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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
we're not kids anymore.
dirt enthusiast
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
Product Placement
if i look back, i am lost
Cosimo Galluzzi
Kiana Khansmith
KIROKAZE
shark vs the universe
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izzy's playlists!
Xuebing Du
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Peter Solarz
Three Goblin Art
Mike Driver
wallacepolsom
seen from Canada
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@sexualintimidationdemon
Let me tell you about my beautiful wife! Jay has been a dedicated member of the … Jessica Delisle needs your support for Help Jay Arner Cove
Sorry this post isn't about a horror movie, but the way trans people are being treated lately is pretty horrific! I'm raising money to help fund my wife's transition costs. Support trans people not just on the trans day of visibility but every day always and forever. Thank you!
Day 8
Reflections on: Antlers (2021)
The first establishing shot during the opening credits made me wonder if this was filmed near where I live. The story is set in Oregon but it was shot in: Hope, Squamish, Port Moody, Langley, Coquitlam, Burnaby, Maple Ridge, and Alouette Lake. All places I could drive to RIGHT NOW in an hour or two if I wanted to. Knowing that Keri Russell and Jesse Plemons have spent time in Burnaby (my hometown) gave me a little thrill.
Keri Russell's character drives a Subaru which is a nice touch for an Oregonian.
Some of the practical effects and story elements reminded me of previous great horror movies Hellraiser (1987), An American Werewolf in London (1981), and Alien (1979). Shockingly not in a derivative way!
Features two classic Canadian character actors Graham Greene and Jay Brazeau. In this house we love a working actor.
Although it's a bit too grey, the movie is shot and lit beautifully.
I enjoyed this more than all the Scream movies I just watched.
Keri Russell's character has a bit of an Ellen Ripley vibe. She's practical and rises to the challenge despite insanely stressful circumstances. That's hot.
I saw the trailer for this in a theatre years ago and was immediately interested despite the title sounding silly. I love Keri Russell and Jesse Plemons probably more than your average person. Wendigo myths are also fascinating. I have never heard anyone talk about this movie. I think it's worth watching!
Day 7
Reflections on: Scream (2022)
Characters in these movies live in houses that are WAY too big. Why does anyone even live in this town anymore. Especially parents with teens!? Get outta there!
Heather Matarazzo is BACK!
The cast includes Jenna Ortega, Dylan Minnette (from Lost!), and Jasmin Savoy Brown (everyone's favourite dirt-eating lesbian from Yellowjackets) and they're all doing their best.
Courteney Cox is "looking a little weird" as is CGI de-aged Skeet Ulrich.
Jenna Ortega's character watches an episode of Dawson's Creek and we see Scott Foley's character on screen. So are we supposed to think that's a different person from the character he played in Scream 3??? I hate it.
Why are hospitals always so dark and deserted in these movies. Zero doctors or nurses. Not even a janitor or custodian?!
Why does nobody kick Ghostface in the balls?
Although there were a lot of cheesy lines, too many plot points involving cell phones, and an annoying amount of false jump-scares this was probably still the best Scream since Scream (1996).
Day 6
Reflections on: Scream 4 (2011)
Even 11 years later characters are still obsessed with the fictional "Stab" movie franchise. That's too bad.
Most of the film is women talking on phones. Feels like pretty lazy screenwriting.
Courteney Cox finally has normal hair! Good for her.
What kind of loser knows their own IQ?
A young Rory Culkin gets to say the line, "live video blog upload".
"What's your favourite scary movie?" is asked by various characters probably about 50 times.
Adam Brody is in this for some reason and should have been in it more.
Having a fictional popular horror film franchise within your own popular horror franchise feels unnecessary and masturbatory. If any characters are critical of the "Stab" franchise they are then violently killed. Seems a bit heavy-handed.
This was silly.
Day 5
Reflections on: Scream 3 (2000)
100% Cotton is a very bad name for a TV show.
It seems like everyone and their dog (there is a cute dog) is in this movie. Lance Henriksen (Aliens (1990)), Scott Foley (Felicity), Roger Corman (king of B-movies), Parker Posey (Josie and the Pussycats (2001)), Emily Mortimer (hollow bones), Kelly Rutherford (Gossip Girl), and Heather Matarazzo (Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995)) are only a fraction of the cast. Jay and Silent Bob are also in this... in character?? So the Scream movies exist in the same universe as they do? Oof.
Contains dialogue such as: "Who's gonna kill what they can't find?", "Why did you have so many secrets?", and "What he did to her made her a slut." I think this movie may be bad.
