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Letting Go//a manifesto

Letting go. Here is my manifesto - my decision and commitment to be the very best me. I'm letting go of comparison and insecurity. I'm letting go of pride and fear. I'm letting go of the need to please. I'm letting go of the need to control. I'm letting go of the need to manipulate. I'm letting go of shame in all its forms. I'm letting go of the need to protect and guard myself. I'm letting go of the need and desire to be anything or anyone but me. I'm letting go of all these things that, in Christ, are already fading away. And I'm embracing love. I'm embracing faith. I'm embracing joy and a life on fire for the real thing. I'm letting go of the need to know and to understand everything. I'm embracing confidence and rest. Letting go. Being free. Being me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

april showers bring may flowers

April has been a funky month. So much spiritual dizziness and fog. I've had a hard time knowing which way is up and forward. And fear, self-doubt, and loneliness have been my companions. It's been miserable. But God has been faithfully at work and I'm starting to see that the rainy season has been watering seeds that He planted, and that I asked for, a long time ago.

As May is nearing, I can feel the sprouts of mission, community, and passionate purpose finally breaking the surface and I'm so thankful for those dark, rainy moments. God is good. No matter how things are going and how bad the circumstances seem, his goodness is always my landing place.

Some things never change.

May flowers - grow, grow, grow!

Breakthrough moment: I've stopped praying for God to solve my problems and started praying for him to just be with me in them. I'm finding his presence to be way more satisfying than his problem-solving. Jesus, you can sleep on my boat anytime. As long as we're together, I know we'll make it to the other side. Stormy day snuggles with the King. :)

perfectly filtered

I was in a conversation a few weeks ago in which a woman that I know was considering starting an Instagram movement called "My Not-So-Perfect Life." I love the idea. I'm a dreamer. A huge one. I spend most of my time thinking about things should be or how they could be better. But these completely unrealistic standards have started negatively affecting some of the really important parts of my life. And that's, well...that's a problem. And then it dawned on me. As I scrolled through Facebook and Instagram like I do everything morning, I realized at least one part of the problem. I read Facebook posts and Insta pictures of everyone's perfectly described, perfectly framed, and perhaps most significantly, perfectly FILTERED life. And that's all we see of each other on our primary mode of "connection" these days. Perfection. There it is. False expectations set - and I begin spending too much time complaining about my not-so-perfect-but-pretty-good-life because it doesn't look like the perfect life I've dreamed of. And because it doesn't look like everyone else's perfect life around me. And the newsflash for me today is that perfection doesn't exist. There are no perfect days or perfect plans or perfect people. There are no perfect schedules, perfect fixes, or perfect organization schemes. It's all good and valuable at best. Perfection is not to be seen. And to pursue it leaves you wanting. So...there's my grand revelation. The dramatic side of me is tempted to delete my Instagram. And I may do that for a season. I could use a break from the standards I find myself trying to live up to. Maybe if I stop trying to snap that perfect picture on the perfect day with my perfect friends then I can just enjoy the not-so-perfect-but-really-good-life I've been given. I would love that. I would love it more than anything. Help me Jesus. And help us all let the standards go.

stop, drop, and celebrate!

The biggest tension I'm navigating these days is the in-between. But now that I think about it, I'm constantly navigating the in-between because I'm always coming from and going somewhere. That's life.

My career seemed to get a pretty huge boost a couple of weeks ago. With Atlanta Harvest launching its crowd-funding campaign and with me connecting with Community Farmer's Markets about an internship, I feel like I'm going to a place that I like. And that feels great.

Thank you, Lord.

The challenge in the midst of this, and the temptation I'm resisting, is to focus so much on the new things that I want to start and do that I don't stop and deeply enjoy the successes of the past two weeks. I can always go somewhere new. And praise God, I am. But I think Abba wants me to just stop for a few. Enjoy the fruit. And say thank you.

Here's to my Sabbath.

Here's to celebration.

Here's to gratitude.

I'm gonna go make a list now...

Power Thoughts

Sometimes our biggest breakthroughs come in the funkiest packages.

I've been on this Joyce Meyer kick - reading her books, watching her sermons on YouTube - and man, she teaches God's Word in such powerfully practical ways! This has been a game changer for me.

A couple of days ago I watched part one of her sermon on "Power Thoughts" and the premise of the teaching is based on Proverbs 23:7, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Essentially, the things that we meditate on become our reality. If we are experiencing a lot of sadness, we are likely thinking sad things. If we are experiencing a lot of happiness, then we are likely meditating on happy things. So simple! And so true.

Take a moment to think about how you've felt the past couple of days and take another moment to reflect on the things you've been spending your brain energy on? My point is proven.

For me, I've been warring against negative, fear-based, and comparison-oriented thoughts. So no wonder I've been pleading for breakthrough in my self-worth and in my ability to receive the good gifts God has prepared for me! It has been such a journey! But with this token of wisdom from Joyce, and ultimately from the Word of God, I have been able to walk in new levels of hope, clarity, and direction. Even in the midst of negative and challenging circumstances.

