Recently I watched a video of strangers revealing their most insecure thoughts and while they bonded over things that have been tearing themselves apart, there was not a second letter of the positive things they have been through or feel about themselves.
These are my letters. I have changed my name to remain anonymous.
A Letter To The Person I Hate:
Why are you so emotional? Do you honestly think anyone wants to be around someone who can’t seem to get her emotions in control? You cry about everything and anything, nothing seems to get better for you. Everyone you love and come in contact with will always fall on bad times. You’re a curse to everyone you love and yourself. Look at your fiance, who has had medical problems, financial problems and issues with your emotions for what seems like the entirety of your relationship. You constantly make decisions based on your fear of life. And speaking of that, you are scared of everything. You never do anything in life because you’re too scared to even walk along a fallen tree. Your family are no where to be found and that’s your fault. You push everyone away because you’re scared of screwing things up and that’s caused you to be alone. You pushed all your friends away and now watch with envy as they live their lives and you’re still stuck. You can’t move forward with your life because everything in your past is bad, so why would your future be any different? And your body? You literally have hair all over your body, it’s gross and you know that’s why your fiance doesn’t touch you much anymore. If you had half a brain, you’d just wax your stomach like you keep wanting to because NOBODY wants to see that when you go to the beach. You had a procedure that has not only left you feeling like a murderer, but makes you hate looking in the mirror. You’re disgusting for what you did. You can’t look at your brother-in-law with his kids without falling apart when they leave after a visit. You took that from your fiance. You took that from yourself. You’re guilty of that. You expect your fiance to understand you at all times but forget about his emotions and needs. You’re selfish. You don’t even know who you are anymore, you just slide through life doing what people tell you to do with no real direction for yourself. You need to get better and it’s pretty obvious that you’re either going to do nothing about it, or keep wallowing in your sad brain.
That was brutal to write, I could probably go on but now it’s time for my second letter.
A Letter To The Person I Love:
Does anyone really have any idea of the things and thoughts you’ve pulled yourself out of? How many times did you tell yourself “I’m done”, “I give up”, “I want to die”, “I can’t do this anymore”. Countless. And how many times did you keep going? Still going. There are so many people that would crumble under the weight of the things you’ve been through but you keep going. When your father decided booze was more important than his kids, you latched onto the family you had left and never looked back on the “dad” you had. You didn’t fall into his patterns, in fact you don’t drink at all.
When your step-father got cancer, you fell apart but kept it together for him and you were there for him whenever you could. You accepted him as a father long before this and that’s not something most kids could do growing up. He got through it and since then you have never been closer to him.
Your fiance went through an extremely, life changing medical emergency that could have drastically changed your life as well at the age of 18. Although things did not go badly, you still knowingly made the commitment of always being there if things did take a turn for the worst. You were basically his nurse for a couple months and he took every frustration out on you. But you stuck by his side knowing his actions and words were out of fear. Most girlfriends at that age would not have known what to do or say and probably would have left.
Now, your siblings live so far away you can’t visit them and your parents have moved 4+ hours away. The one sibling you do have living near you and the one you were closest to is not the person you thought he was, and you have since removed him from your life. You are alone in a sense that you can’t just run to your family when you need them. It’s still a struggle, and you cry a little everyday because you miss them but you’re learning to get by and not need them for everything.
You went through a procedure that has altered your perception on yourself and has caused you to feel guilt. Just know you made the right choice. For you, your fiance and your future. Know that this feeling will pass and it’s okay to mourn, even though it was your own choice. It’s okay. This was one of the toughest decisions you have ever made and nobody needs to validate it. Only you. You are a good woman still, you are still the person you were before the procedure and you will get back to her when you’re ready.
These are just some of the things you’ve been through and you’re still here. You’re still smiling and doing things you enjoy. Slow down, you don’t need to rush through this life and live up to the expectations of others. Create your own expectations of yourself because you know what you’re capable of.
