Modern Seinfeld

What if Seinfeld were still on the air?

[seinfeld-today]

We’re back! Did you miss us? Yeah, we haven’t posted on Twitter since 2015, but neither have you.

[seinfeld-today]

Jerry tries incorporating current events into his routines but struggles to keep up until Kramer suggests he start making things up. George begins carrying a foldable stool with him everywhere he goes so he never has to stand again. Elaine gets ghosted by a guy she went out with and decides to make it everyone's problem before realizing this is why she got dumped to begin with. Kramer opens a Patreon.

S37E6: "The Stool"

[seinfeld-today]

George goes on a date with a man for the first time the weekend before he starts a new job. On his first day he finds out his new boss is the father of the man he went out with. George gets uncomfortable while he's talking about this and his new boss thinks he's homophobic.

You're not gonna believe this but there's a Tiff and Eve for this 😭

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[seinfeld-today]

Twitter seems to be doing my job for me lately

[seinfeld-today]

Jerry gets cancelled for saying he doesn't like Star Wars. George rents out his apartment full time in order to become homeless. Kramer forces Jerry to watch every piece of Star Wars media ever made. Elaine sympathizes with her coworker who got sexually harassed by a superior, only to find out the creepy guy is crazy hot. Jerry gets cancelled for saying he likes Star Wars

I like to think it's not even a Star Wars thing, people are just always looking for an excuse to cancel Jerry.

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer is upset about the news pennies will be discontinued, he organizes protests to have their casting restored. George wonders if any of his father’s pennies have any value. Elaine’s girlfriend is anti-penny and always brings it up when they’re out. Jerry is tired of everyone talking about coins.

I want to apologize to this anon because this ask was really topical and came in the day that the penny was discontinued by the government. I sat on it for 9 months.

"The Penny Roll"

[seinfeld-today]

Jerry's social media feeds become flooded with clips of Bania's comedy routines. Elaine becomes determined to fix her laptop at home after being mansplained to by the repair shop clerk. George repeatedly attempts to successfully ratio someone on Twitter. Kramer devotes his soul to Cookie Clicker.

I saw this while playing Cookie Clicker myself and was instantly reminded I run this blog. They're called Black and White cookies goddamnit.

[gmbencompetence]

GEORGE: [ABRUPTLY, AFTER SILENCE] “I mean, I feel like I understand trans people.”

[JERRY STARES AT GEORGE FROM ACROSS THE TABLE IN CONFUSION AND DISBELIEF FOR SEVERAL SECONDS]

JERRY: “You understand trans people?”

GEORGE: “Is that so hard to believe?”

JERRY: “I find it hard to believe you understand yourself.”

GEORGE: “But that’s kind of my point, see. When one life isn’t working out, you can just try to find one that does. You’re doing your best as Danny, things aren’t going great… [GEORGE CLAPS HIS HANDS FOR EMPHASIS]… give it a second go as a Deborah.”

JERRY: “Like a do-over.”

GEORGE: “A do-over.”

JERRY: [PICKS UP COFFEE CUP] “I don’t think that’s what’s going on.” [DRINKS COFFEE]

GEORGE: [COMPLETELY IGNORING THIS] “And I get that. I really do. Because things have never worked out for George. George has never been able to stick the landing. But Georgina? [HE CHUCKLES CONFIDENTLY] Georgina’s going places.”

JERRY: “Georgina.”

GEORGE: “It’s a work in progress.”

JERRY: “Ya know, I think that the trans community is facing enough challenges without you being in the mix.”

GEORGE: “What, are you implying they’re too good for me?”

JERRY: “Not implying, no.”

[les-belles-mecaniques]

1973 NSU Ro 80

[teaboot]

That car looks like if Elaine from Seinfeld was a transformer

[teaboot]

“are you insulting the car or the actress” truth is neutral

[steampunkforever]

Fairytale Seinfeld. Elaine pretends to be mute to date a guy exclusively into mermaids. Jerry haggles for a parking space with Rumplestiltskin. George gets “Hansel and Gretled.” Kramer inherits magic beans.

[calicotisane]

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer gets picked for Jury duty.

Kramer eventually causes a Mistrial due to his disclosure of the case's details to basically everyone he meets; because he couldn't shut his mouth, the guy walks free and Kramer becomes an overnight celebrity.

[seinfeld-today]

George flips out after someone mistakes him for a cishet ally at a pride march. Elaine gets weirded out when her date starts referring to her as her "sister"

God forbid women with a Fauxcest kink do anything (/j)

Also I think George would be 100% willing to get down and dirty in the middle of 5th Avenue just to prove a point.

[seinfeld-today]

Due to a petty grievance with a particular restaurant, George embraces his Italian heritage in an attempt to get it shut down. Jerry gets canceled on Twitter for saying he doesn’t like hummus. Kramer invents a country to pretend to be from in order to make his YouTube cooking channel seem authentic. Elaine, who claims she doesn’t like sushi, gets banned from a Japanese restaurant and repeatedly attempts to circumvent it. The United States declares war on Kramer’s fictitious country

Every sentence in this is funnier than the last by an order of magnitude. I genuinely didn't think we could top George taking his final revenge on Reggie's, but oh baby we do.

[seinfeld-today]

More people start finding Jerry’s standup offensive. Kramer starts raising owls in his apartment. George’s girlfriend encourages him to chase a promotion at work, unwittingly urging him down a Macbeth-style path of corporate backstabbing and hubris. Elaine is upset that her friend got catcalled and she didn’t. Newman is revealed to have been recommending Jerry’s act to people who are guaranteed to hate it.

God Elaine would get so pissy about not getting catcalled, even though she hates it as a concept and would probably punch out any guy that did it to her. But if anyone is attracting catcalls, it should be her, damn it!

Also yeah Newman is the ultimate hater and he's so real for that (/j)

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer creates a petition to ban LED lights. George’s new girlfriend wears too many bracelets. Elaine thinks her roommate is eating her food. Jerry’s new sneakers squeak when he walks.

People keep signing Kramer's petition because they think that he specifically means LED Headlights, and those things are cancer. Also Elaine 100% did it to herself by eating food she thought was communal but the roommate had bought for herself. This is just revenge.

While I've got your attention, do we think that this is related to last week's plot of the Sketchers, or is this just a lovely coincidence?

[seinfeld-today]

Sounds about right for Seinfeld Continuity.

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer creates a petition to ban LED lights. George’s new girlfriend wears too many bracelets. Elaine thinks her roommate is eating her food. Jerry’s new sneakers squeak when he walks.

People keep signing Kramer's petition because they think that he specifically means LED Headlights, and those things are cancer. Also Elaine 100% did it to herself by eating food she thought was communal but the roommate had bought for herself. This is just revenge.

While I've got your attention, do we think that this is related to last week's plot of the Sketchers, or is this just a lovely coincidence?