Therapist For Highly Sensitive People

Hi, I'm Tanya @ SenseWell, a Therapist here to encourage and support Highly Sensitive People (HSP's) & their Families. I'm highly sensitive too.

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Let’s talk about how much it hurts when someone you care about, someone you value, someone you love, someone you invested time into, suddenly disappears. It’s that painful moment when you discover you were unfriended on social media, or they have you on their facebook but they stopped you from viewing their newsfeed, or they’ve read your inbox messages but ignored them, or you’ve left countless voicemail or texts and they are not answered. Now lets say that you wouldn’t see them by chance, you would have had to agree to meet up and with no replies to your messages, you know that is not going to happen. Or maybe you don’t want to message them because you feel their moves have made it clear where they are at. Ouch right? I mean really ouch!

You are struck with a pain that goes right through your body. It’s the real-time pain of rejection. There is a tightening in your chest and throat and your mind is frantically goin over every detail of your last interaction. You hope you are wrong, but your gut is saying you are right, that you’ve been rejected. You are sure you are rejected because deep down there is such a strong awareness of your own shortcomings (and sometimes low self esteem too) that you think they must have reacted to you (or something you said or did) in some way, but you can’t understand what or why. Us feelings people feel a sting like this as a huge violation (at least at first anyway). It hurts really badly to feel like you’ve been dumped this way. Why? It’s simple. We feelings people really hate these situations and so we work very hard at being kind to others, even when they don’t deserve it. We are respectful. We are considerate. We would not consider cold shouldering others this way. We are more than willing to say sorry. We never meant to hurt anyone. We are willing to make amends and we are willing to take responsibility. There’s just no need to do this to us. We want to work things out. And so....when people don’t see this about us, they may walk away and not give us a chance. Dang it hurts. 

Feelings people, its okay to feel hurt, frustrated, disappointed, mad, upset....I get where you are coming from and I know this feeling. This is when we need to remember that we are people of value. That we have much compassion and empathy. That we are caring, and that we value “no harm”. We need to remember that we are human and make mistakes, but we are willing to own them and that makes us people of integrity, authenticity, people of honesty. People worthy of respect, even if others are not able to give that. If someone has walked away from us without giving us a chance to explain or make amends, they are actually the ones who have lost something here. They lost an opportunity to get closer and build more trust with one of the special unique feelings people in the world. They lost an opportunity to prove to themselves that they can solve their problems effectively. Most importantly though, is that you don’t let this devalue you. You are valuable, you are important, you do matter. You do have wonderful qualities. I believe in you. You matter to me and others in your life. I hope we find out they got busy and just forgot, but if they didn’t, let yourself hurt, then let yourself heal, then let it go. 

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People that manipulate are often scared or needy people. Don’t waste your energy disliking or disrespecting people for that, instead look inside and see the vulnerable hurting inner child that needs to learn a new way to get their needs met. We all need or want to be connected and valued its just that some people are much more obvious about it, and some people have been hurt so much in the past that they do actually desire feedback that will help them feel valued and accepted. The thing is, manipulative behaviour does hurt people. It hurts the person being manipulated, and it hurts the person who manipulates as well because it has a negative impact on the relationship. It would seem a more valuable use of your energy rather than resenting people for their struggles, to put your energy toward addressing the presence of this behaviour in your relationship. The manipulator may actually need psychological help too.  

The best response to manipulation is to expose it and work together to identify what need is present and the appropriate means for getting it addressed. Respectful assertiveness is the key! These conversations are best done in private so that the manipulator is not humiliated infront of others and they have an opportunity to respond in a positive and favourable way toward not doing that to get what they want. Often they will need assertiveness training with a therapist. Upfront, a softer approach (eg “please reconsider what you just said”) than what is written above might be helpful, and pull in the firmer, more direct and challenging statements above if the softer approach is not working.

