Seilio's Alive

Stream of consciousness. Level 100 Depression

[seilio]

I...

I want to buy something for myself. Perhaps it's time for some self-love. Perhaps something cute. I don't have room for a plushy. Maybe a bobble-head/pop-figure. Maybe. It won't fill the void in me right now but it will be something to appreciate later. ...Perhaps I can make room for a plushy.

[seilio]

Letting go of the good.

You'd think it's hard to let go of the bad. The bad habits. The bad thought cycles. The bad perspectives. It turns out the good is much harder. Bad habits bring some, fleeting reward. Bad perspective brings a world view that's the devil you know. Bad perspectives provide comfort and reassurance of deluded beliefs that may have only been true for a brief period of your life. The hardest is letting go of the good. The comfort. The fleeting reward. The hope that things will get better when you're shown they won't. You know it's better another way. You know your soul will blossom but when you're so used to being shrivelled up and dried out, hoping to revive an entire garden of dust you forget to revive yourself.

[seilio]

[seilio]

Alone.

Sometimes I feel so lonely. Perhaps I am terrible company for myself.  When I’m with you it’s not so bad. That can be hard though. It’s hard when you disappear because it’s like part of myself has disintegrated. 

[seilio]

I get it can be hard to accept love, accept you are cared. It can feel almost impossible when the world has so harshly told you otherwise.  That doesn’t mean everyone has bad intentions though. Sometimes people just care. I wish you could see me but your eyes are so cloudy, all you can see is the dirt and mistake it for those who care so deeply for you. 

[seilio]

I love you too much.

Sometimes it’s like pouring love in to a void hoping that a little splutter splashes back.