sequard

cool. cool cool cool.

[sequard]

Re-watched NANA and have been obsessing over Vivienne Westwood ever since.

Anyways, I recently gave my first big conference talk last month! And generally had my most productive year in grad school yet! Feels nice to celebrate with this new necklace :-)

[sequard]

a girl in my phd program took her own life a couple of weeks ago. have been deeply thinking about how limited time and life is. nothing too surprising, just facing my mortality, i guess. especially since my 28th is around the corner. (i have been on this site for over a decade! wild!)

i cried earlier today about how someday i'll think my last thought and feel my last feeling and say my last words.

in my preteen years all i wanted was to be older. older and hotter and smarter and richer and, perhaps most of all, in love.

my partner held me as i cried into their arms. i told them that at least my dream came true: i am thankful i get to experience this kind of love and to be loved in my lifetime.

i don't want to take them for granted. i don't want to take this life for granted.

i want to live a life i feel proud of, energized by. i want to finally be the person i want to be with the time i have. and i don't want to stop there, i do not want to simply become. i wanna be lived in.

[bryqe]

✧ oh paradise kiss … you’ll live in me forever ✩

thank u ai yazawa ♡︎

[silversoulsociety]

NANA (2006)

[sequard]

rewatched this recently. this definitely hit differently than when i watched it in ~high school.

[silverformymonsters]

Astarion | High Elf | Rogue | Vampire Spawn

[sequard]

my latest video game obsession is bg3, purely because of astarion and his VA <3

[sequard]

God, I could try To be the one To be the one I'll tear down the sky What do you want? I'll do it all for life

[sequard]

waow waow waow if i couldn't get any more vain

[sequard]

gave a lecture today! i finally get to be done TAing in a couple more weeks. then i can be free to just focus on research and dissertation!

idk why but i liked this capture of me from the lecture recording. was taken post-lecture when an undergrad went up to me with questions

[sequard]

:-)

[sequard]

3 months on lexapro

today i presented on a new project i'm excited about in lab meeting and it went super well. think it's the best presentation i have had? was a little nervous because everyone loved my previous project, so was dealing with nerves around presenting something only i thought was worthwhile. also just so refreshing and relieving to think about something new

for some reason i can't eat anything prior to presenting. too nervous. only had 1.25 cups of matcha latte and a few bites of instant pho ramen prior to giving my talk

3ish more years of this phd left. time to come up with a plan to ensure i can graduate when i want to while still accomplishing what i want to accomplish. it occurred to me that i finally feel on track to learning what i wanted to learn through this experience

only took antidepressants and a quarter of soul-searching (!)

i love being a cat mom

recently started this lyra workshop and loving it. feel like i am rediscovering a part of myself. haven't trained seriously since 2018! oof. a real circus place opened up near where i went to college, and i managed to book a private lesson for when i will be in town for my reunion. so stoked!

oh i have skunk hair now and i feel like it really suits me

i want a neotribal tattoo someday

i feel genuinely excited and have things to look forward to now

[sequard]

how humbling it is to be a washed-up performer and have to go through the dilemma of signing up for classes and not knowing what level to sign up for because, again, being washed up, i have muscle memory but 0 of the strength i used to have

[oflosechesters]

He’s far stronger than we ever could’ve imagined. ↳ DEVIL MAY CRY V  /  PROLOGUE

[sequard]

my latest obsession is playing as v in dmc5

[sequard]

also an addendum to my last post: when i told them how long I've been feeling this way and said "several months" (it's actually more like 1.5 yrs but was in denial about it), they were like, "oh yeah... typically we look for symptoms that persist beyond 2 weeks" 🤡

you mean being so sad and wanting to not be here anymore isn't something i should be feeling for longer than 2 weeks... ???

[sequard]

today marks the third week of being on antidepressants!

and honestly, i feel so stable and as though i can't cry anymore. though my partner and i completed the game <<it takes two>> and i got so in my feels that it made me tear up, so actually yes, thankfully i can still cry and i'm not completely numb (or at least not yet). anyway, the most notable change at this point is that i sleep more continuously and don't seem to linger on things as much (perhaps less rumination/more impulsivity) and my dreams are SO VIVID that i often wake up with my heart beating relatively fast from it.

also, i've known for a long time, since i was in middle school probably, that i was prone to depressive episodes but every time i would manage to get through those rough patches, and would simply ignore everything that happened. the past several months (arguably 1.5 yrs) have been particularly rough, and somehow being told an official diagnosis by a professional for the first time really felt so cathartic. again, have been feeling this way for so, so long that i can't imagine not feeling this way or going through life any other way.

[sequard]

:-)

[weltenwellen]

Franny Choi, from “Catastrophe is Next to Godliness”

[sequard]

i'm sad because i miss the person i used to be a few years ago. who was she? where is she now? and i'm sad at the possibility that our environment shapes us more than we like to admit. so now that i'm here, somewhere new, that old me can't be found again. and i'm frustrated that i have to reinvent or resurrect parts of myself to survive and to thrive like i used to. yeah, that's what it is. so then now what? accept who i am currently in this new place when i'm not sure i even like who this is?