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People who compare you to others are using the representative heuristic, which is a shortcut in the brain that compares things for similarity in order to make meaning from it in the quickest way. This means it is prone to error because it creates stereotypes that are never 100% representative of the original prototype they are meant to represent. As a result comparison of two separate individuals only has limited usefulness really. 

So, the key is to first look for the main message in the comparison -what is it that the person is objecting to here? What feature of your behaviour or thoughts or feelings is this person really reacting to? Do I need to respond to it? Do I need to take some responsibility here? Possibly yes! Maybe No! Whatever the answer, you may need to put a stop to the constant comparisons that are obscuring what the real issues are. You can try to ask the other person to give you specific examples about your behaviour rather than bring up old wounds they need to resolve. Its okay to say “I am not that person.” If you are the one comparing, please stop. It is not helpful. No two people are exactly the same. Each have their own motives and intentions. When you judge a persons character based on a negative perspective of another persons character, be prepared to face deep seated hurt and resentment from your partner as a result of your words that you will need to be dealt with and responded to if you want reconciliation. 

Comparisons are not helpful. They are a way of putting people down because the person has been pooled into the same basket of other problem people that were not resolved. It also has an air of “I give up, I can’t resolve this, you are a problem” to it, and this will not fix the issues. Focus on real and specific issues that are current instead and the relationship will go better.  

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Aggression is the responsibility of the aggressor. It is never another persons fault that someone else is being aggressive toward them. Aggressive people are reacting either from learned behaviour or from anger issues or both. Anger is from built up hurt, disappointment, shame, humiliation, fear or guilt that are running rampant all over the place and are not processed in healthy ways. Anger is not the real issue, it is aggression, which is the behavioural response to anger that causes all the problems. 

Family members will not often appreciate you suggesting that they need anger management, however if you have a good relationship with your family member and choose your timing wisely, then maybe you can suggest they talk to someone about their anger. Aggression can change to assertiveness and anger can reduce. 

The only appropriate response to aggression is assertiveness. Assertiveness will clearly state boundaries, feelings, thoughts, and request behaviour changes in a way that is not controlling, and leaves appropriate responsibility for the outcomes with the appropriate individuals. Assertiveness, asks but does not demand, and tells but does not accuse. Listening well has the effect of reducing elevation of conflict also, so if you can hear them out (even if you disagree) you have a chance of them backing off enough for you to put forward your position.

Sometimes an aggressive person is so mad that there is no point in trying to be assertive with them until they calm down. Its okay to take a time out and revisit the issue later. Some individuals are so overbearing that it is best to reduce your contact to manageable levels.  

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To be honest, it doesn’t matter why people do it, or how they came to be that way, each person is responsible for their own behaviour. There is no reason why anyone should treat someone else disrespectfully. Even if someone else is disrespectful to you, that is about them and their attitude and behaviour, it does not mean that we need to join them in being that way. When someone disrespects you, stay true to your values, respond assertively or walk away. 

If you are regularly around a disrespectful individual it is important to have boundaries around what you will and won’t tolerate and follow through if you say you will end a conversation unless they stop. If you allow them to disrespect you by not speaking up or removing yourself, then you are allowing yourself to be victimised and you share responsibility in the problem. The best solution is to tell them exactly what you dislike, ask them to stop precisely that, and then put a boundary in place around what you will do if they don’t, then follow through.  You do not have to tolerate disrespect. Just be careful that you are not taking a genuine, valid complaint about your behaviour as disrespect. People around you need to be able to complain about what you do that they dislike. You can always state that you would like them to rephrase the issue or complaint without the disrespect and attitude. 

If you yourself struggle with disrespecting others, please get some help to sort out your resentments and to deal with them in healthy, assertive ways.

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The greater the superiority that one tries to put forward about themselves, the greater the fear and insecurity they hold about being “good enough”. The truth is that every single one of us has a “not good enough” story and we learn at a young age how we can feel “good enough” through our performance and behaviour. It would be so great if we could all become awakened to the truth that we are all good enough because we are all humans that are born with innate and intrinsic value, each of us with our own gifts, strengths and weaknesses. Our achievements have no place in determining our true value. 

