#assertiveness

[fortuneaday]

[serenityquest]

[serene-dipity]

I think I appreciate assertiveness in women so much more than in men because it feels more earned.

In heteronormative men its expected, ordinary, "default." Many of them stumbled into it blindly without a second thought and without any real challenge from the world, so they either developed a feeling of begrudging performance at best, or being entitled to it at worst. "It doesn't matter how good you are at it," the world says to them, "any wall comes down eventually if you push hard enough, just like on tv." The kind of tact needed to develop a real connection to the other person while simultaneously asserting their own desires is often absent entirely. This isn't universally true of course, but it seems so, so common.

But when a woman is assertive? That confidence was fought for every step of the way; through every push back, every dismissal, every confused or judgemental stare that said "you're not supposed to be doing this," it still perseveres. "I know what I want and I'm going to fight for it even if it seems like the entire world is against me." That's the kind of power of will that defines heroes of myth!!! How inspiring is that?? Genuinely that is the kind of actualization of self that most people can only dream of achieving.

[mountainreflections]

I want you on your hands and knees, down here with me.

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[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: 22, infj. (Diagnosed depression, anxiety, panic disorder) i’m trapped in a perspective that i want to change, but i don’t think i’m able to outthink this or change this without outside help. all experiences i have from my past are mainly negative. being ignored, shunned, unnoticed. i feel like these experiences have severely effected me, more than i am admitting. i have felt invisible, and i always felt that pain was the worst i have ever felt because when you are unimportant and ignored as a being, you feel like you’re dead while you’re alive. i have no idea how to address these experiences and successfully move on from that pain.

i want to use my ideas and knowledge to push something forward, to become close to others, to solve problems. i want to be close to others, know others. i have the control now to participate in these things but i feel a huge sense of fear. im held back by what others might think of me, and also by doing things that i “should” be doing. i reply when talked to, im kind when i need to be, i make jokes on the situations i find myself in. but i still feel passive. when i meet with professors, i’m so afraid, that i desperately google how to talk to professors so that they like you and don’t hate you. i don’t feel any passion towards the material or my own ideas because i’m so focused on not seeming pathetic to them. i try to avoid making them angry/annoyed and avoid wasting their time. i’m paranoid to the point of scanning all their words and behaviors towards me. i ruminate on what it could mean.

i think i learned that whenever i advocate for myself, whenever i struggle, whenever i am human, i get punished by the people around me. when i am speaking with a professor, if they get even slightly annoyed with my question i want to crawl into a hole a die. if i perceive any doubt they have about me and my future or my work, it gives me a horrible feeling of dread and i want to die. in every social aspect, I’m wondering “how am I being evaluated? is this right or wrong? is it okay that I did that? do people usually do that? did i just get ignored or was that normal? do they dislike me? was it just an accident? if they say something is difficult, r they saying they think i cant handle it? r they right?” I wish someone could tell me how to exist socially. Do people just do what they want and feel like doing and it gets them places? It feels like everyone is out to get me. I really want to change these thoughts and way of living and thinking.

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You seem to exhibit many signs of social anxiety disorder. Yes, there is A LOT that needs changing with your way of thinking, but I don't have the cure to mental disorders. One response from me isn't going to change a 21-year-old pattern, is it?

It's best to get professional help. If you're unsure what kind, I suggest starting with dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It is specifically designed to help you understand and manage emotional life and its impacts on interpersonal relationships. Improving your communication and conflict resolution skills should also be helpful.

INFJs often bring up the topic of social anxiety as it relates to auxiliary Fe development as well as common contributing factors like self-worth and shame, so have you read through those posts and put them into practice? There are also related book suggestions on the resources page that you can look into.

One concept that's likely to come up in therapy is attachment style. It's unfortunate that you've experienced so much invalidation and rejection from a young age. It wasn't your fault that the people around you were ill-equipped to care for you. It's perfectly understandable to develop an insecure attachment style from those past experiences.

Each one of us has an inner child that keeps playing out unresolved issues from childhood. An important part of growing up into an adult, psychologically, is being brave to address childhood issues and lay them to bed, one way or another. The first step is to become more aware of how they hold you back and use that awareness to motivate yourself to change.

The inner child is actually not very difficult to understand. Psychologically, the thing children really need is LOVE. Love means being attended to, cared for, respected, and recognized for who one really is.

