I totally forgot the existence of this place and this will be kinda long.
So, okay. I am not using this place for a long time. And I still have 1300 followers or so, I don’t know how you guys all still here but thank you.
I started this platform, not only this but all of my other stupid social media accounts, as an escape from judgemental reality of my life. I was able to be who I actually am, no need to hide what I like and everything. And that’s why everyone else started too, right?
But you see, recently I realized I cannot like photos or posts that I like on Instagram, because I fear people seeing them and judging me, saying how immature I am and laughing at me. I realized I cannot post anything on Twitter about actual me, things that I like to follow and such, because I fear it would be so unprofessional for those who follow me. I realized more and more how I am scared to like things publicly because how people would react to it.
And maybe this place became the same. Maybe this will be a mistake too, I don’t know. But I also don’t have anywhere else to turn myself into, so here I go.
I am a really giving person if I am comfortable with certain people, like if I really trust and like someone, those people are the most important. I would share everything and I try everything if they need something. But I am also an open book to those who I trust. I like to share about things that I really like. With one of exes, I think I was too much of an open book (but isn’t a relationship supposed to be like that? Why do I still regret it after 2 years? I don’t know). I was so blindly dependent and trusting that I started believe the things he said about the things I like. I was like, yeah I am not right. And like, shit man, those were so simple things you know, just the fact that I liked listening kpop and adored some of the bands and that I liked to read yaoi related stuff. But he was always like ‘that’s not normal, you are not normal, I am not Asian? How can you like this people and still be with me? Like wtf why are you reading gay stuff? That’s so weird’. You know the sad thing? If you hear something so many times, from one person who you blindly trust, you actually believe those. These are so generic things, things that you know deep inside, don’t let others change what you believe, like or think. Everyone knows that right? Everyone says this. But I didn’t even realize that was the case when it was happening.
Well yeah. I had two important relationships in these past, I don’t know 5 years, and both damaged my self confidence so hard. And now after realizing people who I trusted the most did this to me, I am now scared shitless to show people what I really like. And it’s so disgusting that I feel like I am still wrong and weird, because of things I like. So that’s the case.
This is the only platform left for me to be free, because I don’t think there are not a lot of people here that know me in real life. I have some friends that follow this account, but I believe those people are few that have open minds or they stopped using this place.
Fuck, I opened this account when I was 16 years old. I was a stupid teenager with big dreams of being a badass person with suicidal tendencies. Now I am 24. I moved away from my home country, I am away from all those people who I grew with. I am away from my family. Trying to live by myself and shit. And every day I wake up, I am like shit I don’t want to be an adult, please save me.
I don’t know how to conclude this. It’s been so long that I didn’t write something.
All the point was that, this is the only platform that I have left that I don’t care what people think. Caring in the way that I would let things that I hear or read change the way I think of myself, or not. So here is this long as message, text, whatever. I just needed to let it out.
If someone even read it this far, thank you. I hope you never encounter with people who may destroy your self confidence, they are not worth it. Even though it may be hard to remember that sometimes.
edit: I also changed the account name, in case some people would try to find this place. I used bunch of things I don’t even remember much. It was melabaa for a long time and then it was senbonzuki for a while.
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
baratheonpilled
areudirty
izzy806
kaledo-art
andulkaphoto
titsay
