My good pal, @hooter-n-company surprised me today with this absolutely incredible piece of my resident birdy alchemist nerd, Claudius. I am consistently in awe of what an amazing artist she is and just how friggin' expressive she always manages to make Claudius, especially in such a deliciously absurd scenario. As such, I felt compelled to write a quick fic based on her drawing below. And of course, if you aren't already, do make sure to give her page a follow because she's awesome and so is her artwork. ;)
It was a long, arduous night within Claudius' laboratory. The monster alchemist was cackling like the loon he was while rigorously mixing various chemicals together...and only causing a few minor explosions.
"Alright...just a little more sulfur...a pinch of sterilized gunpowder from the castle canons...approximately two and a half tablespoons of ground up moon rocks...one tenth of a teaspoon of imitation mercury...and just a bit of ginger and cinnamon because why not..." Claudius murmured to himself as he sprinkled in various ingredients that one would swear he was just making up on the fly into a round bottom elixir glass. One would also assume at least half of those ingredients were at least SOMEWHAT toxic, but Claudius always seemed to inject so many different chemicals and rare minerals into his elixirs that those who drank them always seemed to miraculously NOT spontaneously combust...
Claudius grabbed the glass with his claws and eyed it firmly as he swirled the bottle, causing a mini vortex to form within the center of that extremely bubbly elixir. When the vortex settled and the liquids color changed, Claudius grinned widely.
"Yessssss...perfect!" Claudius cackled as he brought the bottle beneath his beak and inhaled the scent. "Mmmmm, if my calculations are correct, this will momentarily enhance the strength of anyone who ingests this elixir! Nyehahaha! Oooohhh, the King will commission HUNDREDS of bottles for his army! And Umbrak...oooohhhhh, he'll be unstoppable! And whenever he manhandles entire gangs with his bare claws? It'll be THIS elixir that'll help him do it! HAHAHAHA!!!!"
Claudius held up his violently bubbling elixir and cackled like the mad scientist he always seemed to emulate.
"Nyeheheheheeeee...ohhhh, I can just picture Umbrak now..." Claudius mused, before clearing his voice and attempting (in vein) to deepen and gruff up his voice. "Gods damn, nerd! Ya really outdid yerself! I hafta tell ya, yer truly the greatest alchemist this kingdom has ever known! And handsome too! How 'bout we start hangin' out and bein' friends, huh?" Claudius would've kept going but his impression eventually broke into a coughing fit before he cleared his throat and grinning anew. "Hehehe...yep, he'll totally wanna hangout more when he sees what this elixir can do!"
The bird monster held the elixir up to the front of his beak, getting ready to drink it down.
"Welp! No use stalling. Down the hatch!"
Without another word, Claudius dipped his head back and chugged that extremely..."intense" elixir down. His slender throat bobbed and pulsated rapidly as the little alchemist guzzled that elixir down at a rather rapid rate. He clenched his eyes shut, furrowing his brow, almost as if he was in a hurry to just get the elixir down and experience its powers.
After chugging it down, Claudius wiped his beak with his robed forearm and huffed breathlessly, before holding the empty glass bottle up and cackling like a madman.
"HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Claudius howled like a hyena. "Yessssss! YYYYEEEEEEEESSSS!!!! I can FEEL the power coursing through my body! Why, I'll finally be able to open the pickle jars without asking Umbrak for-"
*GWWUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOUUUURRRRRRBBBBLE!*
In the middle of his victorious rambling, a rather intense, gaseous gurgle burbled rather intensely from his lean stomach. Freezing in place, Claudius glanced down at his burbling middle.
"Mph, alright, a bit strong...but that's to be expected when-"
Another violent gurgle erupted from Claudius' belly. He winced, clutching his middle with one clawed hand, feeling pressure well in his bubbling gut. Shortly after, Claudius' cheeks puffed out as he just barely managed to stifle a sizable belch which reverberated behind his beak.
"Oof...distilled or not, gunpowder definitely doesn't taste great coming up..." Claudius mumbled groggily, before clutching his beak shut as another, larger belch tried to force its way up, ballooning his cheeks in the process. "Urrf...okay, that didn't feel great...b-but the cost of power, I sup-"
Before Claudius could finish, his stomach practically roared, causing it to physically quiver beneath his robes and his torso guard.
Then, in the blink of an eye, Claudius' belly inflated outward by nearly two feet. The young bird monsters' eyes practically bugged out of his skull at the sight of his bulging belly, swollen to the point where he almost looked pregnant.
It shook and quivered in place, bubbling and churning like the chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong that it was. Once again, Claudius winced and covered his beak with his free hand, feeling pressure well up in his chest and up his throat. His cheeks ballooned as a sudden rush of built up in his esophagus...