So my big "power thought" for today is "My life is good and that is exactly what Jesus paid for." It's okay for me to enjoy my life. It's okay for me to relax, take breaks, spend time with the people who give me life, to say yes and to say no as the Lord leads. It's okay for me to love being alive. My life is good.

Life is good.

Let that power thought carry you into a great weekend!

wait, who am I again?

In a staff meeting about a year ago, one of my favorite worship pastors said, "We're not short on teachings on identity but I wonder if we're any closer to living it out."

I feel like this statement wraps up the past five months of my life. I left college a year and a half ago with so many ideas about who I was and about who I was going to be. And I feel like the Lord has been placing me in a variety of situations to help me see that a) He really does know me better than I know myself and b) that who I am really am is good and worthy even if it's different from what I was expecting. As it turns out, I'm not necessarily cut out to work for a church. And I'm also beginning to think that I'm not cut out for living in the thicket of the inner city. Not in a "this is hard and I'm going to quit" kind of way, but in a "being here doesn't bring me to life; what in the world am I doing" kind of way.That being said, I'm open to the Lord writing this story however he wants to...

It's taking so much courage and humility for me to look at my life and be honest about who I am and who I'm not in this season...and its forcing me to grapple with big things, like what I really believe about God and what the incarnation of Jesus really means for the world. Appropriate for the Christmas season I suppose.

Honestly though, this all begs the question, what does bring me to life? I've been working diligently on some details for Atlanta Harvest and I just signed up for a couple of Coursera classes. Those excite me. I've always loved learning. I'm also making plans to go work at a farm in Athens for a weekend and that has me thrilled. I dunno. In process, as usual.

Tori Kelly is the soundtrack to my life right now. "Don't quit your daydream,"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZ6IeqJjPmI&list=RDUJS5a3VetTs

on the brink of something beautiful

Time is relatively short, but I have so much that I want to share. I'm starting to think that blogging needs to be a real discipline of mine. Last night God told me that I need to slow down. And I think that taking the time to hear from God and write about what's important will help with that process.

The end of this year and the beginning of the next is about to be quite the whirlwind. My company is going to be taking off in new ways and I'm wanting to really develop my "skills" as a disciple-maker in walking with a few college women. So much to look forward to! And in the midst of it all, I'm really hoping to lean into Jesus and just fall more in love with Him than ever.

So yeah, I'm excited for 2014. I hope to write a blog reflecting on 2013 in the near future. Maybe this afternoon.

pioneer postulates

I don't normally post more than one blog in a day. Actually, I don't normally post more than one blog in a a week. But my head and my heart are so full today! I've been on a rotation of getting my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into writing all morning. First I wrote my last blog, then I wrote in my journal for a while, then I updated my Atlanta Harvest journal on Google Drive, and now I'm blogging again. Inside wants out. Thanks John Mayer.

Moral of the story, at least for this rant, is that I can't find enough trusted resources online for the sorts of processes I'm going through. I want books, blogs, sermons, TED Talks. Anything. I'm 23 years old, starting a company with a good friend, attempting to minister to the poor by living in a distressed neighborhood, falling more and more in love with the man of my dreams, and trying my hardest to just stay connected to the vine because I know that apart from the vine, I can't accomplish anything that I've been dreaming of.

The vine. John 15...maybe I'll read that when I get off of Tumblr.

I just wish I knew where I was going..I mean, I know where I'm going. But I wish I just knew more. As if my knowledge would save me from making any mistakes...

Here's the life of a pioneer. You strike out into new territory. For a while you feel alone until God provides the people to stand beside you. You take the land. And then you hand it over for the others to develop it.

I think everything is going to be okay.

Let me know if you know someone who can help me. I have a few ideas...

keeping thanksgiving

Transitioning back to my work and community life in Atlanta after the Thanksgiving holiday has been more difficult than expected. Probably because the sense of thankfulness that filled my spirits over the holiday seemed to fly out the window with sudden run-ins with grumpy roommates, a workload that never stops growing, and personal emotional turbulence that consistently got the best of me. I guess my thankfulness was replaced with the exact opposite. Making for a not-so-good day.

But this morning things are better. I woke up much earlier than usual to prepare for a breakfast meeting. Being up at 6 am and having time for the Spirit to just wash over my soul really cleared some things. I needed that. I needed to feel like his mercy was new this morning. That's some thing to be thankful for.

Another thing to be thankful for is the fact that I just had a two-hour long breakfast meeting with one of my favorite authors and pioneers in Christian community development. I'm not quite sure how this happened. Meeting the big-wigs doesn't impress me as much as it used to. It just seems to be how the Lord has oriented my life. What's most exciting to me as I sit and listen to these 70-year old world-changers is that I can feel the sense that I'm just at the beginning of it all. I can't wait to see how God will use my life to encourage other pioneers and risk-takers fifty years from now. So much to look forward to.

Now I'm off to keep working. My favorite coffee shop, Parish Market in Inman Park, is closed on Mondays so I've taken up residence at Inman Perk. I like it a lot so far. Which is good, because there's so much to do. I need to do some soul-care (I'm praying through some idolatry of prestige and ambition stuff...) and then I can start reading my company's operating agreement. So much to do! But I suspect that its going to be a very fruitful week.

