I feel like I am in hell. I am no longer fighting against it or trying to escape. Escape is impossible. Just waiting for it to consume me. It will probably take years.

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@severinw93
I feel like I am in hell. I am no longer fighting against it or trying to escape. Escape is impossible. Just waiting for it to consume me. It will probably take years.
one person's "ugghh this trope is so overdone" is another person's "oooooohohohohohohohoho"
I lost a lot in 2023 to 2024. I am not going to enumerate it all.
I mainly lost my sense that there is something people can do against all the troubles in this world. I no longer feel like fighting. The world is burning; it’s not my burden.
I grew up being very of my Native heritage. I grew my hair long for most of my life. I cut it when my grandpa died in 2006 and when my grandma died in 2023. By the end of 2024 I stopped growing it out. Sometimes I feel like I do not recognize my face in the mirror anymore because of it.
At this point I am basically mourning the loss of a way I used to view the world. Hard work and self sacrifice for a world that could be better for everyone leaves you burnt out. Helping someone out because you had the means to do so does not seem genuine to people in this world. I am stuck in the gender binary with no way out. The world is being deliberately ended by a doomsday cult and people are stuck in the state of thought that those people are just merely not acting like Christ instead of it being another thing in two millennia of terrible world views.
Us broken, beaten, and the damned are so raw and unhealed that we will allow some is to be sacrificed by the Fascists because of minor beefs about things a decade ago stop us from banding together.
I have realized I have survived too much and I cannot really be open with most of the people around me. The people I can be open with are the ones other people encourage me to ostracize because those people are too messed up.
Ever so often memories of a specific day/evening come flooding back. It was the best day of my life so far. I am terrified that it will be THE best day of my life. I cannot imagine how other days could ever compete. The simple basic things that make me happy in abundance.
I do not want to say I am not doing well so I am not saying it. Broken and defeated does not cover it.
I have realized over the past year but also over the past two or so years, that I have been wrong about some basic things about life.
There is no future and England’s dreaming.
There is just madness. To survive you have to learn to ignore the reality and embrace the madness. Take the dive and know you may not come back up for air.
I wish I was smart enough to know when I am being used. I also wish I was smart enough to know when I am being a bother. I worry that everyone who says I am intelligent and have a good mind is just playing some joke on me, or they are just trying to be nice to someone who does not know better.
My heart is all over the place. One person has been feeling it with joy and also causing me sorrow.
She makes me feel so loved. Being woken up with gentle head caresses and kisses on my cheeks, and having a breakfast cooked for me makes me happy.
I am also the other person in an affair and know that she could cut things off with me.
I need to leave the city I have lived in my whole life and never come back.
I spent the weekend with my girlfriend and her boyfriend in another city. I realized how starved for gentle kindness I am. She came to the guest room where I was sleeping and gave me a bunch of good morning kisses on my cheek. Then she cooked me an amazing breakfast. She also gave me a back massage. She sent me home with a bunch of food including an amazing single version pineapple upside down cake. She also picked some camellia flowers for me to take home.
I wish I lived in the same city. Being able to routinely enjoy love like that would help my stress levels.
I feel trapped in this town. I should have left right after my grandma died, but I did not want to leave my mother alone to deal with all of my grandma's hoard and estate. There was other unfinished business too here. Word of advice, do not put your life on hold for others. You do not get that time back. The flood that destroyed a lot of my possessions set me back financially, too. My escape fund is not as well-padded as it once was. I regret caring about people. I hate typing that. That feels like it goes against the core of who I am as a person. You do not get your time back. Being a good person gets you trampled upon. I should have reported my ex for domestic abuse. She would not have a good job right now. I most likely would. The person who thought of me as her father would probably have ended up in a foster home because of it. I should not have cared. One of the things that really broke me to my core over the past two years is that I used to think people could come together to try to build a better world, a better community, a better society on a small scale. People only want romantic partners. If you are not related to someone, and you try to help them, they assume you are doing it to try to get in their pants. I feel like I was too stupid or too idealistic to realize that. I thought at one time that it was an option to want someone in your life as a friend, no matter what, and try to build a better world together. People only want to do that with romantic partners. Not even then really. They want a better world for themselves. A better life for themselves, the world be damned. Who can blame them, I guess? We are all just trying to survive. The world is terrible. People are all terrible and annoying, and we just choose how much we want to tolerate a romantic partner while we use them for what they can do for us. We are all basically settling. Settling is just how it is. I guess, that is how it is. I feel like an alien a lot of times. I have been trying to just not see certain behavior as untolerable lately. There is a person who has said she wants to marry me. She is currently in a relationship with someone else. She is an alcoholic. She has punched her boyfriend in the face before when he pissed her off. She once gave me a light punch to the nose when I said something. I think that is just how life is. She loves me well enough. She wants to take me around the world, and fuck my brains out. If she gets a bit violent when drunk, I think that is a price I am willing to pay. I could be dealing with a lot worse.
Leaving this here in case one day people ever go looking for me and want to have any idea what probably happened. Picking up from several previous posts. I am involved with a woman who has severe violent tendencies and can be a bit of a self-described sociopath. It is an OPP situation. The other day, she admitted to me that she had gotten angry and punched her actual boyfriend in the face. One time when she was drinking and we were cuddling and I said something that she misunderstood, she punched me with a little bit of force in the nose. She has avoided getting married for her entire 46 years of existence.