Sadly, many are oblivious to their labour under this unhelpful core belief. People with a strong need to be better, to be right, to be smartest, to be prettiest, to be highest achievers, are on the performance treadmill. To be honest, I feel more sorry for them than angry at them for constantly trying to push me down. I note that when I feel hurt or devalued, that is me wanting to be acknowledged and valued too. Yes, there is a level of that that is reasonable and normal to desire, but sometimes the ego needs are greater than what is healthy and come from a deeper misguided place in ourselves that believes we are fundamentally flawed in some way. It may be that self-appointed superior people are running as far away from that belief as they can.

Whatever the reason they are that way, the hardcore ones are rather unwell individuals. Relax judgment, remember you have weakness too, and release your grip on wanting them to change. Instead state your boundaries, remind them to consider others needs, be assertive in reminding them of the equality of everyone’s opinion if you can and stay away from their toxicity when its really bad.  

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People make demands all the time because we have certain expectations about what we think should happen. Expectations are understandable and normal because connectedness and relatedness to others are psychological needs that ensure our survival. Basically this means that expectations are not going anywhere anytime soon. The problem occurs when our identity becomes attached to our expectations and they need to be met for us to feel okay about ourselves. When this happens, peoples expectations can become demands. In addition, if a person was never taught assertive communication, they may have learned that being demanding is how you get your needs met. Other people may know better but have become cold of heart to the well-being of others because of their own hurts. In any case, being demanding bluntly pushes expectations forward in the hope that the world will give people the feedback/position/power or results that they “need” to fill their internal void. Setting a boundary that lets the person know their demands are inappropriate requests can be a healthy assertive approach to this issue. Highly sensitive people can make this same mistake of being bossy to control and get their own void filled. A spiritual journey can help people to relax demand making and to walk in greater acceptance of the world the way it is. It is far more peaceful to live this way as then you can also let go of judgment, control and wanting to change others. 

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Bossy people have control issues. They need to be in charge and have things go their way. If you look deeper there is a fear underneath it that some outcome will occur for them and it won’t be pleasant for them. Can you see what is really going on under there? It may be completely sub-conscious for them...observe...what is the bossiness centred around? What are they afraid will happen? Are they afraid their needs won’t be met? Are they afraid of not receiving praise/acknowledgement? Is their position or reputation at risk? What might they lose? Conversely, what do they stand to gain? Better reputation or more power and influence? More material possessions? Control over their comfort? Sometimes bossiness is about personal power needs, are they pushing for more personal power? Will it somehow add to their sense of value?

There are bossy people that have all good intentions, and can even convince themselves that they are do-gooders trying to serve everyone else. The thing is, they are probably oblivious that their bossy ways are not considered service to those they are bossing around. People lose respect for bossy people and sensitive people often don’t want to tell a bossy person they are being too bossy for fear of repercussions and push them away instead. It can leave bossy people wondering why others are reacting to them and the reactor (sensitive person) becomes the “difficult” family member for withdrawing when in reality the bossy family member is being excessively controlling and domineering.

In reality, the only healthy way to respond to bossiness is with boundary setting and letting that person know that you want to make your own decisions or look after your own needs/choices etc. Rather than just avoiding bullies, try being clear about what you expect and want. If they are stopping you from contributing, let them know that you would like to contribute and how you would like to contribute. If they resist you, ask them why and try to reach a conclusion that meets both of your needs/concerns. If they are trying to tell you what to do, let them know that its not their place to dictate. For hard core bullies, sometimes you just have to decide to spend less time with them as they are bound by their insecurities and the behaviours they use to try and appease their inner fears. Try not to judge them for that, as they are caught up in a belief system that is unhelpful and we probably have our own unhelpful beliefs too.

