kay

[selenesencore]

You said to not think like that,

But I can't help it,

I can only think about how peaceful it will be for you and for me when I stop existing.

I hate how i am living

So I feel it is better to not exist,

than to live like an empty shell that's rotting every minute!

There is a part of me that’s wanting to live

But it's fading away lil by lil as i live

Do I really deserve to live such a painful life?

Every time i say I’m struggling to live,

It means that I am not finding any reason to live.

You say to not think like that

Saying that is easy,

Hearing those words tears me apart.

As if no one will put an effort other than me to keep me alive

But you know what,

I'm slowly losing my strength and that willpower that’s keeping me alive.

Nobody is to blame, I should not have been born at all…

[selenesencore]

Letting go of an 8-year-long one-sided crush (or love)

I never knew I was in love for 8 years. And the time I realized I was in love- It was time for me to let him go to someone else I barely knew, To someone else I was insecure about..

Moving back to 2016,

So, there's this guy I've been low-key crushing on for eight years. Everyone knew I was crushing hard, maybe even him. But I never expressed about it, because I knew even if we got together, things wouldn't work out long-term. So, we stayed friends. Somewhere the crush feeling stayed the same, I never let it grow into anything beyond. It worked for some time, but as our friendship started becoming close, My feelings also faded (at least that's what I thought)

But still- I started having an on-and-off crush on him.. then a couple of years ago our friends got hitched, and my crush blew up around those times. All these feelings flooded back, even though I knew it was a dead end. I cried for like, days. After that, things cooled down between us. I guess we were both changing, growing in different directions, following our own dreams. And some days after even our friendship became distant.. That's when I realized we were outgrowing each other. And I wasn't able to accept I was outgrowing him. But I knew I had to make a choice, so I pulled back a bit, and our friendship became more distant. We didn't text much anymore..

For months and months nothing happened, But like 4 days back I had this dream where I desperately wanted him to be with me, even though we both knew it was impossible. The emptiness, the longing, the butterflies – all of it was intense in this dream. the following day I also had another dream, this time - he getting engaged to someone.

I texted him to laugh about it, but what he said felt like a bomb in my head. He said that he is in a relationship. I shut down for a few minutes. Still, I texted him how happy I was (I genuinely was) and was also enquiring about how he met her. But internally it was hard for me to process, again I cried a lot.

So I took time to process things... then I realized I was genuinely happy for him. He is a very good person, a pakka husband material. And ever since I've known him, I've only wished everything good for him.. But still, I had a - What about me? voice in my head. And I guess I felt sorry for myself because I never really allowed myself to explore these emotions. Also on the other hand I cherished this feeling (him).

And most importantly I never acknowledged this as something more than a crush, even though I knew it was. It was something more than a crush, but less than a full-fledged love. It took 8 years for me to accept I even had a little bit of love for him in me..

Now I know I have to let him go, it's heartbreaking now to even think about- letting him go.

And finally,

To the man who I never said- I love you

Thank you!

[selenesencore]

When the bees around me sucked my nectars

That was all i could do - give mine

Little did i know I was loosing myself

In a deep pit

That nobody ever came across.

Somewhere on this weak life, I found some one who was with me.

On days that I feel hopeless,

I see you be behind me.

Patting my shaky shouders,

Till I stop shivering.

When I blurtout words that hurt others,

I see you defending me,

Because it was only you that found my scars.

When I realised it was only me who can see my scars,

I created another version of myself to hold those scars.

Maybe I felt i wasn't strong enough to carry them.

Maybe I wanted to feel secure in someone's arms.

When no one knew about my scars what can I do more than this.

I did all I could,

In this blind world,

That refuses see the human behind this costume called skin.

[selenesencore]

You can be good

And toxic at the same time.

[weltenwellen]

It’s weird to grow up in a family where you know you’re loved but you don’t feel loved. And then later in adulthood you understand how almost impossible it seems to cross that distance and let yourself experience closeness, how otherworldly love feels now and how love feels unbearable at times. You flinch when someone tries to wholeheartedly love you. And over and over you see so clearly how you cannot be loved unless it's from afar and love is mixed with that familiar sensation of distance and coldness.

[thoughtkick]

“Once you realize there is life after mistakes, you gain a self-confidence that never goes away.”

— Bob Schieffer

[selenesencore]

In sunsets and in long roads

Till the places you go

I will walk behind the paths you left

Reminiscing those moments

And Searching you in every Stardust

Lying under my feet.

I will forever be that guy you left behind.

To live this way I chose you,

To feel this way I chose you.

So that you might not feel unheard.

[selenesencore]

There is no such things as right emotions and wrong emotions

_K.J.H_

[selenesencore]

There are many things that I'm thankful towards you, from your music being there for me when I was searching for hope to live, to inspiring me to write my own hurdles as book, you were there in every part of my life ever since I have known you, the more I listen to you, the more I fall in love with you, the more I read about you the more I fall in love, I can't really describe the love I have towards you or SHINee to anyone who knows me. Words are really not enough to express, at the same time it is the only way I am able to. I will promise you one thing today, the more I grow in life, the more I will write about you, in sunsets and in moon-nights, in books and in skies, in those places that people don't find you, in places that only I can find. This story that I write will only be known to you and me, that way you'll be safe with us.

[mypoeticcells]

"Some people turn sad awfully young," he said. "No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I'm one of them."

Ray Bradbury, Dandelion wine

[selenesencore]

I sometimes don't want people to understand eachother,

I just want us to acknowledge we can't understand everything.

[selenesencore]

I asked you for the first time to tell 'you will survive this well'

Instead you thought 'she's insane for this'

As if you know all about my sanity.

[pangolin-404]

I have so many thoughts that they all cancel each other out and I come up with a net 0 in the end

[selenesencore]

Let lust be aside, i need a human who i can be comfortabe, even in silence

[selenesencore]

Every little thing we are doing right now is making our future self's fate.

[selenesencore]

If you could only see those bruises

Would you still blame me for not taking care of you.

I might be causing you pain

But how can I offer you love

When all I have is pain

Do you expect me to suck all those little bits of warmth within that pain and give them to you

Then who'd take care of me

If you only needed warmth why did you choose me who was full of throns.

Do you really need to take everything out of me

Then there'd would be no me

It'll be you and your warmth

How'll I be alive.

[selenesencore]

Crying comes in different languages for different humans.