wakes up in a cold sweat: cole
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@sensehurt-blog
wakes up in a cold sweat: cole
"I suppose being angry is just easier than being sad."
@sacrificialarrow + solasstopbeingstubborn.png
years, so many years, like the way the fade seems timeless. was it better to have been asleep, only to wake: unaware, lost? disconnected, disjointed, all of your own making? the pieces of mirrors twist, shake, crack, and wall away the dreams of a wolf who thought he was doing right.
the pain is like a resin around solas’ heart: encased and hardened over time. cole isn’t allowed to touch, isn’t allowed to breach, and every breath is a gifted one. solas’ gaze is as steady as the way it is watchful. “angry at yourself?” cole asks tentatively, and hears the doorways behind him closing. ( angry at those who pushed you this far? )
it’s hard, being angry.
it’s hard, being sad too, all coiled and twisted, a weight bubbling behind the backs of your eyes. cole finds himself looking down, looking at the way his feet stay steady on the warmth of the ground. “it isn’t as bad here as you thought. the people aren’t either. that must be hard, too.”
there is no changing minds once made. no human hands can move a mountain, but they can make parts of it crumble. “when did the protecting stop, and the fighting begin? you just want everything to be right, again.” cole blinks, then finds his way back to solas, understanding. “it’s hard for me, here. but we can’t go back, we should keep going forward.”
“ go on : if you have something to say, spit it out. ” i edited it yeah leave me alone sdkgjsndg
@bornpariah + h-hey
the whispers in the whites of cole’s eyes make his bottom lip fold, shake: “you don’t really want me to.” in the curl of his hands, cole can feel the billows of sand between them, caught in the webbing of his fingers. he chokes up the salmon that swim up the river of his throat, their fins stuck in the lines of dorian’s thoughts. “i always spit the words out, but the words speak too real, and the spine of them hurts. you don’t want to bend your back beneath them.”
his grip pulls on the fringes of his hat, shadowing, hiding, because the gold of dorian shimmers, and the tar, wet and chilled like a film on cole’s skin doesn’t belong, there. “i try to help, but the words are like hooks caught between your teeth. i’m not fishing.” cole’s lips twist together, knotted and disjointed; tangled. “but i can’t help, you won’t let me.”
desperation, almost child-like, strays confusedly in the whine of his voice. “why?”
there are some questions that even cole has a hard time answering.
i will be home ... soon 🙇♀️
onion (a sad moment)
❝ ———— COLE, ❞ there is a severity to his voice that isn’t often present, an anger that reverberates through it and him, a peculiar undercurrent of DESPERATION that causes a tremor. In his hands / his heart / his soul. The perfect mastery of anger is something that eludes him and will elude him forevermore and while there are few who can push him quite so far ——— few who know the precise traps to trip to ensnare him in such a state ——— few who are able to get quite so close : Cole is one of them.
It’s the nature of his EXISTENCE, this ability to pinpoint what hurts. To unerringly find the weaknesses which riddle each and every living creature / and to thus sink his clever daggers into them / and to watch with rapt attention as you BLEED OUT before him. No mercy. No humanity.
Cruel ——— this and that and the other. Which is to say : Cole’s actions are cruel / as is Dorian.
Yet there is something tender bleeding inside of his chest and his lungs are filling with blood and he is drowning beneath the weight of his SORROW and there is no room left for COMPASSION inside of him. He is hemorrhaging. He is hurting / and for all that logic dictates that Cole simply wants to help ———
He knows. He knows.
❝ Unless you wish for me to banish you to the Fade, get out of my sight. Immediately, ❞ the Veil thrums around them and HE KNOWS. Dorian is no fool / he isn’t deluded / that Cole doesn’t know better is something that a great deal are aware of and he knows. He knows. He knows.
But logic cannot overcome the vivid irrationality of EMOTION at all times and it’s a losing battle and he is tremulous with it. Cole wishes to help / Dorian has always been poor at accepting help. And cruelty ——— it is a deep seated instinct to lash out with words / a feeble defense against the onslaught against his weakest points.
Pathetic, really.
