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Our combined brain cells are not that impressive, but they are dangerous

#kat #funny #humor #I was talking about my cats until I wasn’t #boy howdy

Friend: it’s 11:11

Me: make a wish!

Me *internally*: I wish I would die

Me *out loud, to self*: oh come on that’s a terrible wish

#work #make a wish #people just look at me weird #I think my friend read my mind #it’s okay #she says same

If your name is Ishmael Rodriguez and you recently gave your credit card information to a lady over the phone, I regret to inform you that she repeated it all, out loud, in the middle of a Kohl’s. She repeated everything but the expiration date, so at least you got that going for you.

#even address and phone number #I’m so sorry my dude #her name was Karen #I can’t make this up #classic karen #good god Karen have you no sense #someone tell Ishmael Rodriguez #never give Karens credit card information #especially over the phone

Well somebody’s gotta go ham for futsol.

#sometimes your love is so great it manifests in a car sticker #futsol #it’s life apparently #someone somewhere is a random things biggest fan

Mama Mia, here we go again, my my evacuate the dance floor

#sometimes this is all I can think of #mama Mia #somebody call 911 #singing #my mind is empty

For those who wonder what people do with their b00bs in the shower:

Personally I unscrew mine so they can be hand washed later.

#them bitches are picky #washed in cold water #cold water prevents shrinkage #and for the LOVE let them air dry

If your life’s a fucking mess clap your hands!

If your life’s a fucking mess and you’re filled with dread and stress,

If you’re life’s a fucking mess clap your hands!

#ah #life #my hands are clapping #your ass cheeks might be slapping #honestly #you do you

If geese were given access to weapons, humanity would not survive.

#sorry #tis the facts #geese #they would not hesitate #nor would they feel remorse

Honestly it’s a shame vine died before trump got into office. He was pissed with TikTok? Vine would have Torn Him Apart. We, the people, were robbed.

#vine #TikTok #boy howdy #the possibilities #endless

“How are you doing?”

I’m giving everyone I know a loaf of bread hollowed out and stuffed with goldfish, how do you think I’m doing?

#merry christmas #merry crisis #the snack that smiles back

I just need serious crystal energy in my life

#any suggestions #I’m going to give up and become a cryptid #cryptid of Home Depot

“And since Satan taught Eve sex, that means she pegged Adam.”

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#it’s in the Bible #please I don’t know what to do #MJ shout out to you bröther

Do you need this here beginner fishing kit?

I don’t know how to fis

Well you can learn with this here *smacks* beginner fisher kit

#shitpost #redneck preschool #edumucation #god I wish I could add voices to posts #weird voices is my only talent

I’m a greeter at Home Depot and offer people masks if they don’t have one. Most people take one and it’s good but every once in a while a guy will be like “no thanks” and keep walking...

THIS IS WHY WER’RE STILL IN A PANDEMIC BRAD

#wear your masks #work #Covid #2020

*I step through the pearly gates and into Walmart*

I can add jackets, I can’t remove flesh

#cold v hot #I hate temperature #too cold #too hot

It’s not illegal if it’s a final request.

#become a knife #stab your enemy #use your ashes for good

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