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Sarcasm is the most cutting form of humour because it makes a statement that is designed to criticise another person and makes an inappropriate joke out of others thoughts/beliefs/feelings/behaviour at the expense of the individuals well-being or reputation. Sarcasm is designed to try and make the bully look better than you or smarter than you and to demean you in a way that makes them clever or superior in comparison to you. A bully will tell you that sarcasm is part of their quirky sense of humour and that you should suck it up buttercup, however the reality is that sarcasm has a mean streak and at times it is used as a weapon to wound people. Okay if you made a silly mistake and we are all laughing then fine, but if you are the butt of the laughter and others (bully included) are laughing but it was serious to you then woah, that’s not nice. 

Yes, highly sensitive people can overreact to playful sarcasm that wasn’t meant to wound, so we need to be careful of that, but in general I would say that sarcasm is more often unpleasant for the recipient. It would be nice if people would tone it down and be more respectful but the reality is that a sarcastic person is more likely to put you down even more for asking them to stop. Our honesty about their unwanted comments may make our expectations clear and assertively let them know what we won’t tolerate, and this is recommended if there is resentment building over it. If you are unfortunate enough to have family that disregard your feelings on these matters, try to remember that their sarcasm is not about you, it is about them and their own insecurities or their absence of values that respect other people. If they won’t stop, choose to spend less time with them.  

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Bullies will say “you did” when you didn’t and “you are wrong” when you are right and they do this because they are desperately trying to make sure they are right and that they win the argument. If you can call them out on their falsehoods, and expect them to give you clear examples rather than generalisations then you have a chance of getting to the core of a realistic argument that can be resolved. If a bully is feeling they can’t win because you are challenging their accusations by asking for objective statements, they may either withdraw or change the subject. You don’t have to shame bullies about these behaviours, they do these things from insecurity, and any of us can act from insecurity at times. Best to let it go and just continue to ask for objectivity when this tactic rears its head. 

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Christmas and Holiday times can be extra hard for highly sensitive people that have aggressive family members. Here is a series of 10 tips for being assertive in response to the main dirty tactics that aggressive individuals will try on you. If your buttons are already pushed and you are emotional, you may not be able to do them. That’s okay, just give yourself some time out to get grounded first or try it another time. Also if your family member is likely to become extremely agitated, it may be better to just reduce the time you spend with them. If an opportunity comes up to assertively address their behaviour though and you feel you can do it, go for it. If you have not done this before, be prepared for a knee jerk negative reaction to it from them, however stand firm and in time they will come to see that this is the new you who is no longer a doormat to their dirty tactics. If for any reason this is frightening to you, please see a therapist for help to work towards assertive responses to bullies. 

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SENSEWELL FOR TWEENS 

Last year I developed a 7 hour workshop for 11-12 year olds that are highly sensitive and may be experiencing some anxiety or having difficulty managing their emotions. The Workshop is run over two 3.5 hour sessions and is made up of 10 modules that help them to embrace their sensitivity, manage their emotions, think well, respond to stress, build their resilience and strengths, develop great relationships, communicate well, protect against rejection, learn to meditate and understand how to build happiness and optimism into their lives. This course is one of a kind, you will not find it anywhere else. It specifically targets the needs of highly sensitive young people and aims to prepare them to manage their teen lives well so that they don’t become overwhelmed by depressed or anxious emotions. It is theoretical and practical and focuses on skill building. It is also delivered in a way that emphasises the amazing qualities of sensitive young people and does not paint young sensitive people as flawed, but rather as very special and unique individuals with amazing potential and purpose. It also helps parents to understand more. This course is only available face to face at present (Sydney or Central Coast), however it will be available online in the future. Email [email protected] if you are interested. 

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Most HSP’s would likely agree that they are reflective individuals. In general we seem to like to sit back at the beginning of a new year and consider what’s important to us going forward. I find it personally beneficial to think over what I want to achieve this year and take the time to value what worked well last year and consider what has not been working so well that I can leave behind. Not new years resolutions that only seem to last for five minutes, but more of a values adjustment and a review of opportunities for growth. 