So tumultuous his fury is that the expression on Cole’s face ( half hidden by his hat / by the way he ducks his head / by the way that he tries to make himself smaller and that’s infuriating, as well, for some unnameable and unknowable reason ) hardly dampens it / a mere drop of water on a wildfire / and he breathes and / breathes and / he knows.
That twisted expression and those large eyes and the softness replaced by desolation and the slope of his shoulders and the Veil sings a jagged and horrible song and it’s cruel. How he doesn’t know. How he doesn’t understand. ( and there’s that damnable empathy that flutters in his chest / curling around his sternum with the reminder that COLE SIMPLY WANTS TO HELP. )
❝ ———— I know you don’t understand, Cole, ❞ his voice remains tight and his jaw set and his shoulders hard and he RADIATES his anger / a blazing sort of thing / uncontrollable in the here and now. ❝ And I know you want to help, but you’re hurting me right now. Do you understand? ❞
He makes an aborted sort of motion ——— something that Dorian doesn’t understand and doesn’t care to try to understand as he struggles to breathe beneath his SELF-FLAGELLATING MISERY as it crushes his sternum. What remains of his heart. His lungs. ❝ I’m sorry, for what I said. But I don’t wish to see you, right now. For a short while, I think. ❞
And in the space of a blink ——— he’s gone. And Dorian continues to drown.
@sensehurt // send me a meme !! ( always accepting )
hey, so i reblogged my roommates post a week ago talking the utter messes that have kind of attacked our lives recently from a plethora of losing jobs, car tire issues and sick cats. financial troubles are killing all of us right now to where losing the house is becoming more and more likely. we were able by the end of last month pay $900 to the original basic $1700 amount as stated in alien’s post and that got us square for that moment. right now we owe over $2k right now and we’re struggling a fuck ton right now.
my roommates are losing weight due to how far behind we are with all money going to bills a good set of the time while foregoing food – which is not at all healthy.
essentially we’re struggling to get this paid down and honestly any money big or small will help us. all of us left pretty wild family lives to live together and be happier and if we cannot pay this down and get out of warning foreclosure soon we’ll have to split up indefinitely.
personally i never wanted to write something of this magnitude but please, if you cannot donate please simply reblog this to boost this ; money will be going to our mortgage 95% with the rest likely going to other behind bills ( power and internet ) along with food.
alien’s ko - fi: here
my ko - fi: here
my paypal: [email protected]
alien’s paypal: [email protected]
“ i do care. ”
huffed, puffed, chest pulled in, pulled back, balled up and strung out and unforgiving, the lines of dorian’s face crease and deepen in their anger, exasperation slick in his cheeks. cole watches passively, as if the feelings directed towards him can’t touch him. “i do care,” dorian insists, an admittance like a knot wound up beneath his tongue, vulnerability twitching red and vile like an open wound.
cole can feel it rush over him like an enveloping wave, but the heaviness he feels is not his own. he dips his head, trying to understand the insistency of the repeat: caring, for him, but – “why?” cole asks, an innocent a question as ever, but he feels the barbs of it puncture and stills, eyes pale. “i don’t … understand. i’m me, but just enough for everyone else. you don’t have to care.”
the balking comes first, then the pain later, like a hiss through the backs of dorian’s teeth. “of course i don’t, that’s the point,” he says, and his pain blooms inside cole like a poisonous flower, seeds making cole’s veins swollen.
cole bows his head, unsure. “i’m sorry,” he says, voice whispered underneath the lingering pain, “it was easier when people didn’t care.”
cole finds, after looking onto dorian's expression, he shouldn’t have said anything at all.
@bornpariah
“ change isn’t easy. ”
“it is strange,” cole murmurs, attention mindless in the way the leaves fall or the wind whispers, quieter now that his anger catches the tips of his hands, nowhere to go, or the pain stills in the ribbing of his bones, pieced within the marrow, “to remember.”
he turns back towards varric, the distance of his expression melting into twisted knots, tugging at his brows. cole’s hat falls heavy on the heart of his words. “thankful, yes, but surprised too. i keep realizing there’s … more. too much, sometimes, like when vivienne yells and i can feel the point of it still stick.” there’s a shine of color in cole’s eyes, the glass of a marble; impenetrable. “i don’t like that i don’t like her. i’m supposed to help.”
