My Own Little Closet

I opened the door to the closet, but I'm still in here. I'm still hiding, just with one foot out of the door.Alec | 22| Demiboy/Trans | He/Him| BPD

[scretladyspider]

People who are pansexual are:

attracted to persons regardless of their gender 

and/or attracted to all genders

people with a really pretty PRIDE flag

we are not:

special bisexual snowflakes

calling bi people transphobic 

confused

[scretladyspider]

Also bisexuality is an awesome and valid identity and you can pry my bi/pan solidarity from my cold dead hands

[transswordbian]

People who are bisexual are:

Attracted to two or more genders

Can be attracted to all genders but prefers to use bisexual as a term/label

People with a really cool pride flag

We are NOT:

Transphobic

Disregarding of nonbinary genders

Confused

Shout-out to my pan siblings btw! Y'all are great! Anyone who disagrees can pry bi/pan solidarity from my cold, dead fingers

[scretladyspider]

Woo! Yes!

[theendoftimehaspassed]

[semiboi]

I apparently used the name Alec for my character in a Pokémon game over 8 years ago.

It’s the little things. I chose to be a boy and called myself Alec, in a game that wants you to make the player character be you.

At this point in time I didn’t really know that you could be trans, but I felt more comfortable being a boy called Alec than who I was.

[semiboi]

I always worried that I’d get bored with my new name, and not be affected when someone used the wrong pronouns for me.

I worried that I wasn’t really trans. That I was just going through stuff in my life. That I was just kinda..bored by being ‘my old self’.

But it’s been almost a year since I came out properly and it still feels right. I feel more myself than I ever have.

I still get a little euphoric every time someone says my name. And I still feel all kinds of wrong when I get misgendered.

And generally the just all feels RIGHT. Except the god awful dysphoria…

[transmedmanic]

Not ment as an attack but if you go by he/him and she/her what even are wrong pronouns in this case and how are you misgendersd? if being called ‘she’ makes you dysphoric (id assume based off this post) why do you do it?

[semiboi]

I only go by he/him now, but it seems that I’ve not updated the description of this blog to reflect that. I haven’t even updated my age, and it’s almost been a year 😬

So no offense taken at all.

[semiboi]

I’ve gotten dates for consultations at the gender clinic, the gynecologist and at the hospital that does topsurgeries.

And it’s all very exciting, except my first appointment is October. And the appointments for surgery and hormones are in spring, and those are just info meetings.

It all seems so far away.

[semiboi]

Sometimes you are in a situation where you’d like to take off your binder, to take a deep and proper breath, but your dysphoria won’t let you.

And there’s really no solution, is there? Not in that moment.

[semiboi]

I’ve always wanted to make videos. About everything and nothing, but also about transition stuff.

But now that I finally have the equipment for it, I have no clue about what to talk about.

[semiboi]

I can’t stand this ‘in between’ state.

I can’t stand people not seeing me the way I see myself. But not being able to go back and pretend again.

My old name coming up again and again.

“But you don’t really look like a boy, so I can’t call you he.”

The feeling of ‘is this person calling me by my name and pronouns because they support me, or because they feel obligated to’.

[semiboi]

I always worried that I’d get bored with my new name, and not be affected when someone used the wrong pronouns for me.

I worried that I wasn’t really trans. That I was just going through stuff in my life. That I was just kinda..bored by being ‘my old self’.

But it’s been almost a year since I came out properly and it still feels right. I feel more myself than I ever have.

I still get a little euphoric every time someone says my name. And I still feel all kinds of wrong when I get misgendered.

And generally the just all feels RIGHT. Except the god awful dysphoria...

[semiboi]

It’s been over two months since I was at the gender clinic, and I still clearly haven’t had my case accepted.

It’s frustrating, especially after being told that I wouldn’t have to overall wait as long as I’d expected.

I guess all there is to do is call them again (for the third time) and ask if my case has been processed yet.

[semiboi]

After at least a year of wanting this exact tattoo, I finally got it a few days ago!

[semiboi]

I lied to my therapist at the gender clinic.

And that’s just something I had to do.

If I didn’t, it might’ve severely impacted my treatment and my options for hormones and surgery.

When she asked me: “Do you feel like you’re just a man, or do you feel non-binary?” I lied to her face.

“I’m just a man.”

When in reality I’m not.

Some days I am, but sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m something else.

But being anything but binary leaves you in a grey zone, so we’d rather lie and pretend than have to fight the fights that non-binary might spark.

And it’s disgusting and unfair.

[semiboi]

To clarify: This post is only relevant to where I am from. It’s a big problem that we struggle with here.

And I lied about that one small detail, and only that.

Don’t lie to a therapist, or any medical professional. They are there to help you.

Had there not been rules against non-binary people having surgery here, I would not have lied.

[6livevil6-deactivated20190720]

4/4/2018 Update

Still homeless, gay, trans and in need of assistance.

I applied for 8 different jobs today!

I’ll post as I hear anything or line up an interview.

Tonight will be our 3rd night with my mother, out of 14 we are allowed. Things so far have been pretty good.

When we leave my mother’s house, we are very likely going to have to camp again until mid to late May when we can qualify for rent assistance.

Camping= $18/night

Phone bill = $90 due 4/10 - this is a contracted agreement, and our phones are a priority bill to pay

Car payment= $125 due 4/24 also a priority bill

Other than that we will need to purchase cat food, litter, gas, food, and business casual professional clothing for working.

https://www.paypal.me/olivergraham9

Venmo: @transitionmatrix

Check out this list: https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1UV361KBFAWRS

[semiboi]

I lied to my therapist at the gender clinic.

And that’s just something I had to do.

If I didn’t, it might’ve severely impacted my treatment and my options for hormones and surgery.

When she asked me: “Do you feel like you’re just a man, or do you feel non-binary?” I lied to her face.

“I’m just a man.”

When in reality I’m not.

Some days I am, but sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m something else.

But being anything but binary leaves you in a grey zone, so we’d rather lie and pretend than have to fight the fights that non-binary might spark.

And it’s disgusting and unfair.

[semiboi]

I had my first appointment at the gender clinic today.

And for years I've heard all the horror stories, but my experience today was good.

I was greeted by a nice lady. She listened to me and let me talk without interruptions.

I'd prepared myself for every question she could ask though, and I think that really helped it go smoothly. Every time she found a hole in my story, I had an answer to fill it with.

Theres been a little fuckup with my appointments for the next two months, but other than that, I'm sure it will go well.

I just need to loose weight...

[semiboi]

Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah or happy tidings no matter what you're beliefs are.

Its been quite a while since I updated this blog. I was unfortunately very sick and couldn't do much. I've also moved around 3 times in the last 5 months, with yet another love happening in two weeks.

So there's that.

But while that's all said and done, I also finished therapy for my bpd diagnosis which meant I could start my transition for real!

And today I got my letter with the date for my first appointment at the gender clinic!

It's on the 22nd of January.

I'm both excited and nervous.

I know how a lot of it's gonna go, but this is gonna be about me. And I need to convince them that I'm indeed trans.

Hope you are all well!

[semiboi]

Oh boy, it sure has been a long time since I posted anything here. And I'm sorry for that.

But life has been crazy and I'm severely depressed so I have I energy to write anything.

But I haven't disappeared for good.

[more-moodboards]