This year the values I want to focus on are health, family, spirituality, creativity, legacy, environment and meaningful work. I want to make more choices that nurture those values and less choices that do not. I aim to be increasingly more present and mindful about my choices as I go through my life. Setting some goals in these areas are a way of helping me to be even more effective, however even just being mindful of these as I approach decision making can make a difference. 

Growth opportunities for me this year are in the areas of health, spirituality, family and meaningful work.In health I would like to nurture my body much better than I did last year. In spirituality I want to move to deeper levels of letting go and accepting the world as it is, dropping the struggle and entering peace. With family I want to do more with my children that is valuable and helpful for them. In meaningful work I am planning to do a brain study of highly sensitive brains this year and I hope to learn more about how our brains respond to emotive stimuli. Each of these are big and challenging opportunities for me to develop this year. 

What is important to you this year and what are your growth opportunities? I would love to hear about them. 

Warm Regards,

Tanya at SenseWell

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Six weeks ago my mother passed away unexpectedly. Without a doubt this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced emotionally. It is hard enough being highly sensitive at times as it is, however grief of someone so close adds a whole new level of challenge. I have found the words of this quote to be totally accurate in my personal experiences of late. Grief does come in waves and when they come, they feel more like a tsunami and as if I might drown in it. Inbetween those periods of complete gut-wrenching, crying, and overwhelm, I did seem to come back up a little as if I had found a life buoy to hold onto for dear life while the ocean continued to push me back and forth with the stormy sea. A feeling of heaviness settled on me that would not seem to go away and the happiness and serenity that I experienced before this feel far away and impossible to reach.  

As an highly sensitive person, and a therapist, I found this grieving process to be interesting. Of course, the first thing I noticed about my grief is that at least in the openness of the family room, I cried more often and harder than others. My grief is shared by my father and siblings, and my grief over the loss of my mum is no greater than theirs, yet I could not contain mine as well as others seemed to, generally speaking. At first, grief frequently fell out of me uncontrollably and deeply, crying from inner parts of myself that I did not know could hurt so bad and other times tears spontaneously and silently flooding my eyes and spilling over onto my cheeks, with my heart feeling totally broken. Devastated feels like a good word to describe this. I found as the days rolled on that I would try not to draw attention to my grief as I did not want to appear as though it was all about me and my grief because mine was quite visible. I would withdraw to cry often, and would wake through the night sobbing. Grief hurts so badly. 

To my total surprise, as the baby of the family, and the most sensitive one compared to my thicker-skinned siblings, perhaps the organised type too, I found myself organising and co-ordinating many aspects of the memorial service, all the while being an ear for my father who had much heaviness to share and tears to cry. I felt honoured and privileged to be a soft-hearted and safe place to fall for him during that early time in his grief. A place where he could say whatever he needed and wanted to, where he could process deeper matters of the heart. I will treasure those moments always. I needed him as much as he needed me. I noted that others played an important role in supporting my father too, bringing up old good times and trying to make us all laugh, which was nice for my dad. Making us laugh was very far from where I was within myself and so I was able to appreciate the differences between us that bought forward strength for us as a whole family unit at that time. 

Christmas has just been and gone and I could not seem to pull myself together to cope with it. The rest of the extended family determined to make it a big party, a cracker of a Christmas in mum’s honour with a full turnout. All I felt was numb, sad, and unmotivated. I delayed the Christmas decorations at home until the afternoon of Christmas eve when I started to feel guilty as the living are still here and deserve to have a good Christmas. My mum would have wanted that as she adored Christmas. After decorating, I played Christmas Carols on the piano and sang through tears as I remembered how my mum enjoyed listening. Then I cried all night long as I watched Carols by Candlelight on the TV with the family. On Christmas morning I endured an epic migraine that would take me out for the day, and boxing day too. I missed the extended family Christmas unfortunately, as the headache I had and the stress of having to do Christmas without her had gotten the better of me. I did manage a meal with my own husband and children. Although I am sure some were disappointed by this, I decided that it is okay to do what is best for me for Christmas this year.  

