NOT MY TEXT, written by m_inconvenience on AO3
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
We have gathered here to discuss the most crucial issue of our fandom and to put an end to all the omissions and misunderstandings that might arise in certain fragile minds.
Some people believe that Hellsing is a strictly heterosexual work. This distorted perception is usually backed by arguments such as:
1. Alucard's loyal service to Integra
3. The passionate enmity between Maxwell and Integra
4. The canonical romance between Seras and Pip
5. THAT scene with Rip van Winkle's death
And that would all be fine and dandy — there are no limits to shipping in this world, even for pairings like Darth Vader and Shrek. But among the specially gifted fans of "hetero-slop," there is an opinion that, given the presence of the factors mentioned above, homosexuality is completely absent from the anime.
To avoid simply beating around the bush and to make the argumentation process more interesting, I am not going to resort to compromises like, "homosexuality doesn't contradict heterosexuality; there is, after all, the adjacent concept of bisexuality." That's boring and dumb. Therefore, my stance will be that Hellsing is an ULTRA-gay anime where concepts like "family values" have absolutely no place.
1. Vampirism with an erotic subtext
It’s no secret that vampires are frightening and terrifying. And it’s also no secret that the moment any horror monster is created, a crowd of people appears who wants to fuck it. From Dracula to JJBA, a vampire bite is an allegory for penetration, the loss of virginity, and sometimes even the transmission of syphilis. Our dear and highly respected Kouta Hirano, known previously for drawing (let's not stoop to euphemisms) porn, was highly unlikely to use a strictly puritanical context for vampirism in his subsequent work and magnum opus.
And, of course, Kouta Hirano wasn't the first person to attach a blatantly sexual subtext to blood-sucking (and it obviously was there, which is shown very clearly in the scene where Integra lets Seras drink her blood). To dispel all doubts on this matter, I would ask you, my dear reader, how you would feel if you had to sink your lips into someone's neck, bent in a sacrificial arch, "purely for functional survival." It's foolish to claim that such a context can only exist when interacting with a beautiful young lady. After all, if we replace the act of drinking blood with an equally invasive sexual act, it would be hard to deny the erotic nature of what is happening, regardless of the genders involved.
2. Gayness not as love, but as amorality
Let's not kid ourselves: there are no outright decent characters in Hellsing. Seras's story is the story of an adequate person adapting to a mad, mad world full of all sorts of idiots and degenerates. You could stretch the definition and call Integra sane, but even her methods sometimes leave a lot of questions. Basically, there's no one well-adjusted here, and there never will be.
Many of these magnificent lunatics gladly cast aside normal human morality like a pair of wet underwear (whether under the banner of humanity or otherwise). Under various pretexts: achieving a goal, serving the nation, or just plain old human thrill-seeking. And the funniest thing about the hetero-slop fans' argumentation is the idea that a bloodthirsty killer or an accomplice to inhumane experiments WOULD BE AFRAID OF A BARE MALE ASS OR A PENIS. Now that is hilarious.
What this ultimately leads to: in many works, to show the amorality of a villain/antihero and contrast them against us, the family-oriented, empathetic viewers, they are portrayed as sexually uninhibited as possible. No, not out of love for someone special, although that can sometimes be a trope to humanize villains, but out of sheer amorality. Ordinary boundaries of decency have no power over a character if they don't attach any sacred significance to the human body.
Let's admit it: if charming girls with pitchforks and axes chased a male protagonist throughout the entire plot, drooling at the mere thought of an impending battle (and battle involves a LOT of bodily contact), 100% of the audience would instantly declare, "THAT'S LUUUV." But when those exact same heavy pants and wails come from a gruff bearded dude, a campy chubby warlock, or an equally campy long-haired priest (which is a fetishistic trope in and of itself), then it's "obviously" just true rivalry, pure hatred, and nothing more. It’s pretty hypocritical to rob these poor male characters of their emotional depth, reducing them to a primitive, macho "I'LL SHANK YOU, PANSIES."
Oh yes, this grim Nazi organization suddenly appears before us looking like a flaming gay club. Judge for yourselves:
1. A Doctor in fetishistic BDSM gear with body harnesses and a crop top.
2. A massive, jacked woman with a short haircut, tattoos, and a scythe. The butch lesbian aesthetic practically writes itself.
3. Schrödinger, a literal femboy neko-kun.
4. A highly theatrical Commander-in-Chief who is as far removed from rough military machismo as humanly possible, who spent 50 years planning the ultimate dream date with his sworn enemy, all while enjoying the company of his BDSM Doctor who gave him a "technical checkup" every single week.
At this point, you genuinely just want to look at him and ask in all seriousness:
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