this is my blog where I write mostly existential takes on things I've thought about and creatively work through things I've lived and internalized :)
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
hello vonnie

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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
YOU ARE THE REASON
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@seducere-et-perdere
this is my blog where I write mostly existential takes on things I've thought about and creatively work through things I've lived and internalized :)
In the morn I'll turn over to an empty bedside that belongs to you, cold and echoing the cries I wretched the night before.
Your touch is what kept me afloat in this time of grief, your arms the warmest embrace I've yet to feel. The sun will rise in the sky on its charted path but where is *my* Sun?
Where are you?
My love, where have you gone?
• lament •
my mother's hands are steeped in the nurture of young women and giving them faith
my father's wisdom is passed in reverence between every man and woman in this circle
my brother stands and kneels at the altar to offer blessing to the sacrament
my sisters are devout and pure, steadfast in their beliefs
and here I stand as an outcast and outlier, wounded and tormented by the knowledge that I am different and have been and will be until I die.
marching onward with this cross I will carry these burdens.
self inflicted with anger, crafted with wrought irons, I am burning under scrutiny.
is this meant to be forever? am I to wrestle with mortal consequence until my end? I cannot be woeful, this was my choice.
snakes, I'm in a den of vipers.
two faced, two headed, bulls and cattle.
unclean, unchanged, unwavering
I know your hatred and I know your anguish
but to act akin to a petulant child stomping their foot is foolish
I am not to blame for keeping myself closed, and you are not to wail because you were not chosen
to kiss the tears you've shed
would be splendor unparalleled
if but to taste
the light of the sun
how much of this outcome is my fault? what happened in the grand scheme of things for this to fall through, what haven't I done enough of for it to be this way?
self destruction shouldn't be my default when something like this happens but who do I blame? the individual or the machine? what went so wrong in my youth that's made me so critical of all my faults? does god smile down on the torment inflicted on me in my callous and sacrilegious ways?
was I preordained to tear myself apart looking for an answer? or was it influence what's put me here so far that I bleed apologies and excuses for behaviors that aren't even mine to vouch. what manner of twisted compassion moments before my spiritual death were foretold by the stars? who was the one to put this suffering in such a tightly knit and inescapable cycle?
whore of Babylon; Madonna-Whore complex, Mary Magdalene without salvation. who am I? who am I to you. what has befallen me once more will continue, and I think now is when I realize I'm not strong enough to help myself.
Me, in the midst of deep and almost unbearable suffering: ok how can i make this funny
'joseph box ltd fetish boots, 2014' in shoes: pleasure + pain - helen persson (2015)
#texture is incredibly interesting
The Vision of Saint Hubert by Franz von Stuck
sometimes I wonder if I linger in the woods long enough, would I see something like it?
there is no god here among deep shaking breaths and incense smoke curling around these four walls. there is no other deity present for me or to witness my pet sins. there is no Redeemer with open palms and brilliant aura awaiting my apologies to receive Salvation. I alone am here. I alone am alive. I alone have a body. I alone am flesh. I alone am divine, independent and carnal. Deity watches down from her vantage, her place in Aether nonlinear to me. Her visage is one I cannot comprehend yet chase to achieve for myself. Lilith if thine ears hear my prayers, dedications, promises, curses and sorrows, allow me to build myself anew under change and transformation. I believe myself to have the ambition, bless me to have the energy to execute it. let the hunger I carry be expressed outward after it eats away at me, meld and mould and melt me into something more powerful than what I am. protect my tenderness and allow me to bury it under the destruction and desire thrumming off my fingertips.
the bells toll with sombre tang calling for those who would kneel, they who are weary and brittle with all softness sunken in.
| to be |
I am not to be punished for the sins of my fathers
yet I suffer at the hands of their enemies
for generations of misdeeds against women tied to them
to women seen by them
to be a woman
| Satan is the most addictive abuser |
ever reaching for warmth yet denying any that doesn't burn and sear
first post!! excuse the Latin if it's weak, I'm open to learning new phrasing
under blankets of gray, the woods reek of brittle pine.
there's still heat winding and weaving among the branches -
behest to the unconquerable passage of time.