Its the new year now and as we all try to settle back into life, I have struggled to find my focus again. Grief has a way of reminding you what is most important: Health, Family, Spirituality. Meaningful work is important to me also, as is Creativity, Environment and Legacy so I know I will get back to those as my Mum would want that too. I just had to stop here though and acknowledge the way this knocked the wind out of my sails and caused me to stand still in the shock of it and go “what matters anymore?” I have always been good at knowing what matters, but I have let busywork get in the road of some of those important things and I know why. This year will be a time of letting go more of the things that have held me back from my even deeper peace, serenity, present moment living and acceptance. I need that and I want that. My mum would be proud of me for that too. 

I have learned so much through this time, and no doubt there will be many more lessons to come. Thank you for being here and listening. If any of you would like to share how grief has affected you as an HSP, I would love to hear about it. 

Warm Regards,

Tanya from SenseWell

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HSP Moment #8

When you get a rash because the seatbelt touched your skin as you were driving.

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HSP Moment #7

When you get a migraine because you are excited about something coming up.

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4 Reasons why it’s hard to ask for help when you’re a young highly sensitive person...

I was reflecting on just how hard it can be to reach out for help when you are a young highly sensitive person and thought I’d share my reflections with you. 

Reason 1: Embarrassment

Young highly sensitive people are sometimes told that their issues are small/insignificant and that they are being too sensitive and they need to “get a thicker skin”, “grow a pair” or “build a bridge and get over it”. Even if well intended, these kinds of comments have a way of making a young person feel there is something wrong with them and that they worry too much about things that don’t seem as important to others as they are to them. A young HSP might feel embarressed that they seem to be impacted by things more than others and might even think that they are bothering others by asking for help. 

Reason 2: Fear of Being Judged and Misunderstood

Some young highly sensitive people don’t reach out for help because they get tied up in knots about the possibility of not being understood by their helper and they agonize over how to present the issues in a way that won’t make them look bad or cause them to be judged in some way. This is a big one because the fear of being misjudged can be so intense and anxiety provoking that it can almost cause a type of paralysis where you can’t work out where to start or what to say, that is if you can even get yourself to go for help. At a minimum they may lose sleep before going to helper appointments. 

Reason 3: Fear of Rejection

Young highly sensitive people have a major fear of being rejected. It is so huge that to open up and trust is a really, really BIG deal. Getting help requires a level of vulnerability and if you have experienced rejection before in any form, and especially by a helper, then this could be a really big roadblock to getting further help. Some sensitive people are so afraid of being rejected that they can’t tell you when they felt hurt for any reason by you, and will sometimes feel hurt even when others didn’t intend to do so. Unfortunately in therapy, this might mean a young person will distance themselves from the helper and any future helpers, rather than being able to talk it over with the helper. 

Reason 4: Sense of Impossibility

If Professionals have tried to fix, cure, overcome, change, get rid of or alleviate a young sensitive person’s anxiety, they may have inadvertently reinforced a sense that there is something really wrong with them. A young sensitive person may well be left feeling that the anxiety cannot be controlled and therefore they are doomed and perhaps give up on getting help at all. 

What young highly sensitive people really need is a helper who understands the fears and struggles that they face and who won’t make them feel worse than what they are already feeling. If young people can see their trait in balance of strengths and challenges, and can learn to manage the emotional overwhelm, they can learn to work through their anxiety and experience a deep and wonderful life. Being young and sensitive does not have to be a life sentence to misery, it can be an opportunity to enjoy the best thing about you. 

Young HSP’s, can you relate to experiencing these difficulties when it comes to asking for help?