I gave this to Troy and had him read it and of course he took it out of context and misunderstood me. He seemed to interpret this as an ultimatum of some sort and he drafted me a letter where he was going to break up with me, although it was according to him something he was processing and unsure of.
I am seeing a pattern of you prioritizing acting on compulsions and fantasies over agreements in our relationship. This undermines our relationship and my security in it. I have been incredibly gracious, forgiving, and patient. You have broken agreements and you disrespected me. You have browsed escorts, you have been watching porn, you have been using dating apps without me and swiping around and this is not the first time. I do my best to be understanding, especially because of my awareness and concern of your guilt and shame struggles. However, you have made these conscious decisions and attempted to justify them. I feel some lack of accountability there. You are not in control if you are actively making these decisions. You are not in control of your impulses.
In addition to acting on these compulsions, you are romanticizing them as solutions to your commitment issues and trauma as well as your general inability to find peace and satisfaction in any one life partner. You claim you will likely eventually resent me and act out anyway if not given consent as you have done in the past and have shopped around to do in our relationship. You have also said you have acted out these poor decisions out of desperation for this exact reason of dissatisfaction or resentment. This situation has to me begun to feel like addiction enablement in many ways. I feel as though you are essentially asking me to partake in “substance abuse” with you at a controlled dosage until you can be trusted to fully indulge again, or until I’m willing to fully indulge with you. You have framed all of these feelings and behaviors as a need, not a choice. You appear to have decided this is just who you are to some degree “while you work on it”. You are asking me to do this as a way to meet in the middle, but then I think about how an alcoholic cannot just keep having a drink here and there “while they work on it”. Indulging even a little in an addiction feeds the compulsion, not the person. It does not make you feel whole, it doesn’t fill the void you feel, it perpetuates it. The compulsions become stronger. Compulsions cannot be controlled with moderate exploration. It is conflicting for me to participate in something that feels like enablement for you. I want nothing more than to for both you and I to be happy, but I do not feel in total agreeance with feeding the beast.
As we have discussed together and with your therapist, your mind is wired for novelty and dopamine. Polyamory/ENM is not simply a lifestyle choice for someone in your circumstance, it is a way to keep feeding your addiction to the dopamine rush, to avoid commitment or the fear of it, and cope with fluctuating satisfaction. These “uncontrollable desires” as you put them, are not more important than the safety and trust of our relationship. There is not enough room in this relationship for both me and these addictions as they are. I need respect, commitment, safety, security. Additionally, I feel that the decisions you have made, the lying, the sneaking, breaking your word to me, are not symbols of someone who is ready for exploration or a secure foundation of a relationship that allows one to do so.
I’m not exactly sure what the solution is here, but what I do know is that I will not be disrespected, lied to, or have my boundaries crossed. I will not be manipulated over time into a “have your cake and eat it too” situation that exists to serve you. I need to be a priority and my feelings need to be a priority always, not just when it’s convenient. I love you too much to simply enable you, but I also love myself too much to stay in a relationship that doesn’t prioritize my needs and safety. I’m committed to us, but not at the cost of my well-being. I love myself and respect myself too much to allow mistreatment and also too much to throw away someone who means so much to me, especially without looking for a solution. I think we both need to discuss this in therapy from a professional third-party to advise us on what the healthiest course of action is for us both. I’m proud of you for all you have done thus far, all the work you have done on yourself and I’m proud of us for everything we have worked on in this relationship. I’m grateful for every day we each choose to stay and choose each other. This beautiful bond deserves better than to be undermined or uprooted.
stormborns
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
kaledo-art
andulkaphoto
titsay