...Until his hand got blown back by the force of an absolutely MONSTROUS belch!
Claudius' eyes widened as the tonsil-abusing eructation exploded out of his maw like a chemical bomb had just gone off in the deepest depths of his poor, abused gut. The unbearably bloated alchemist gasped breathlessly, but grimaced uncomfortably as his balloon belly churned violently and noisily. Gripping the side of his ample middle with his free hand, Claudius dipped his head back and let loose another big, chemically charged belch, one so powerful that it caused his big belly to quiver in its wake.
"Gruuuhhh...oohhh gods-" was all poor Claudius could say before another HUGE burp blasted out of him, followed by another, then another, and yet another after that. All Claudius could do was stand there, desperately kneading his endlessly bubbling belly as he continued burping uncontrollably. Just one painfully larger eruption after another, none of which gave Claudius any relief or made his turbulent and inflated gut hurt any less.
Claudius spent the next few minutes burping nonstop, at no point were any of the gaseous outbursts getting any softer or less painful for the gassy bird monster. It was in moments like this where Claudius was so grateful that his laboratory was so deep underneath the castle, lest anyone hear whenever his experiments went so very, horribly wrong...
Finally, in an effort to try and force more pressure out, Claudius set the bottle down and forcefully clamped his beak shut with both clawed hands. His belly gurgled almost as loudly as his eructations as more and more gas desperately tried to force its way up Claudius' throat, but he just barely managed to swallow it all down. In response, Claudius' belly inflated even more, stretching his torso guard to its absolute limit and making him groan painfully as the gurgling grew more acidic and nauseating. For a moment, he felt like he was going to burst...
"BWWWWWRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRHHHHHOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-HOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRR-HHHHHHOOOOOOOOORRRRRAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
...Claudius' beak gaped exponentially wide open, unable to hold the torrent of gas brewing in his belly back a second longer. From his gaping maw exploded the loudest, longest, most revoltingly forceful belch that Claudius had ever let out in his entire life. It exploded out of him so aggressively that even with how deep underground he was, some part of him worried that the knights and officials in the castles above could hear it bellowing at such unholy volumes. The force of it was so monumental that Claudius would've sworn that he felt some of his beakers shake in their racks. In fact, the sheer amount of gas evacuating his gut all at once caused Claudius' belly to deflate quite noticeably as he belched...
After a staggering ten uninterrupted seconds straight, Claudius wobbled on his feet, looking absolutely dazed and winded, before a very sharp hiccup made his whole body jolt...aaaaaand sent him flopping onto his back as his big belly still towered above him, wobbling in place.
The young alchemist monster just laid there on the ground, groaning in a half-dead fashion as he slowly rubbed his bulging belly with both hands. It was still gurgling relentlessly, but it wasn't quite as violent or painful as it was prior to that tsunami of gas blasting out of Claudius' beak.
"Urrrrgh...w-well...b-back to the drawing board..." Claudius mumbled groggily, before wincing and letting out one last lengthy burp that he didn't even try holding in anymore. "...Ugh...again..."
However, as he kneaded and rubbed his deflated but still quite bloated middle, he eyed it and found himself blushing a bit.
"Mmmm...this should wear off hopefully soon...but this is quite a...unique side effect..."
The bird monster patted his big belly a few times, watching it jostle beneath his palm, before gripping his underbelly and giving it a shake. His gut sloshed quite audibly as he did so, once again making his blush a little redder.
"...Hmmm...it definitely didn't increase my strength as intended, but perhaps this could be good for incapacitating hostile forces...if I can garner similar side effects by making the elixir an airborne gas instead of a liquid...urff...s-speaking of gas..."
Claudius winced and palmed the side of his gut as a thick, raunchy belch rolled out of him, followed by a softer, longer one that left him groaning.
"Urrrf...ohhhh my tummy..." Claudius whined, rubbing his belly more gently as he did so. As it gurgled, he found himself blushing anew as a new thought entered his mind. "...H-Heh...honestly, didn't think I was even capable of belching so loudly without rupturing my vocal chords...j-j-just imagine if Umbrak gave this concoction a try...h-heh...pretty sure he'd bring the whole castle down..."
The thought caused the bird monster's face to go cherry red as he wiped sweat from his brow.
"I mean...thankfully, I already tested the elixir myself, s-so, there's no need for a second trial run.........of course, I didn't write anything down either, soooooooo..."
In alchemy, there was always a lot of trial and error...in Claudius' case, a LOT of errors, so he was always good at finding silver linings whenever he could...
...In THIS case, however...he might have just created liquid gold...for him at any rate...
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