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I just cracked one of my small hand mirrors by accident and thought ‘omg no that’s bad luck!’ But then I was like ‘that’s silly, I make my own luck’

10 mins later I get a mini roll out of a multipack of them (which was fully wrapped up) open it and take a bite, I look down and see about 10/15 ants crawling around ON THE MINI ROLL

I mean we do have problems with ants in our flat on a yearly basis around this time but it was a fully sealed packet…what the hell 🤢

Also I quickly spat it out but I deffo consumed at least one ant because I spat it out and now my skin is crawling and I don’t want to eat anything else!

Day 4 - Sertaline is no joke, I keep getting a really tight jaw and I’m exhausted. Whilst symptoms are mild and manageable it’s going to be a while until I feel the benefits and every day is something different to tackle

I’m really hoping I adjust to this sooner rather than later

Draft from yesterday that didn’t post:

Day 3 of Sertraline : feeling much clearer and ‘normal’ with the exception of a strange tight throat that makes swallowing feel odd. I had an anxiety attack half way through eating my roast dinner yesterday as I felt like my stomach wasn’t settling and it triggered my emetophobia

I’m also on omeprazole so it may be due to that but it’s nothing compared to the constant burning stomach I’ve had on and off since Christmas and the low mood and anxiety I’ve battled forever. It seems to be going ok so fingers crossed 🤞🏻 I know I have a long way to go.

We got a letter today saying that on Wednesday there will be three estate agents coming over to do a sales evaluation on our flat. They said it won’t affect our current contract but I’m really hoping we can stay living here past that as our place is really decently priced and everywhere else tends to be £300/£400 a month more than where we are now 🙁

Anyway I have spend the last 90mins tidying/cleaning and I’ve only done 2 rooms out of 5 (6 if I also count the garden). Ugh I didn’t really need this right now

Day two on sertraline, I’m not feeling as foggy headed as yesterday but still pretty tired and want to be in bed all day.

My friend messaged to ask how I was doing as I told her I was starting sertraline and I’m not sure how to answer that as I’m very up and down with it but thankful that so far I’ve been able to cope ok with any side effects. The great thing about anxiety (sarcasm, obviously!) is that I hate taking medication because I worry about the effects it will have.

I managed to go into town yesterday with D next to me supporting me which I was quite proud of. We needed to buy some bits for our holiday in a few weeks and I struggle with emetophobia so being in public around big crowds whist not feeling great was an achievement for me in itself.

I woke up feeling very anxious which I’ve heard is pretty normal (it tends to make anxiety worse before it gets better) but that might also be because I feel a bit nauseous and I tend to panic when I do.

Day one on sertraline and my head is a bit spacey/woozy and all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep but I also feel strangely happy and energised this morning ( took it last night before bed)

I got up to feed the cat and I was walking around my kitchen singing and feeling silly when I’m usually grumpy as hell

Just spoke to a Dr about my stomach issues and I’ve been prescribed omeprazole and sertraline which I am happy about to be honest. I’ve been struggling with stomach issues and anxiety for over 10 years and used to be on citalopram which really helped but I came off as I was ‘better’ a few years ago

Something that annoyed me was that the Dr said to me that I ‘don’t seem very anxious’ when I’m sitting here shaking. I had to explain I’m just very good at hiding it/masking but he certainly did fight me a bit until he agreed to put me on sertraline.

I don’t always like being on medication but in some cases it is needed and I’ve tried counselling, mindfulness etc so I’m not just jumping straight to medicating

Struggling with painful stomach issues again so I’m back to the drs later this week. D bought me a Jelly Cat Moon teddy and I love it, cheers me up when I’m in horrible pain. I mean look how cute ☺️

The last time I travelled off the island I live on was October 2019 and in 4 weeks time I will be going on a plane to London and then a train to Disneyland Paris. I am overwhelmed, anxious and excited. It’s a trip I booked on a complete whim ages and ages ago thinking we might not go and now it’s almost here and we are doing it.

We were meant to travel to England last summer to see D’s family etc but we got covid instead and it was gutting so I’m quite anxious that something might go wrong but I’m trying to be positive!

I get quite bad anticipation anxiety (so much that my stomach was in bits in the run up to Christmas) which causes ibs and triggers my emetophobia so this is a really big step out of comfort zone. I used to travel all the time and then covid happened I think it hasn’t helped my anxiety at all.

Woke up from an anxiety dream this morning where I went into the office in my pyjamas and I didn’t notice until I was sat there with everyone looking at me. Now I’m getting ready to go into the office and that image is stuck in my head.

Sometimes with work I get so easily overwhelmed it’s like my brain panics that I’m busy and can’t cope so I have to fight with it to get anything done. I’m not even that busy, but I came back off a week long holiday and we haven’t been a full team due to sickness/hols until today so it’s been a lot. Last night I had the worst tension headache and I’m just not coping well, I dread to think the effect my stress levels have on my body. Fingers crossed tomorrow will be better, this is only temporary is what I tell myself.

