Hyperbole and a Half Sentence Starters
â I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to be a productive member of society.â
âYou have no idea how much this would mean to me. I hate pants.â
âTry to use their nostalgia and insecurity over their broken dreams to get them on your side.â
âI wanted to tell you again that I am completely serious, just in case you didnât believe me.â
âI was a little offended that he had so grossly underestimated my ability to accurately assess pain.â
âMy body doesnât seem to understand that the antibiotics are on its side.â
âOkay then, if you donât want to fail, I would suggest not dying.  Nobody wins if you die.âÂ
âIf you are one of those people who is diametrically opposed to change, I am sincerely sorry.â
âI am now somewhat competent to oblige your wishes.â
âRaw stupidity coupled with an unrelenting devotion to my olympic pipe-dream got me out the door.â
âIf only I had known what a fickle stroke of luck this was.â
âOnly after my hydration status had returned to normal could I see the error of my judgement.â
âWhen someone who looks like a character from a horror flick asks you to do something, you donât ask questions.â
âWell, if you ever wondered, calling Poison Control is not nearly as fun as youâd think it would be.â Â
"No _____, I donât think you are going to die. Â You might throw up, though."Â
âAt 6:00 AM, this kind of behavior is alarming and unnecessary.â
âAre you high? Why would I want you to do that?â
âLetâs just say that if my account balance was a pile of rocks, I would not have a very big pile of rocks.â
â My moral standards get a little hazy when I am facing this kind of deprivation.â
âI didnât even mind that I was sitting on a weekâs worth of Burger King wrappers.â
âThis was completely unnecessary and awkward, but I admired your chivalry.â
âBecause of your bravery and quick, instinctive action, I hereby grant you 400 full repetitions of the chorus to "Yellow Submarineâ free from my judgement.â
âI am not saying this to be mean, but you seriously sound like a cross between a fog horn and a chainsaw.â
âYou smelled like beer-sweat and failure.â
âWhy is it that I always rely on old-timer expressions to avoid awkward moments?â
âI used the spatula to scrape off the worst of the mess. It didnât really work. I just destroyed the spatula too.â
âIf I tilted my head just right, I couldnât even tell that it was irreparably damaged.â
âSadly, all the ingenuity in the world cannot make up for a total lack of foresight.â
âIt was a quadruple-dog dare. Â I didnât want to look like a coward.â
âMy best efforts at attractiveness only succeeded at making me look vaguely like something youâd see in Cirque de Soleil.â
âI feel thoroughly confident that I have already experienced the rock-bottom of my life.â
â The ridiculousness of it all is overwhelming.â
âAs an __-year-old, I had not yet fully grasped the concept of mortality or how my actions could increase or decrease my likelihood of experiencing it.â