And I'm thankful.

Sweet Jesus, thank you for your mercy. And thank you that your work on the cross is never irrelevant or unnecessary. Its needed daily. Thank you for teaching me that this is a journey. Thank you for showing me that sanctification isn't about me becoming strong, but its about you becoming strong in me. Keep showing me more of you. I need you. And I long to be with you and to be like you. Make much of yourself in my life. You must become greater and I must become less. Always more of you. Thank you, in your name, amen.

yes. yes. yes.

I'm all stirred up about corporate expressions of compassion. I love that and I hate that. It's the kind of spiritual discomfort you ask for, and then when you get it, it's so overwhelming that all you can do is wish for it manifest itself as powerful action or to just leave.

I received a prophetic word last week about my ministry in the city of Atlanta. In this prophetic word, God told me that the pace is much slower than I think it is. The pace of his work through me in this city is much slower than I think...and that's a good thing. It helps me chill out and trust that even though I don't yet know how this corporate compassion will show itself, it will come when its time.

Few things feel as good and certain as walking in your destiny. I love God. I love vision. I love dreaming. I love engaging in this mission of his. I'm in Atlanta starting a farming company because God loves me so much. And because he loves Atlanta so much. He truly does work all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.

#winning

musings on a sunday funday.

It's been an interesting day. Kate's on outfit number one hundred and three. We're going to get ice cream soon.

I've been learning a lot about interesting things: submission, vulnerability, dreaming. All very meaningful things. I want to write about them here but I'm not sure where to start or what to say. I'm just in process, as usual.

I'm wearing some of my favorite things today. It's a good feeling. Maybe even a God feeling. He does love beauty, ya know?

My boyfriend (oh yes, the old has passed away and the new as come) and my best friend have both been challenging me to "be present." Kate told me to stop thinking and to just look at things...that was great advice. Just looking at things helps me see that I have so much to be thankful for.

I made a pork chop marinade this morning. Can't wait to pan fry those beauties!

I'm going to stop with my rambles now. Sometimes I just like the feeling of my fingers on the key board. Kind of like how I just like to hear myself talk. Oh, honesty. Maybe I'm missing college a little. The paper writing -- the creative process of researching, compiling, organizing, convincing, submitting, winning. It was grand.

Grad school, where you at?

Kate's almost ready. Jeni's, here we come. :)

A snapshot from the road. #glory #beautifulweekend #vineyardfamily #vscocam #inboxzero

#beautifulweekend #vscocam #vineyardfamily #glory #inboxzero

Say hello to my little radishes! #theyregrowing #Mark4:26-29 #soexcited #freshfood #growlocal #atlantaharvest @teebrooksie @jessephillips @merbethnicole

#freshfood #atlantaharvest #mark4 #soexcited #theyregrowing #growlocal

Had a great evening kickin it in Adair Park at the Beltline Bike Shop! #bikes #community #socialchange #hiskingdomcome @jessephillips @thatannabellegirl @lindseykateh @corbinklett

#socialchange #bikes #hiskingdomcome #community

Saturday morning goodness! #fallplanting #lettuce #spinach #ilovethisstuff @jessephillips @teebrooksie

#lettuce #fallplanting #ilovethisstuff #spinach

on failure

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;"

His presence is sure. Always.

I finally reached the end of myself in this whole break-up season when I was sitting on the floor in the middle of Grace Midtown's front set of worship and I couldn't stop crying. My friends had been pouring their love on me all evening, and in that moment I still felt so...alone. The image I had in my mind was of me sitting in the middle of a valley that looked a bit like the elephant graveyard from The Lion King. I kept looking for Jesus in the picture, and then I saw Him. He walked over to me and just sat down with me. Indian-style. We both just sat there, playing with the dirt. It was quite depressing.

And then I understood. After two and a half months, a graciously short period of time, I could see it so clearly. I failed. My ex-boyfriend and I worked so hard to fit and squeeze and make a relationship work. And it didn't happen. It failed. We failed. What do you call it when you try something and it doesn't work out? Failure. Harsh, but true.

But in that moment, with me and Jesus sitting at my spiritual ground zero, failure felt like the sweetest gift He could have given me. Because at my absolute lowest point, He was there. And He never looked so beautiful. And I never felt so deeply valuable to Him.

One of my friends in college was a dancer, and a really good one. She and I were in the same major and she would always get on this soapbox about how our high-achieving education system warped us all into thinking that failure is a bad thing and something that should be avoided at all costs. But in reality, failure is one of the healthiest things that can happen to us, and for us, because its the most powerful way we learn. It's the way we learn who we are, what we're about, what real success is, and what we're truly worth.

The amazing thing about life with Jesus is that He gives us such security in the midst of failure, disappointment, loss, and heartache. Life with Jesus affords us true worth beyond what we can ever accomplish. It's real. Because he's here. Death has lost its sting. Fear of failure is cast out by perfect love. Love perfected. Him. Jesus. Perfect. Mine.

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

God is good y'all. He's so good. And we can trust Him.

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but she's free