This is just a straight up comedy. The cast includes two actors (Parker Posey and Matt Keeslar) who were also in Waiting For Guffman (1996) and it made me wish I was re-watching that instead of this.
The killer faxes a script he's writing and it's like kryptonite for actors. THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!
Carrie Fisher plays a woman who is not Carrie Fisher but looks a lot like Carrie Fisher FOR NO REASON!
This feels like it could be part of the Scary Movie (2000) franchise.
Dewey believes women. THANK YOU Dewey.
Infuriatingly, much of the plot hinges on magical Talkboy-esque impossible technology. Especially not possible 24 years ago.
Why has Courteney Cox been cursed with terrible hair in all the Scream movies? In previous instalments she had bad chunky highlights, in this one it's an awful wig with baby bangs.
Josh Pais, as a sarcastic sidekick detective, is the only actually funny part of the film. The lead detective is played by Patrick Dempsey who, when asked by Sidney what his favourite scary movie is, leans in close and flirt-whispers "My life.", to which she responds "Me too." This movie is bad.
I hope this is the last Scream movie that is about the fictional "Stab" movie franchise.
Following Shakespearean dramatic rules, this movie ends with romance and thus it is a comedy.
Day 4
Reflections on: Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)
The opening scene is a very long shot of two women making out. That's cool.
Lee Pace is so tall. I finally get it now. Also he's gay IRL. So am I.
Every character is SO unlikable. No one has any empathy. Jay described it as a "gathering of the narcissists".
More stressful than scary.
The lighting was interesting.
The final line in the film is a cameo by an actor that I really love. I won't spoil who it is here, but it REALLY made me wish he (oooh!) played a bigger role!
Day 3
Reflections on: Viy (1967)
The main character (and most of the other men in this) has a real Corky St. Clair (from Waiting For Guffman (1996)) haircut.
Some of the outdoor scenes were shot on location while others were clearly filmed on a set in front of a painted backdrop or rear projection screens. Pick a lane!
Lots of good animal actors, but given the context this was made in I doubt they were treated very humanely :(
Russian icon paintings of god (or Jesus?) REALLY look like aliens.
Some good spooky music and cool practical effects.
This isn't actually a story about a witch, it's more about a dumb guy priest who is often drunk - mainly because I think they drank vodka instead of water back in 19th century Russia.
There's no motive behind the plot. The witch doesn't say or do anything to warrant her fate. Maybe that's the point? The villagers seem unaware of the witch, yet they all seem to do her bidding. It felt simplistic and disconnected story-wise, but I guess it's based off a novella from 1835 so it is what it is.
If you absolutely feel the need to watch this you can probably skip to the last 10 minutes where all the fun stuff is.
Day 2
Reflections on: Halloween Ends (2022)
What kind of babysitter shows a kid The Thing (1982)?! I understand this is supposed to be a cute reference to the original Halloween (1978) movie where Laurie watches The Thing From Another World (1951) with the kid she's babysitting. However, there's a big difference in the gore factor between the 50's version and the 80's version and it makes the babysitter guy seem like a maniac when we're supposed to feel like he's a good guy.
Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode is a fashion icon. She wears a teal turtleneck under a brown suede vest with a floral maxi skirt. She also has big dyke energy and I love that.
An adult getting bullied by marching band high school teens is very sad and unfair. The same character also being harassed by a local radio DJ is not something I saw coming, nor did it make any sense to the plot.
Moral of the story: YOU CAN ALWAYS MOVE TO ANOTHER CITY!
Everyone in this town hangs out at one bar, and apparently youths in 2022 love dancing to Sebadoh and Dead Kennedys? OK.
Both "good" and "bad" characters do a lot of stalking in this.
Michael Myers still has amazing core strength despite his age.
A character watches Hard Target (1993) at one point. Nice.
Corey's mom is OBSESSED with custard!
This movie is about generational trauma and how a mass- casualty event (or more than one) can have an impact on a town's future. Violence has been ever-present for the youth in this film and thus harsh bullying has become normalized.
I feel bad for Laurie Strode. She's trying her best. She's been traumatized enough!
I wonder how William Shatner feels about a mask of his face becoming a horror icon.
Too much hand trauma!
The Sheriff pulls up at the very end of the (long) film in his 10-gallon hat and it made me wish he was a bigger part of the story.
This is also about why it's important to BELIEVE WOMEN!
I hope Danny McBride and David Gordon Green keep making horror movies together.
Day 1
Reflections on: Alison's Birthday (1981)
This is a beautifully shot Australian spooky movie.
