Breaking-point, deep breath, next
May I ask, what is your problem?
I mean, from the obvious fact that you are extremely gloomy right now? What’s pressing on your chest?
*sigh* I don’t think this is a conversation you want to have.
It would probably end up making you feel bad too. Or at any rate, I don’t think you have the time.
Let’s say that I’m resilient when it comes to feelings. And I have the time. So, if there is a small chance that talking about it might help, go ahead.
*silence* I mean… it’s so complicated. I don’t even think that I have either the words or the bare knowledge to tell you why I feel the way I do. But it’s definitely more than that. It’s why I am the way I am.
I don’t think anyone has perfect knowledge.
You’re right. Well… oh, gosh, this will sound so horrendous. I might be this way because I haven’t had a satisfying social interaction in a while. Or because I have no clear purpose. Or because things are just not perfect. Or that I cannot properly appreciate nor the current moment, nor the things that I have, that I have access too, that there are, period. My own natural, genetic makeup is also more or less melancholic, I’m sure, especially considering all the knowledge I gathered up along the road. Moreover, there is society. I mean, you have to be blind not to see all the glaring problems that are pervading either some or almost entire parts of the whole societal-cultural-humanistic apparatus that we have going on. And I don’t even mean individual tragedies, may they be small-scale, like family-level disagreement and argument, or large-scale, like child-abduction, child-slavery, child-labor, although I guess some of those might as well go into the collective problem category. My point is that I’m not sad because someone, somewhere is beating their wives right now. My sadness emanates from a deeper source. It’s about the people, and how they live, as a society. I hate how money permeates everything and how much brain power goes into making money, how many decisions are made solely based on how much money the result will yield. Slap businesses and countries into the mix, and you don’t even have to look further why societies are so fucked-up. Like, sure, there are nuclear weapons, and the human cost of war, but most of the dictatorships and oppressive states around the planet come down to who gets to drill for oil, who gets the raw materials, who gets to mine, who gets to get the timber, and so on, right?
But even then, how many families are there where the parents don’t know how to properly be parents and they are slowly messing up their children? And no one there to have a say in it, heck, most of the time it is not even seen. The kids grow up all fucked up, and if you’re lucky, they eventually realize how bad they had it and they vow that when they will have kids, those kids will not be subject to the same trauma-inducing events as they were. Others get lost in the system (in a system, by the way, where selfishness and fear rules) and end up as delinquents, criminals, victims of crimes, or something like that.
So, don’t get me even start on laws, and how inefficient and idiotic not just they are, but the people who make the laws, the system through which those people are elected, the people who draw up that system, and the politicians who sit at the top, not as kings used to, with real power, but as pawns put forward by a system that is so monstrous by now that no one can tell where it begins and where it ends. There are so many subdivisions that even subdivisions have subdivisions with real power, with people who make decisions on who lives and who dies, how will we allocate the parts of an allegedly “infinite” pie, and so on. Of course that the richer and more educated population manipulates the rest, and of course that the system by now is set up in a way that the disenfranchised can do fuck-all about it. No serious protest, no serious uprising is realistic in democratic countries, and even if it was, and you replaced one dude with another, then what? Half of the planet would wake up to the same old shit-show as before.
Burglaries, poverty, propaganda, arm-twisting, constant fear from a million things etc. You fear that you won’t be able to feed your kid, you fear that your kid will hit it off with the wrong crowd, you fear that a civil-war might break out, you fear that the small-scale fiscal crime that you are committing in order to be able to make a living will bite you in the ass and you will be arrested. You are afraid that pollution is rising. You are afraid that you will not have a pension by the time you get to that age. You are afraid of viruses; of sickness; of the price of medical care. You are afraid about how other people perceive you, you are afraid that you are not doing enough, you are afraid that you are failing, or will fail. You are afraid of not living up to your potential. You are afraid of getting malaria, You are afraid of the purity of the water you drink. You are afraid of superpowers waging proxy-wars all around the planet. You are afraid that your broken car will cost too much to fix. You are afraid that your girl will leave you for someone else. You are afraid of your house catching fire, you are afraid of tornadoes, tsunamis, black mold, the Illuminati, the bankers, the loan that you had to take up, you are afraid of depression, you are afraid of not living a mark, you are afraid of being forgotten, you are afraid that your dead-end job will not change for the next decade.
