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People who say "revenge is for the weak" are the same type of people who defend horrible people, blame victims for their abuse & throw a tantrum whenever someone doesn't wanna be near others anymore.
🍄
a small reminder that...
...not every problem can be solved instantly.
...not every problem is real.
...not every problem is a roadblock.
some problems can be temporary. others can be based on our assumptions, while some can be a blessing in disguise.
take a deep breath. you've got this ✨
Do you have problems controlling your temper?
Yes, it affects my life a lot
Yes, it affects my life a little bit
Kind of, it depends on who the person is or what the situation is
No, I can control my temper a lot of the time
No, I never let myself get outwardly angry with other people
on resentment over abandonment; i am still filled with anger and it fuels me; i will choose my anger over my grief everyday. it is easier to feel
I don't know if I wanna go tomorrow. I really don't know. This school trip was a fucking disaster, from the time I had to wait for 20 minutes because the school staff were bad communicators to the time that this other autistic kid cornered me and my dad and began babbling on and on to us for at least 30 minutes (but felt more like 60) to the fact that I was soaked to the bone by the time we got home. Oh! And I went basically nonverbal because I didn't wanna talk in front of another kid, and I then had a sore right foot and a sweaty back but toughed it out because I didn't want to make a scene. Oh! And I got sweat in my eyes earlier. So today was really tough, and now I don't know if I wanna go tomorrow. But there's still more for me to say, so let me break it all down now:
First off, I was cranky because we got there and had to wait around for 20 minutes because the school staff hadn't given us permission yet to go and wander around without any other supervision. All that waiting made me antsy and impatient, and it caused me to yell at my dad in a fit of deep annoyance. So that wasn't fun. That was a really bad way to start to
Next, my dad dropped some bombshells on me when we were arguing. He told me that he'd stopped giving me an optional bonus anxiety pill (which my now retired family doctor said I could use whenever I'm really anxious and need a bonus anxiety prevention method). I can't blame my dad for forgetting, but I'd completely forgotten about it. So to hear him say it was pretty shocking.
Also, he dropped a second bombshell on me. I thought he sounded like he was going to cry, so I asked him not to cry because it might make me cry. Because I was angry at the time, it probably sounded quite aggressive. But anyways, my dad might have said in the heat of the moment that I sometimes make him want to cry. I…I really don't want to know what that says about me, because it made me feel like a monster. I think that set the tone for the remainder of the day, as that was probably stuck in my head making me feel like the worse person ever. I…I really didn't want to hear that I potentially make my dad almost cry because I'm very angry sometimes. That made me feel like a piece of shit, honestly. I really hated hearing about that one. It just made me feel bad again.
Following our argument, we both calmed down and managed to take some good photos. We walked to a photo store and got something there, but then everything begsn to go downhill again. This other kid approached us again (we saw him earlier today too) and asked to walk with us. My dad said yes, and so I began to feel very awkward. Because this kid. This kid did not shut up! He talked and talked and talked and talked! I couldn't bring myself to speak up, because I didn't want to admit that I wanted to go home when we were right in front of another kid! Even though my right feet (and weirdly mostly just my right foot) was hurting a little bit by this time, I refused to say anything and just expressed my distress through fidgeting and whimpering. My dad never picked up on it, but he was uncomfortable himself. Since he didn't want to be rude, though…well, we ended up walking with that kid for almost 20 minutes.
That kid said he was autistic too, but had no diagnosis. Weirdly, I did think he was. It didn't make me like him any more, but I did pick up on it. The minute we saw some pigeons and he spent the next five minutes rambling about pigeons, I knew he probably had something going on. I don't know if that means I can somehow sense when someone has a mental health condition similar to mine, or if it was just really easy to read that kid. Either way, that was probably the only mildly interesting thing about our very uncomfortable walk together. My dad tried to hint that we could split up, but he wouldn't do it! So I trudged on, sweating buckets and feeling deep distress. Deepest distress.
Eventually, he finally left us alone. It was around then all my stress bubbled up and manifested as a meltdown where I yelled at my dad again and almost accused him of not doing enough to help me. I apologized afterwards, of course. I have shame in me. But I was so stressed that I couldn't help myself, and I just hope my dad forgives me and doesn't take it to heart. It's just…today was a disaster. It was really, really rough.
And so now we're all caught up. I'm laying down in my bedroom now, writing all this as I listen to music. After this, I'm gonna go back and start editing a note I made slightly earlier on during the walk, and then I'll have two notes to reflect my experiences today. The pictures I got weren't bad, I don't think. But the social interactions were hellish, and I know that all of these kids are gonna be joining us on the school trip tomorrow too. And if that talkative kid keeps me and my dad company the whole time tomorrow…it's gonna be the worst two hours of my life. I mean it.
That's the plan for tomorrow, as the teachers explained it to me. We'll head out to a park for two hours and hike around for a while. We can go anywhere within reason, but we just have to make it to the bus on time. It sounds like it could be peaceful, to be in nature for a while. Or it would be peaceful; if I didn't have to deal with 20 other people (including mr talkative from today) and if I also didn't have to worry about having stomach pains or severe sweating while me and my dad are out there. It's a location at least 30 minutes to an hour outside the city, I think. That's what they've basically told us. And so if I need to go home because my stomach hurts or I'm super sweaty, I won't be able to go home. I won't be able to go home, and that thought alone panics me. Because neither me or my dad drive, we'd have to wait the two hours and leave with the bus. And I don't know if I want to take my chances. I really don't know.
My dad has a good point when he says it could be a good trip for us. It does sound nice. I can't deny the idea of the trip isn't bad. My problems come more from all the people and all the many risks that are involved in doing something like this. If it was within city limits and we could get home easy, I would agree within a heartbeat. But going outside the city and simply taking a leap of faith, hoping everything goes well…that terrifies me. That terrifies me, and now I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to disappoint my dad or myself by saying no, but I don't know if I want to take the risk. I hate risk taking. It makes me so, so nervous and stressed. Even if I do end up doing this, that stress might cloud the memory with negativity for me. I wish I could just do it under better conditions. Under my own conditions. I don't trust school field trips, seeing as I haven't had one that I actually went on since maybe grade 2 of elementary school. They're not something I'm overly enthused about, and I just don't know if that'll be any different by tomorrow morning. I don't like it. Not at all. No, no, no. So I'm just stressed, and I really don't know what to do. sigh…
Daily affirmations:
1. I'm not going to slap anyone today
2. I'm not going to let all of the rage in my body spill out at every minor inconvenience
3. I'm not gonna scream "ISTG I WILL FUCKING KMS" every time something goes wrong