Yesterday we were talking on the phone about how close the two of us have ever gotten to marry previous partners. At one point she asked me, "You would marry me, wouldn't you?" I responded, "Of course." I probably would tbh. Someone who has never been married and has avoided marriage, wants to marry me. I have been physically abused by other partners before, and I am pretty sure that is just the norm, and that society at large just avoids talking about it. It is kind of survival. She is rich and attractive, and is really attracted to me. It could be a lot worse. I would gladly take a little bit of abuse, if it means not having to worry so much about survival and getting a chance to see more of the world.
I have somehow become the best friend to either a sociopath or the most autistic person I have ever met (or both). I am definitely ignoring a bunch of red flags, but hey, you only live once. Her family is really rich. She has basically offered to be at her family's compound in the event of a shit hits the fan event. She also says she loves me. We have done a lot that her boyfriend does not know about it at all. She is a bit of an alcoholic. I am kind of worried that me livng an hour away and not being in the same town is making her sad and making her drink more than she would otherwise. I think I love her. She wants to take me to see the world, and her family has the money.
For most of my life I have more or less been able to think where everything that I own is, or at least in theory should be. My memory ist just really, really good like that. Also, I tend to be really organized. Then the flood came and destroyed a lot of my possessions. I had to throw so many things out in a short time, that I was not really able to fully process everything. Things were just falling apart from being soggy, too waterlogged to even take out of containers, etc. Things were just tossed into the pile of things to be thrown away in the corner of the guest bedroom. At one point, I made a nice little series of pages in a music journal that a friend once gave me that detailed all the various main ragas. I am not sure of that music journal still exists or not. It had the sheet music to a few songs I have written over the years too. I am pretty sure it is gone. I think it was on the bottom shelf or below a bookcase on the floor. I am not sure. So much of life is just in the past.
Eugenicist and bioessentialist beliefs about magic
Like New Age, modern witchcraft developed at a time period when eugenics and so-called race science were highly popular ideas - and consequentially, some of these ideas influenced people’s beliefs about magic. These beliefs also influenced modern conspiracy theories about the occult, which in turn influenced perceptions of magic in general. Here’s some of these beliefs:
People are either born with magical gifts, or they’ll never have them at all.
People born with magical gifts are meant to be spiritual leaders and guide the world into a new age.
There are special bloodlines whose members are more capable of performing magic than others.
People who can perform magic are able to do so only because they have special ancestry.
Some racial groups are more capable of performing magic than others.
Some bloodlines or racial groups are more capable of performing certain kinds of magic than others (EG, so-called “light magic” or “dark magic”).
The traditions of your genetic ancestors will always come to you easily and intuitively, with little to no study required. (And if they don’t, you aren’t a “true witch.”)
Modern witchcraft was also hit by the gender essentialism stick, and claims that come from this line of thinking include:
Magic requires or at least massively benefits from some performance or symbolic representation of heterosexuality or heteronormativity; other forms of magic will be inherently weaker.
Literally all magic is a recreation of heterosexual reproduction.
The womb is a woman’s most potent source of magic.
There are only two important deities: the god and the goddess.
All goddesses represent the divine mother archetype, all gods represent the divine father archetype.
Feminine energies are soft and nurturing, masculine entities are aggressive and bold.
Masculine energies are too strong in the world, and are the reason for imperialism, violence, etc. The imbalance can be corrected by focusing on feminine energies.
So yeah, always watch out for claims like this because they don’t come from a good place.
Reblogging because this is more relevant than ever
GOD this has been something plaguing my mind for MONTHS
as someone whos very research heavy in their practice, i see this repeated over and over and over CONSTANTLY… between nuggets of genuine wisdom or profound knowledge are statements like “women are profoundly capable when it comes to fate weaving due to their wombs being the source of all life” and im like…. ???????? what does that have to do with anything? life rises and falls everywhere all the time, in so many ways its boggles the mind! am i to believe that asexual reproduction in cells, viruses, bacteria, etc makes them… what, women? do they embody the “divine feminine”? what even is the divine feminine, fucking.. subservience? passivity? acquiescence?? am i barred from the divine femeninity because i lack a womb? can wiccans tell im transgender because my femenine aura has a spectral gock? the fuck are these people on about!?!
i need so badly for a new wave of magic to hit the scene, devoid of all this gender bullshit. gender is fun and all but i dont think relying on it is ever useful, especially in mystical spaces that are inherently biased towards the equalization under magick/the unity of one & all. like everything is as one and we are all alike except for penis energy and vagina aura, those are real… for sure… thats a big motivator for me. i want to see a magick/occultism that can let go of this archaic bullshit.
Some boy images for this morning.
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I have a friend who has been sad the past few days. She has been mixing booze and sleeping pills. I think she loves me. She has said it before. We have had sex a few times. She technically has a boyfriend, not me. I make her happy. I sing to her. We have talked about leaving the country and not coming back.
I am growing increasingly afraid she will be done soon. My heart has already been broken enough.