Halfway through my week off and I’ve completely worn myself out.

First the internet stopped working because our cat had chewed through the power cable. So we had to go buy a new one but I was worried incase we couldn’t find the right one

Then we had a flat inspection so we have both been cleaning the flat top to bottom on both Monday & Tuesday and taking loads of bits to charity shops

Now it’s D’s bday tomorrow so after the inspection, a food shop, wrapping presents, playing with the hyper cat and a nap, I’ve just baked some banoffee cupcakes

I then started cooking tea and just started overheating and flagging, it’s nearly 9pm and I have barely started cooking when D stopped me and took over so I could sit down.

When did a week off mean being super busy?! like I just wanted to chill and I feel so overwhelmed. I wanted to try and meet my friend I haven’t seen for ages and maybe do some crafty bits and start Christmas shopping but I already have plans for the rest of the week and I’m not living in the moment and enjoying being off work

Plus on Saturday I have agreed to go over to my mums to sort out the last few boxes of my stuff I have at her house she is selling and my relationship with my family is generally rocky and not fun

I need a holiday from my holiday!

Tell me your family is terrible with empathy/emotions without telling me.

P.S They wanted me to get over our last arguments which hapenned because I was annoyed/upset at their actions and expressed that in a none blaming way and they responded defensively. Neither of them have showed me any compassion or desire to change anything. Then all of a sudden we are meant to play happy families at a meal and I just couldn’t face putting a brave face on and ignoring my feelings.

My ear has been blocked up for a few days and I have a drs appointment tomorrow to get it checked out

I often get ear infections and they make me feel so terrible so I’m nervous it’s going to progress into an infection when I already feel really yucky.

I don’t quite feel Ill enough to have time off work because I can just wfh but also I feel like I need sleep/rest but if I take time off I’ll feel so guilty it’s not fun

I guess I’ll see how my appointment goes in the morning and decide if I can manage going back to work or if I just need to sleep

I’m also going to ask if I should come off the mini pill to see if it improves my mental health/depression as yesterday I remembered how badly the combined pill affected me mentally and this year I’ve been so low it’s worth ruling it out

fairycosmos

crazy how much ppl do not care that you are literally losing your mind if you are a quiet woman who doesn’t inconvenience others much

fairycosmos

had a snack and realized this sounds very jokerfied but i am literally right

So I just had a stupid argument because D made me think he was treating me to a relaxing evening by saying he would cook tonight. Oh well except 20 mins in he kept nagging me to get up and do some washing up.

Like usually one of us will wash up and one will cook (or I do both by myself) but I thought he was being nice so I could chill as I’ve been non stop busy and I complained I couldn’t go on a game as I need to start cooking and he said ‘you go on a game, I will cook’.

I swear every time he cooks he has to involve me so I might as well have just bloody cooked tea myself!

So anyway when he started pushing me to wash up I joked that maybe I’ll wash up in a bit ( like whatever I’m not washing up) and he then sits down and says ‘oh I can’t cook yet then as I need a couple of bits washed up’

LIKE ARE YOU THAT PETTY THAT YOU COULDN’T WASH UP THOSE TWO ITEMS SO THAT YOU COULD COOK?!?

Anyway I got really pissed off and we argued and then he started the whole shouting at me ‘because I never listen’ and I said ‘oh we are on that again are we….’ (because he always steers every argument to the fact that I talk over him or never listen which isn’t always true)

I explained to him, you are literally talking to me now telling me that you can never get a word in so I don’t know what you mean by saying you don’t get to speak lol

Anyway he got frustrated and his pain flared up so he basically gave up on trying to let me explain how I felt and went to vape and I said ‘you know what, now I’m even more stressed and my night is ruined and I have to go into the office tomorrow so I’m going to bed and I don’t want tea’

God I’m going to be so hungry

Thought I would share on here the cool AI created artwork from the minds of myself and D as I enjoyed thinking of prompts and some came out so cool/pretty!

#midjourney #ai artwork

I had a dentist appointment booked for tomorrow as when I had my check up a couple of weeks ago, one of my previous fillings showed decay underneath on the X-ray so my dentist was like ‘yeah we need to take out the filling, clean it and re do’

He booked me in on his side and then when you go to the receptionist at the front they confirm it. Well for some reason I booked a morning appointment and didn’t really consider how future me would feel as afterwards I decided I really didn’t want a morning appointment as I’ll have to go back to work after it with a numb mouth

I also really don’t feel in the mood to face a 40 min appointment this week and I do get quite anxious about them so to face them I need to be feeling at least slightly brave. I’ve rebooked for the 19th to give me time to forget about it and then gear myself up for it again 😆

Oh and did I mention for a clean and my filling it will be around £215 😩 the dentist prices here are obscene

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