When a child does not get enough love, their psychological development generally cannot continue smoothly. They get stuck in childhood in a way. As adults, whenever they face moments of insecurity, the wounded inner child comes to the fore and starts seeking for the love never received. Unfortunately, they may seek it in all the wrong ways or in all the wrong places.

For example, your relationship to a professor is a professional relationship, is it not? It is their professional duty to nurture the next generation. They are there to teach you and correct you so that you can become an expert and make positive contributions in the future. However, just because they have higher status than you in the field professionally, does it mean they are also a superior human being and ought to be granted the right to treat you as less than?

While it is important to get their approval for your work, why do you also seek their approval of you as a person? Why do you allow them to define your value or worthiness as a human being? You didn't get enough love as a kid, so now you have to go chasing love from every person you meet? Every person in the world becomes your new parent? The whole world is now sitting in judgment of you, no matter where you go or what you do?

From this childish perspective, what happens is you project your ego issues out into the world and it skews your perception of everything. For example, if someone speaks to you curtly, you immediately assume it is because they don't like you? They can't be busy, distracted, or impatient because of their own business? People with social anxiety have a very small and egocentric view of the world, so they don't consider these other possibilities.

Basically, you think everything that happens is about you or a statement about you. Someone doesn't smile, you take it to mean they don't like you. Someone doesn't respond to your message right away, you take it to mean you don't matter. Someone gives you negative feedback, you take it to mean they've rejected you.

Do you see the contradiction in making everything about you on the inside while, on the outside, making your entire existence about pleasing/placating others? You simultaneously treat yourself as the most important yet also the most worthless person in the world. It's exhausting to live in such extremes.

This is really about YOU and how you go about evaluating yourself. You are deeply afraid of people thinking poorly of you precisely because it confirms what you already fear is true. Their negative judgments wouldn't bother you otherwise. You wouldn't fear being unloved if you didn't already suspect or believe you're unlovable.

Here's the sad truth of people with low self-worth: No matter how much respect or love people show you, deep down, you won't be able to receive it until you truly believe you are deserving of it.

As a child, when people kept telling you, through their words and actions, that you were undeserving of love, you couldn't help but believe it. Children are naive and haven't yet developed the intellectual capacity to counter social conditioning. But now you are an adult, hopefully an adult with a brain, so are you going to keep believing you are undeserving, now and forever?

When you see a child being shunned or mistreated, is your first reaction that they deserve it and even join in? If you have any empathy at all, your first reaction ought to be that children are innocent and deserve protection and love. You didn't get enough love as a child but that doesn't mean you can't give it to yourself now as an adult. Just as you would try to tell an innocent mistreated child that they are deserving of love, can you tell it to yourself?

If you hope to bring peace to your inner child, do you honestly think that continuing to shun them, being your own worst critic, is the answer? No. The best way to heal the wounds of your childhood is to finally give that child what it needed all along: LOVE. You obviously have a great capacity for love, as seen in your strong drive to be a positive force in the world. Why not spare some of it for yourself first?

Can you come to believe you have just as much right to exist as everyone else and, therefore, deserve to have your needs recognized? Until you believe that, you won't be able to assert yourself in relationships. To assert and advocate for yourself, first and foremost, requires YOU to believe that you matter. Self-worth doesn't come from others approving of you; it comes from you knowing you are worthy and acting like it.

People with social anxiety tend to believe that "assertiveness" is about learning how to speak/behave in a way that is most likely to elicit a positive response. That is, they treat assertiveness as an extension of their unhealthy people-pleasing pattern. They continue to bend and twist themselves into a false image of social acceptability.

No. Assertiveness is really about understanding that all people are created equal in terms of being deserving of having their humanity respected and recognized. As long as you keep treating yourself as less than others, you basically invite others to treat you as inferior.

When you believe that you are equal to others, it is no problem for you to stand up and advocate for what you deserve, which are really just the basic things that everyone deserves. Civilized nations in this world have a bill or charter of human rights for a reason. It is meant to empower people to stand up and defend their dignity and integrity.

Advocating for yourself isn't a safe activity. It can create conflict. It can rub self-centered people the wrong way. It can certainly piss off people who were hoping to manipulate or exploit you. Assertiveness creates insecurity in relationships, which can trigger your childhood issues.