varric’s sigh is less long-agonizing than it is understanding, the lilt of his voice comforting enough to make the howling stop. “kid,” he says, the same way he always does, sure of himself as if the world made words for him, “change isn’t easy.”
cole pulls his lips together. “am i … changing?” his hand clutches the front of him, curled quickly in the shame of past hurts. “i want it … i hope it … is for the better.”
the silence ebbs enough for cole to startle at a warm hand, pressed supportively at the edge of his elbow, varric’s fingers landing tentatively on cole’s inner arm. words bubble up in him, try to find their way out, but all cole can feel is: bianca’s wood still in the firm grip of his hands, the shudder of air, and ‘it’s okay, i'm here with you’.
@tethrist
:big think:
TIMOR MORTIS CONTURBAT ME ——— THE FEAR OF DEATH CONFOUNDS ME. // independent and private dorian pavus of dragon age, by mimi.
†† ⌜O’, GOD OF ABRAM / O’, GOD OF ISAAC PULL OUT YOUR SWORD && LEAD ME ON.
ind. priv. hc prevalent. crossover friendly. as adored by reiga. // promo template src.
"If this is your idea of fun, I don’t know what to say to you."
“fun?” the word is strange and bitter, but not unwanted; learning, broken open like a bud. cole’s lips find strange roots on the dirt of his mouth, his head shaking to disagree. he hands off the last bit of bread he has, palm lingering atop the child’s head before she runs off, holding the food to her chest, beaming. “that’s not the word i’d use, but i have noticed … it makes me happy.”
gaze still lingering protectively over the place she left, cole slides his gaze slowly towards his company, expression quiet as the night just before dawn. “is it hard to imagine, helping? do too many thorns cut their way between you?”
@boundbyhonour + an inbox meme ive lost
lightmimic·:
“—— I’ve heard about you.” And her smile is both at the kindness he shares and the familiarity she sees / does not see in the spirit before her. He — spirit in the form of a boy. She — empty vessel made to absorb memories / blood / heart. Both of them make the NORMAL ONES afraid. But he wants to help. So does she. ( or kairi would / or sora would / or —— ) “Cole. Right?”
“heard? oh. from who?” curious at the tips of his lips, warm at his fingertips, its strange to be heard of – for to be heard of, spoken of is to remembered, to be passed along without them forgetting or him forgetting. even now, in so many forms later, he does not mind being remembered, as long as it is for the things he did to help. “cole, yes. enough to live as maybe he wanted to live.” under the brim of his hat, there’s a kindness to the folds of cole’s mouth. “xion. right?” he echoes. “pieced together, but still you. only you.
guiltsworn·:
no experience could have ever prepared vic for this sort of interaction. his mind stutters, emotions twisting as they decide how exactly he’s going to respond. cole apologizes, & vic feels bad for it——so he acts on his first instinct ; to be kind. ❝no, its … its alright.❞ is it ? he doesn’t entirely FEEL alright anymore. perhaps that’s his own fault ; thinking of his mother never feels quite so happy, & neither does being presented with the problems he tries so hard to ignore. problems he created, of course. ❝its nothin’ i’m not used to. ya’ don’t have to … ❞ he trails off, head tilting just slightly. cole said ‘she says,’ before. he blinks quite a few times before speaking again. ❝we ?❞
kind at the core but warped; wrung out, left to dry in the rain, there’s the hope there like the lingering caress of a mother’s hand. cole understands – but victor does not. trying to be kind but being treated kindly instead, unnatural, cole feels the dampness clamped around his heart like a discomfort. “her hurt lingers, touches yours. she’s gone but she … stays. that’s how i listen.” cole’s mouth is dry, gaze scattered. “to be okay with hurting … no, to push it aside, away, better to deal with it later, but later is forever. don’t you … don’t you not want to hurt, anymore?
demonslayvr·:
>> 🔥 << IF HE WASN’T SO DISTRAUGHT HE WOULD’VE AGREED. THAT THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN ANYTHING HE COULD HAVE DONE. nothing he could have done that would have been significant. he’d lost the only one that . . while they never saw eye to eye and the guy had SHOT HIM more times than anyone could normally survive . . he’d lost the last person that he considered family. he didn’t know if he was dead or WORSE and that’s the . . that’s the thing that twists within him. he shakes his head, head bowed as tears welled up, angry and frustrated.
