chaos, creativity and a sacred space.
i was talking with my boyfriend the other day about how i'm excited to have my room in order so i can start creating again. he responded by saying that sometimes the most creative things happen in chaos and to take advantage of it. i thought about that and i definitely believe it. i believe that a certain length and time of chaos is necessary, even good for the growth of a person - i hesitate to use the word "progress" (I hate the word), so rather, creativity. something to disrupt your everyday and shake you from your routine. it can be so life-giving and usually life-changing.
however, in light of the fact that I have been roomless for over two months now (and before then i shared a room for a whole year, and actually every year since about 7 years back), i have been feeling a little out of my mind and experiencing what could be called an "identity crisis" (for what seems like the umpteenth time and I'm beginning to catch on that this is one of life's favorite recurring themes and i'm intrigued to know what my 80 year old identity crisis will look like...probably much cooler).
i have taken some advantage from the chaos, as he suggested, when i first moved back from chicago last month after taking a little haitus back to the homeland in california toying with the idea of living there again, and decided to return back to the complex city of chicago. a month ago, i felt refreshed by my nomadic state, wrote some songs, wrote some words, felt invigorated. but then as i was looking for a place to have my own space, my own room...the chaos's friendly jolting that was fun and even stimulating starting rising, not fast, but steadily. and i was so distracted by enjoying my decision to stay that i didn't realize i was limiting the amount of air i was breathing. every place i applied to for a room didn't work out (i also had pretty specific regulations on location and pricing). but it just became exhausting so i didn't even think about it anymore. until i realized i was floating from couch to bed in different places and just wasn't myself. there was no reference for myself - no checkpoint because all of my stuff had been stored for so long in so many different places. i started a new relationship at the same time, too, so that's a scary thing. luckily i've had enough experience being ungrounded that i don't lose my whole identity in something, but sitting right here right now and starting to build my own room again, i realize that there are important parts of me that need to be nurtured and flourishing to be a better friend, sister, partner, person.
and as with everything, i see the small, insignificant pattern of that in the microcosm of myself and see it connected to the grand scheme of our human existence, order and relationships.
these small things that happen to me help me understand and sympathize for the way things work in the gears of this planet. i'm reminded of what my community art professor said off handedly to us one time as us suburbanites traveled through one of our ventures into the city of chicago visiting an arts/non-profit organization - "chaos destroys destinies". i forget which book she was quoting, but it was definitely dealing with the inner-city child, a population that grows up not knowing what it's like to not live in chaos.
seeing how much turmoil i go through internally when i don't have even a small space to call my own (evidence that i just need a small space of my own: i am currently converting the walk-in pantry in the house i've been staying in into my room and feel just buzzed all over with the prospect of it being mine), illuminates the reality that we need a place where we belong and that we have an order over - even if it's a shared communal space that's truly a healthy communal space. to know that we have complete power over something (not malicious, manipulative power) is essential to human flourishing.
and this, of course, takes it back to the four principles of human flourishing: power, belonging, fun and freedom, having your own space embodies all of these.
power - in calling the shots as to how you're going to utilize the room - no one else overriding your desires (again, in a minute way, not a way that perpetuates dominance and hierarchy). belonging - it is your space and you know where things are and it knows where you are. your bed knows your shape and frame and waits for you to come home at night or crash in the middle of the day after an early shift. when there is chaos all around you and you feel isolated, it is your space to retreat to where you belong and can gather your thoughts without the overwhelming feeling of outside pressure. it is your place of regaining your identity. fun - i would say is almost the other side of belonging - where you regain your identity, fun shapes your identity. you try new stuff out - a new image on the wall, a new organization, a new perspective if you re-arrange it. fun is the momentum, the freshness that reinvigorates your soul. and finally, freedom - you can come and go whenever you please. and that's the thing, isn't it? that you have access to it when you desire. and don't have to go to it when you don't want to. you have freedom over the choices of how to use it. and how to invite others into it - or keep others out.
it is the ultimate sacred space - the space where chaos is banned from entering. where chaos must knock first before being let in.
because the thing with chaos being a prolonged, unwanted guest in your habitat (of physical space or mind) is that all the energies contained within a person are then exerted just to do the daily things - the picking up of clothes, the cooking, the errand running, the bill paying - and once all these things are done, there is no energy left for creativity. there isn't even energy to truly brush one's teeth and enjoy the sheets on one's bed. there is a mindlessness that pervades and consumes and eventually the ego is the driving force. and we all know how well that goes.
i am aware that not everyone has access to this physical private space. i am overwhelmingly aware. and that's actually why i'm more concerned with the importance of it - not so i can just claim it for myself, but to hopefully, in whatever small ways i can, promote the accessibility of small private spaces in whatever opportunities arise. and perhaps when a physical private space is unavailable, to think about how to nest an inner private space that ultimately no one can take away. and isn't that the thing? because no physical private space is ever guaranteed - it can be taken away at any moment. just ask a refugee from a war torn country. or a little girl who was forced to leave her first very own newly furnished bedroom because mom had to take her away from dad.
so we construct these spaces for ourselves though, not to be isolating (the devastating danger of becoming too possessive and obsessed with your own space) - but rather to be able to be energized to go out be a part of the community and if you so chose, invite others in.
so i'll continue making my little space in the pantry (though i've received many sad looks of pity and even fear from myself that maybe i'm not an adult if i live in a pantry), but I do not feel i should be pitied. I feel privileged. i have a beautiful space to call my own and to do with whatever i will. to sleep in, dream in, write in, watch netflix in. and then go out refreshed because i know i have that place to go back to.
but even if that place were to become devastated, i hope i am also growing simultaneously, the inner sacred space within me.
izzy806
ellievsbear
romaincrisis
titsay
origamiaround
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
