See The Idiot Cook

This is the tale of a dense young man who's idea of cooking was packets of powder and things wrapped in boxes. But that's all changed now. You see, the Internet knocked on his door one day, and said, "Idiot Boy, I bet you a goat and six pence I can teach you to cook!" The doltish, dopey dolt of a boy said in his shortsighted and simple way, "Who are you again, and can I borrow some money?" And the two began their journey.

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Hella artisnal flatbread zzzaaa

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Bacon and eggs be crazzzy

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Chicken farfalle auto corrects to chicken fart falls

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Simmer these babies in olive oil, red wine, garlic, thyme, onion and season. It's insane. Also get yourself some damn goat cheese and put that on the plate. Fork a mushroom, fork a little bit of that cheese, put it in your mouth. I'm not taking any questions on this one. Just do it, stinky. 

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Carne asada and shrimp tacos. "Surf and Turf" should realistically be re-named "Net and Cage" at this point, but hey, it's National Taco Day...right possible vegan audience?

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You may be saying to yourself, "Craig, what the heck is Bob Marley doing resting his head on that rice over there?" Well, in addition to the vegetables being Rasta colors, I love that song "Stir It Up." Which I played eight or nine times while making this food. The secret to terrific stir fry, besides doing reefer, is to slice the vegetables really thin. You also gonna wanna grate ginger and chop up lots of sticky icky garlic.

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Let's face it, Ragu sucks. It sounds more like a Pokemon than a goddamned pasta sauce. So when you wanna make what you think is Chicken Parmesan, but you aint got that marinara, make your own, ya jerk! All it is is the ingredients in the above picture. Tomato, garlic, herbs and a ton of onions.

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Crystal Sykes of Whiskey Soaked stopped by to make some Brown Derbies. The Brown Derby consists of grapefruit juice, honey and bourbon. They were so strong, we ended up dancing on stage at a hip hop club.

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I don't really know what the hell chutney is, but pictures of it on the internet kind of look like this stuff I made, so thats what we're calling it. Fried chicken, as always, is great and this spicy-sweet goo made it even better. Also, cauliflower baked with steak seasoning on it is fuckin dope! I guess I have to say something about the greenbeans now too. Greenbeans, you can go suck a dick! JK greenbeans, you 'aight.

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Go figure. Who would have ever thought that I'd get so hopped up on a boring, garbage salad? A good salad used to be a figment of my imagination. I would sit there painting figurines and trying to configure my wifi. Well I figured it out, the key is figs, stupid.

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I fuckin love shrimp. But when you get the kind with all their legs on still, you realize they are bugs. Like weird ocean bugs. Still tasty, and plennny messy.

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This is a Luau-Dog. Nothing represents the rich culture of Hawaii like a hotdog with barbecue sauce, pineapple and an umbrella.

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These mushrooms haven't, and will never, cause any 19 year old kids to jump off an overpass while "I Believe I can Fly" plays in their head. Other mushrooms do though, and until you break your femur, you're going to keep trying.

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When I looked down and saw this on my plate I thought it was a sign from God. 

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I WANT YOUR SOLE! I WILL EAT YOUR SOLE! COME TO DADDY, COME TO DADDY. Aphex Twin wrote that song about my fillet of sole, you guys.

[seetheidiotcook]

He's a ten-foot tall beast man, who showers in vodka, and feeds his baby shrimp scampi. He also eats a breakfast like this. If you haven't eaten at least 22 ounces of steak before 10am, I don't consider you a man. To Bill Brasky.

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This is the first thing I made that I felt like taking a picture of. I fucked up a glaze I was trying to make so I just threw pieces of mango at the frying pan. Turns out they caramelize like a brown girl's thighs. Perfect.