❝ i . . there’s no way t’know that’s how it woulda happened. i woulda kept on him forever if i had to. if i had t’ stop him from doin’ this shit over ‘n over again JUST to have him here with me i would. i don’t wanna be th’ only one that matters if that means my brother’s gotta be away from me. we . . ❞ he trails off, fists clenching as he grit his teeth.
❝ fuck fate ‘n all that stuff . . it doesn’t make it feel any better. ❞
“he’s alive,” cole mentions, a figure fading fast, rimmed with the haze of a different world, of hurt being pressed down, old, forgotten, “and he needed to leave. but being alive gives him … a chance to return.” so out of touch in the way to not know how to live without, like a spirit without the fade, pulled through, forced, in a world unrecognizable – but the warping created, the existence tugged and pulled painfully at threads is a person, blue and burning, back turned.
there is nothing to say that could make it better – the loss of someone you never thought you would have to live without – like the way the inquisitor shined too bright to bursting. gone. “i know,” is all cole says, the man’s loss splinters burrowed in his heart, too new to not be felt, translated into a pain of his own. “it’s no easy answer, no replacement, but to live … we need more than one person.” cole heaves, as if breathing could clear the haze of his mind. “otherwise, we’re lost when they’re gone.” he shakes his head. “it was … his decision. it is harder to understand than to accept.”
𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻
repost, don’t reblog !
𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !
FULL NAME. cole, just cole PRONUNCIATION. coal NICKNAME. kid, compassion GENDER. cole was ‘he’, so he goes by ‘he’ HEIGHT. 5′7″ AGE. ?? (the body he takes form of was in its early twenties) ZODIAC. pisces SPOKEN LANGUAGES. it depends. he understands language through other people. you could say he speaks everything -- you could also say he doesn’t speak anything at all. he can speak in most common tongues, at least.
𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !
HAIR COLOR. platinum. EYE COLOR. blue. SKIN TONE. pale, almost sickly tone. BODY TYPE. wiry, though he does have muscle tone. long limbed and unassuming, but can carry his own weight. ACCENT. his voice actor gives him a british accent, though that doesn’t say much from where cole is or hails from. VOICE. example here. DOMINANT HAND. he uses both hands. it’s easier that way. POSTURE. often bends, sitting or standing or crouched. he rarely stands with a straight back, his posture usually relaxed or withdrawn, shoulders hunched, hands brought to his chest. SCARS. the body cole made doesn’t have scars. TATTOOS. n/a. BIRTHMARKS. n/a. MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). his hat. he rather likes his hat. appearance never mattered to him, as much as being. he didn’t intentionally or knowingly make himself hard to remember, or erase most noticeable features, but he tends to hide all the same.
𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !
PLACE OF BIRTH. it depends. compassion was born in the fade. cole was born in a village house. the cole now was born in the spire cell, holding a human’s hands. HOMETOWN. the spire, maybe, though the only place cole really considered “home” was skyhold, in the inquisition. BIRTH WEIGHT. BIRTH HEIGHT. MANNER OF BIRTH. there was no “birth” as more being created. first, out of feeling. second, out of someone else, of needing to help. FIRST WORDS. n/a. SIBLINGS. n/a. ( the original body of cole, had a sister, once. it’s unclear, but she must have died. ) PARENTS. n/a. ( a mother, a father. it’s hard to remember the mother. the father is clearer. ) PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT. n/a. ( mother must have had magic. must have been hated. he remembers hiding, always hiding, and his father’s anger, spittle like venom, knuckles like bruises. it would have been better to never have been born with magic. magic killed him. templars killed him. )
𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !
OCCUPATION. he doesn’t “work” -- he “helps”. he thought he was human, once -- in the spire. there he thought he was doing good by being an assassin (he wasn’t). the closest he has had to a job is being a companion to the inquisitor. CURRENT RESIDENCE. skyhold ( inquisition ). CLOSE FRIENDS. the inquisitor. because he is close to the inquisitor, whoever the inquisitor is close to, he wants to be close to. solas understands, though. varric is a good friend, too. dorian is nice. iron bull tries to understand. cassandra changes. she has faith. all of them are good. ( vivienne makes him pause, mouth thinned ). RELATIONSHIP STATUS. single. later, when becoming human, he romances the bard. FINANCIAL STATUS. money is a strange concept to cole. he never had to eat, or drink, or use money for the usual things. if he needed something, he would make them forget. now that he can’t, he lives off of just what he needs. DRIVER’S LICENSE. n/a. though in a more modern verse, i think cars would make him uncomfortable. CRIMINAL RECORD. he has killed, and will kill again. he does not condone what he did in the spire. if he becomes as he was, he would rather die. otherwise, he does his best to help. if people see him as a demon, and consider that to be punishable, he has no objection -- though he doesn’t agree. he’s cole, not a demon. VICES. overshares. not of his own pain, but others’ pain. he’s not good at social cues. not good at learning to be ... human, though he is trying, learning.
𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !
SEXUAL ORIENTATION. asexual / developing bisexual. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION. panromantic. PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch. PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch. LIBIDO. low to moderately low. TURN ON’S. kindness, empathy. a beautiful heart. TURN OFF’S. wanting to harm. LOVE LANGUAGE. learning your name. nicknames, descriptions, they’re placeholders. a name makes someone more memorable, more real. if he cares about you, he cares about everyone you care about. he wants to be friends with your friends. he wants to help, more insistently; wants to help more than just the loudest pains. he’s less hesitant with touching, less reactive and fearful when being touched. gentle, outreaching, and more vocal about what he wants or feels. he trusts, so less hiding. more sustained eye-contact. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. he’s just there to help, and he’s happy / contented if the person he loves / cares for is helping, too. that’s it.
𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 !
CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. i’m bad at this, but i do like humming, like on my blog. like a mother’s humming. HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. people-watching, helping anywhere he can. MENTAL ILLNESSES. n/a. PHYSICAL ILLNESSES. n/a. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. right brained. FEARS. falling into despair / hurting innocents. SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. he’s never paid much attention to it. self-assured. medium. VULNERABILITIES. despite a spirit made something like a human, he can still bleed, still be killed. he can be overwhelmed by people’s pain. crowds are still much too loud.
TAGGED BY: @theharellan !!! i loved reading yours, solas is Love! thanks for tagging me TAGGING: if you aren’t chicken you’re free to say i tagged you ;)
PLACE IN SOCIETY
✖ FINANCIAL – wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty ✖ MEDICAL – fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged / deceased ✖ CLASS OR CASTE – upper / lower / middle / working / vagabond ✖ EDUCATION – qualified / unqualified / studying
FAMILY
✖ MARITAL STATUS – married, happily / married, unhappily / engaged / partnered / single / divorced / widow or widower / separated / it’s complicated ✖ CHILDREN – has child / no children / wants children / doesn’t want children / adopted children ✖ FAMILY – close with sibling / not close with siblings / has no siblings / siblings deceased / it’s complicated / close with parent/s / not close with parent/s / parent/s deceased ✖ AFFILIATION – orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by both parents / other
TRAITS & TENDENCIES
✖ disorganized / organized / in between ✖ close-minded / open-minded / in between ✖ cautious / reckless / in between ✖ patient / impatient / in between ✖ outspoken / reserved / in between ✖ leader / follower / in between ✖ sympathetic / unsympathetic / in between ✖ optimistic / pessimistic / in between ✖ hardworking / lazy / in between ✖ cultured / uncultured / in between / hell if i know? ✖ loyal / disloyal / in between ✖ faithful / unfaithful / in between
SEXUALITY & ROMANTIC INCLINATION
✖ SEXUALITY – heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual / pansexual / demisexual ✖ SEX – sex repulsed / sex neutral / sex favorable ✖ ROMANCE – romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favorable ✖ SEXUALLY – sexually adventurous / sex experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious / uninterested
ABILITIES
✖ COMBAT SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none ✖ LITERACY SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none ✖ ARTISTIC SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none ✖ TECHNICAL SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
TAGGED: @mediumkat thank you !!!
TAGGING: anyone who hasn’t done this already??