“Don’t you want to be more than just a _______?”
When I was 19 and told my mom I wanted to get married, she didn’t exactly give 2 thumbs up in response. Obviously, culturally speaking, 19 is pretty young to make a lifelong commitment, so I think most parents would have the same reaction. But her negative reaction was probably exacerbated by her own life experience: she’d gotten married for the first time while still in college, worked her butt off to put my dad through medical school, only to have him ask for a divorce at the end of that road. Having first hand experienced single motherhood left her feeling extra protective of me and my future.
At the end of a rather emotional discussion about my desire to get married, she said one sentence that struck me rather deeply. Perhaps fearing I would become a college dropout, she asked, “But don’t you want to be more than just a wife and mother?” (If you will likely never be a wife or mother, stick with me here. In fact, fill in the blank above with whatever role you play in life.) Don’t you want to be more than just a teacher? Don’t you want to be more than just a single bachelor? Don’t you want to be more than just a ____________? I was watching the first episode of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (an Amazon TV show) last week, and after Mrs. Maisel’s husband suddenly asks for a divorce, she gives a hilarious impromptu stand-up comedy performance. Afterwards, the bartender tells her that that performance should not be her last. Maisel had real talent, and she shouldn’t waste it! The closing argument for why she should pursue stand-up comedy came from this line, “Don’t you want to be remembered for something other than just being a mother?” I had this weird moment where I felt that phrase echoing through my head as my brain pulled up memories of having heard it before. And the crazy thing is, I suddenly realized it wasn’t just something I’d heard once (from my mom in an emotional moment), but rather something that echoes through pop culture and society at large. We, humanity, are obsessed with evaluating ourselves by what we do, what we have, and what relationships (not just romantic) that we are currently in. The crazy thing is, it doesn’t matter what your current Facebook “About” section boasts, even if you’re a doctor or lawyer or whatever role it is that society currently considers one of the most valuable, that role alone will not be your life’s complete legacy. Of course, at your funeral, people will likely commend your achievements, and it’s not that what you do is unimportant. But YOU are not the roles you play. Your identity is not based on what you do from sun up to sun down. Last year I might have played the role of a full-time teacher, but this year, it’s time for me to focus on motherhood. Flash-forward 18 years, and my role as a mom to my child will have decreased in intensity and changed significantly. Every role you carry, every part you play in life will change over time. If you allow the role you currently carry to be your full identity, you will face a deeper grief when change comes a knocking on the door of your life. You’ll feel like you lost yourself entirely, when in reality, it’s just time to welcome a new season and different daily routine. Instead of seeing what we do as our identity (who we are), it’s time to see what we do as a gift we give to others. You are gifted to fill roles that other people aren’t or can’t. The biggest problem with asking “Don’t you want to be more than just a _____?” is that it devalues a valuable role that someone is currently filling. When you really stop to think about it, is there anyone who left such a deep mark on you as your mother did? Would I be the same today if it weren’t for all the teachers who spent their sun ups to sun downs shaping me? Even when people fall short in a role, they still leave their mark on others because of who they are. My dad spent countless hours driving to come pick me up to spend the weekend with him, and through it I knew he really loved me, despite the fact that he was not in my life everyday. I would argue that a person’s real lifelong legacy is a summation of how well they spread faith, hope, and love. And just about every role you might play in life affords you the opportunity to do so. One of the first steps toward genuine contentment is choosing to embrace the current roles you play as valuable, unique, and ultimately temporary positions. Thank goodness that life is not one giant achievement contest that no one can ever win. And as for Mrs. Maisel, a fictitious house-wife from the 1950′s, I hope she does go on to embrace her comedic genius in the show, but not at the expense of believing her efforts as a mother are worth less. You are inherently worth more, not worthless.
Because of who you are, not because of what you have or do.