Now, tell me, with all this fear floating around, not to mention envy, anger, sadness, and things like that, how are we supposed to reach a higher-vibrational state? How? You tell me now, if you know, and you will give me a goddamn good reason why you had been withholding that information.
So, riddle me this, how should one feel good in these circumstances? You know what, don’t even bother, I’ll tell you the reason. You can be happy and blissful if you don’t care about all that stuff. You can be happy if you only care about yourself and your social circle, and if there are no huge problems around, you manage to put a smile on your face and convince yourself that things are alright, usually while consuming some kind of substance. That’s how you get happy in this world. That is how. If you think about all the atrocities that are happening all around the globe (well, of course, you cannot even fathom the scale on which human suffering occurs on a daily basis) you can easily develop a melancholy (at least) that soap will not wash away.
And those people who tell you exactly this as a solution? Take care of yourself, make sure that, first of all, you have close friends, and then that they are not in POW camp, or something, and make peace with the impurities and imperfections in your family relationships, just so you could be happy (oh, and don’t forget, go out and smell the flowers), those people who tell you this: fuck those people. They might not be bad people, they might genuinely mean well for you, they might believe what they say at that very moment, but you know what? Happiness is a facade. It’s a big, shiny balloon that according to our society should float above your head, no matter where you go. You know what they don’t talk about? They don’t talk about how hard it is to set up that balloon, how awful it feels when it ruptures, and finally, that someone else was taken from just so you could have your balloon. That’s what’s up, that’s life right now.
Until there is no long-lasting higher-vibrational existence, until love is the exception and not the norm, it is this ugly, smelly, marshy place where we had the chance to be born and were given a life, and yes, I might change my mind every now and then, and in those moments the Sun shines a little brighter, and the birds’ chirp seems a little nicer, but I guarantee to you, I will not be in that state for long. I am incapable of lasting love, that I know about myself. My father broke my heart, my mother broke my heart, my first love broke my heart, and yes, society also broke my heart. And then people have the audacity to resent me for not being joyful. Let me tell you, brother, it is a wretched world, from where we are standing, and unfortunately, it is just as wretched for billions of others, too. You know why it - humanity, society, law and order, civility - call it what you want - doesn’t just implode? For two main reasons. One is: humans are a tough kind. We can be slapped, hit, insulted, humiliated, ridiculed, discredited, taken advantage of, over and over again, and then again, and we will still stand up and keep going. That’s how it is. And the second reason is just as obvious. It is hope. Hope. Hope. Plain and simple. That indistinguishable little spark somewhere in the middle of your soul, that keeps telling you indefatigably that things might get better, that tomorrow might be better than today, that next year might be better than this one, that things and people and situations might get better. What do you think is the biggest motivation has been through human history? What do you think I’m sitting here now and telling you all this, without any realistic expectation that anything will improve? Because I hope. Because I have the hope that it might matter, if not now, then from now on, or maybe somewhere in the future, who really knows.
So without resulting to a long tirade of profanities to justify my current gloominess, yes, I’m grumpy, and if I truly wanted to do something about it out of thin air, I would be like the clown from the fable who, after taking off his makeup, shot himself in the head as one last act. Because let me tell you, it is incredibly hard to look and act happy when all your thoughts are screaming something against it. So, friend, that’s why I’m moody, and you know what, I don’t even want your answer, I don’t even want you pointing out that the birds are chirping, I don’t even want your sympathy, hopefully you took away one or two things from this uncalled-for check-in.