The moments in which you get triggered are when you have a momentous choice to make with regard to your personal growth: Are you going to immediately regress to childhood and believe you are unworthy of love? Or are you going to put on your adult pants and obtain the respect, care, and love you need, from the appropriate channels? Keep making the wrong choice and you end up a nobody, getting nowhere, because you've made yourself small, again and again.

Advocating for yourself can be scary. Maybe the anxiety never goes away completely, but you can learn to manage it and proceed to advocate for yourself whenever you believe with all your being that it's the right thing to do. The question is: What is it that you really believe about what you deserve? Are you willing to drop the bad beliefs that have kept you feeling so small?

Until you can expand your view of things beyond your immediate emotional comfort and safety (i.e. get past egocentrism), you won't be able to withstand being an adult. The fact is not everyone is going to like you. That is reality. And it's within everyone's right to like/dislike as they please, isn't it? I'm sure there are people you dislike, right?

If you're going to walk through the world expecting everyone to meet your desires, you're going to keep living in fear, because it is an entirely unrealistic expectation to think you can make everyone like you, or that you can one day behave "perfectly" and be beyond criticism.

Moving past egocentrism requires empathy. Empathy should coincide with auxiliary Fe development. Counterintuitively, proper empathy requires you to understand and accept the reality that other people have their own existence, separate from yours, and it's none of your business until there is a moral imperative for you to get involved.

Even if someone believes they're better than you or that you're not worthy of their time, aren't you adult enough to know better? Are you adult enough to understand that the problem actually lies with them and their icky beliefs? Are you adult enough to leave them to wallow in their own assholery and look for better connection elsewhere?

Once you can set healthy boundaries and psychologically disentangle yourself from others (i.e. establish proper independence), you'll find it's much easier for you to respect yourself and respect others in healthy balance. Have you considered that it is a form of disrespect to reduce everyone around you into a mere source of validation for your ego?

Imagine that you can see yourself and the other person as two different and separate individuals coming together, both equally deserving of respect, care, and love. Meeting on level ground, you can more easily find common ground and encourage each other to express your gifts in positive ways. This is the prerequisite for starting a healthy relationship, in every sphere of life.

[astrabear]

The tough thing about boundaries is that it’s not enough to state them, you have to enforce them.

I think some folks see “setting boundaries” as a kind of magic talisman to influence other people’s behavior. “I’ll tell you what I need or can’t accept, and you will act accordingly.” And sometimes that’s what happens, and that’s great! But if the other person disregards your stated boundaries, it doesn’t mean setting boundaries didn’t work.

Because boundaries aren’t about others’ behavior, they’re about your own. If the other person’s behavior doesn’t change, then yours has to. “Please don’t discuss [x topic] with me” is a request. “If you continue to talk about [x topic] then I will end this conversation/hang up/leave” is a boundary, which you must then enact. The point is less about stopping the other person (although that’s ideal) and more about protecting yourself. And you have to be committed to protecting yourself, because no one else will be.

You have to be so committed that you’re willing to tolerate other people being hurt or angry or uncomfortable. You have to accept that some relationships might change. You have to hold onto the idea that it’s all right for them to change, because the way they were before was hurting you, and you deserve to not be hurt. You gave them a choice: maintain a relationship or keep doing the thing that hurts you, and they chose to keep hurting you, so if the situation is now awkward or unpleasant that was because of their choice. Enforcing boundaries means deciding that if someone is going to feel bad here, it need not be always and only you.

There is no magic formula that will make other people treat you kindly and respectfully. But you can learn to treat yourself with kindness and respect. That’s what enforcing a boundary is.

[the-healing-mindset]

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This can apply more than just the romance sphere. Another person's dysfunction does not have to become your responsibility in any situation. If you notice that someone has come into your life and since then, that your life has only become more difficult and that they always want to override your boundaries, reevaluate what it is you're looking for and do not be afraid to separate yourself from the dysfuction.

[space-homosexual-the-third]

A strong woman is NOT A THREAT TO YOU.

A confident woman is NOT A THREAT TO YOU.

An assertive woman is NOT A THREAT TO YOU.

A woman with an atom bomb MAY BE A THREAT TO YOU DEPENDING ON THE SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES.