have I dont besides ruin my own life over and over and over again, different houses, different parents, and they all hate me. I think its another reason I wasn't ever meant to live this long. everyone has friends, and family atlesst that care about them. but no. I dont get that because ??? because it would be too fair? because I might have turned out actually to function like a normal person?? its all not fair. I want to start over, fuck everything I want to try again, to go back and fight harder, scream louder, be the monster. maybe someone would have listened, maybe I wouldn't be alive. either way it would be different than my days fading together. the days that mean almost nothing to me anymore. one day. one day I'll be able to say I did it all. maybe not. maybe I'll kill myself at 30. I domt know anything. I want help. I just want help. that's all I've ever been screaming for since I was 11 years old is HELP to figure out EVERYTHING. but that's too much to ask. I've been through too much <-- more evidence as to why I shouldnt have lived. every story of a suicide is like that but fuck not me I guess. not me I'll just hit myself on my head and legs in front of my girlfriend like a fucking psycho. everything is so scary here. I dont know these people. I wish someone saw me as a baby, before I could give anything or provide use, and say that I was the one they chose. I wish I wasn't a product of pain and suffering and abuse. I wish I was aborted, maybe my mom would have lived a real life that way. I wish, should have, could have, etc. its all worthless in the end. but maybe some day I'll feel again. feel like I know who I am. I know everyone misses that version of me, the sick one, the one stuck in a house of horrors. so what does anyone do? my girlfriend surly is crying in yhr bathroom, what do I do? do i give her space? do i apologize uselessly some more? do i even try to go in or wait? is she hurting herself? is she hurting herself because of me? did i scare her when I hit myself? does she think I'll hit her one day? so many questions. I just want help. I miss my therapist. I miss being feeling like I was worth something, like I was worth the time people took to talk to me. I dont feel worth anything. I feel useless in every sense of the meaning, I cant provide anything. nobody should want me, and I see why they don't. I see why they stopped trying. because who wants to be friends with someone who cant get better? who wants to be in any way associated with those things? I don't know. I want to cry more. I feel so stupid for saying anything ever. I wish I never said anything, I wish I could go back and say nothing and pretend to be happy because maybe then things would feel normal just for a second. my family isnt happy. my girlfriend isnt happy. my friends don't like me. im just a bad thing that happens to people.

one day everything, every bit of pain will be worth it. I'm disgusting I hate myself i want to die. I should never say anything to anyone unless they prompt it because I'll just fuck it all up, ruin everything, I ruin everything. every friendship every conversation every relationship, I feel like I should have died in that house and the fact I made it will haunt me until I die. I'm not meant to be here. I somehow made it through the universes suicide list, between pages I guess. fuck this sucks. why didn't I die when I was 14. how am I supposed to keep going knowing nothing will ever get better. Just keep telling myself one day. maybe one day it will all be worth it. Who fucking knows.

maybe I'm just obsessed with being the victim like my mom. but fuck this is hard. this is so so hard. Google how to explain your absence without sounding manipulative! Google... how to explain you relapsed without trying to guilt trip.. google... help me google... ugh. what if im COMPLETELY different? what if im just. idk. new.? I think im the same, I think icfeel the same. I dont know. one day it will all be worth it

its kinda funny getting vague posted about. sorry I want to die...?? sorry I dont have the energy to supliment friendships? maybe he takes it personally idk. I feel bad he probably thinks I don't think about it every day but I do. it feels shittier the more time passes but it also gets scary to think about breaking the silence. feels like hitting my mom up after 2 years. feels like going back to school after a year. so many explanations I have to make as to why I was just not there. maybe im just not and maybe it's better to keep that to myself as opposed to leaning on others for support I don't know how to take? jeez. messed up man. I mean i could just say it all here its just me screaming into a void because, everyone who says they enjoy what I do, is a liar, and everyone who wants to get into the things I like, is a performative liar. lying to make things more interesting, attaching anything and everything to something I like about something someone else likes, just so they can muster through it all. God its such bullshit, its all,such bullshit. so im going to sit in my vampire corner, alone. I'll go crazy and write and read, on my own. because my interests alone have never been fucking enough and im tired of blindsiding the things I enjoy just to be friends with people. I like vampires, I'm tired of ocs. maybe that makes me boring I don't know. but its all I want to talk about and I think its been my first hyperfixation that has genuinely threatened my relationships because of how much I obsess over it. it kinda makes me feel stupid being the only one trying to get better. like having a PLAN to get better, I WANT to go to therapy, and fix my fucked up perception of sex. does she? does she honestly just want to watch me suffer and writhe while I wait for any opportunity to get better, which isnt even in my control? my birthdays coming up soon, im so scared. Will I wake up to no messages ? I guess I did it to myself if that's the case. which also sucks. but that's how it works out sometimes. everything is such a mess I just want to fade away from people's minds, I feel so guilty about the things I've done. but i cant just pretend im better now, pretend that I can just be there and be a friend that's normal. because im not. and I don't have the mental capacity to talk to people. maybe that's a me problem I don't know. feeling very twisted up right now. yesterday sucked so bad, I've never screamed like that before. my leg still hurts from where I punched it, but I think the cleaning up ciggarette butts made me feel a little more sane. I dont know how long I cried outside, I considered running. Just run and run until someone finds me, maybe kills me , or calls the police. I just want to be free, and make choices again. I want to be in control of my life again

i think im getting so much worse and that im fucking crazyyyy. im spitting in the wind to nobody because nobody else wants to hear ive been gone because of horseshit excusesss. sorry ive been gone, i dont want to wake up very much anymore. sorry ive been gone, i wanted to die. jesus its 8th grade all over again just making excuses for being gone as if me wanting to not be alive anymore cant be enough. why cant my pain be enough? do i have to just suppliment others through it? they say focus on your own mental health before involving other people in your shit, so im DOING that and i KNOW its making people just feel fucking worse! whats the point of anything anymore? i havent left this house, i dont know anything fuck everything i want to die

i think im a walking corpse?

old friends who wanted to make a tumblr who still follow me but never actually planned on using it. i wonder if any of them will actually log in one day and see all this. probably not because they didnt even care enough to use it when i was actively alive

one day everything will be worth it

vent

i want to be like girls my age. i want to have friends. i want to have inside jokes. i want to feel pretty. i want to feel worh something