The main characters drive around in a weird dune buggy-like vehicle that can only be described as a little fart cart.
Who gives a gold pendant to a "tiny baby"?
Surprisingly evocative new wave / early music-tinged score accomplished mostly with DI guitar and a synth with phaser. At times the musical cues are cliché slasher film chord stabs, at others they're bizarre bird calls. I appreciated the variety.
The moral of the story is don't let family guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do, especially on YOUR birthday.
The uncle character has a Victor Garber vibe and his fashion becomes more nouveau-druidic each time he's on screen.
Chewing gum in a library feels disrespectful.
Alison's boyfriend Peter is unusually resourceful for a horror movie and shockingly BELIEVES WOMEN which was a nice surprise.
Peter refers to some men in tuxedos as "swamp zombies".
Happy 7 month HRT anniversary to my partner Jay, who pointed out that I have not yet come out on my horror movie blog. Let this be my official coming out post. Could you tell I was gay from the past 14 years of posts on here? I changed the name of my blog to HOT LESBIAN WITCHES just in case there was any ambiguity.
This movie is worth watching!
Bonus
Reflections on: Jungle Cruise (2021)
Some might say this is not a horror film and that is in fact an action / adventure / comedy. Spoilers ahead.
Jesse Plemons does a pretty good Werner Herzog impression as a nazi who controls a zombie Aguirre made of snakes.
LOOK AT HOW JESEE PLEMONS ATE THAT PIRANHA!! (see above)
LOOK AT HOW JESSE PLEMONS EATS THOSE PEAS!! (see above)
The Rock turns into an actual rock and is 400 years old.
The soundtrack is Metallica.
Do you still think this isn’t a horror movie?
Day 31
Reflections on: Good Manners (2017)
I liked this a lot! It’s a Brazilian movie written and directed by Juliana Rojas and Marco Dutra.
About an hour into the film everything takes a real left turn.
The genre is listed as fantasy / horror / musical. If the musical aspect turns you off - don’t fret! It’s hardly a musical. Yes, a few characters sing but it’s quite subtle and fits with the tone of the movie well. Bonus: one of the songs is about a horse.
If you like pregnancy related horror movies like Rosemary’s Baby (1968), It’s Alive (1974), and Inside (2007) you might like this!
Day 30
Reflections on: Child’s Play (1972)
This has no relation to Child’s Play (1988). Not even one single talking doll. I’ll find out one day if the Chucky movie is better than this one.
A very young, smiley Beau Bridges plays the new gym teacher at his alma mater - a religious preparatory school for boys. Everything has gotten much more fucked up and violent since he graduated.
Beau Bridges really reminded me of a friendly dog with his long sideburns and floppy hair hair. At one point he hops on some parallel bars and flips around. Is this gregarious big puppy secretly ripped under his duffle coat? Sadly we never find out.
James Mason plays the Latin teacher. He brings a heaping dose of melodrama to his role, as is his custom. James you wacky old guy!
This was barely a horror movie. Some horrific things happen but it’s uncertain if there’s ever a supernatural element to it. At the worst it was like a darker version of Dead Poet’s Society (1989).
How many shades of brown can you fit in one movie? It looked like an episode of Columbo. The most enjoyable part was the autumnal knits.
Sidney Lumet directed this and because of that I wanted the movie to be a bit better! Sorry!
Day 29
Reflections on: Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021)
Full disclosure: this review is totally biased because I am a fan of one of the actors, Dan Lippert. He’s a talented improv comedian and is one quarter of the hilarious group Big Grande. I’m also a fan of his excellent podcasts The Teacher’s Lounge and Man Dog Pod. I’m not sure I would have liked the movie as much as I did without consuming all of that previous content.
It feels like Dan Lippert improvised most of his lines. There are familiar themes from his comedy such as: bad MJ impressions and cannibalism.
This is the 7th film in the Paranormal Activity franchise. I haven’t seen any of the previous instalments. This is technically a “found footage” movie like the others, yet instead of using security cameras footage, this looks professional due to the fact that the main character has hired a crew to help her make a documentary.
It was strange to watch a movie that took place in a COVID-19 world. It’s only briefly addressed in the beginning when Dan Lippert’s character awkwardly forgets to put on his mask at an airport and then offhandedly remarks, “I got COVID like 5 times.”
Dan Lippert steals every scene he’s in - which is most of them. He casually does yoga in the background, refers to his camouflage pyjamas as his “cammies”, offers a translation of “so weit nicht weiter” as “Sweet, nice wiener”, and gets an Amish makeover complete with a bob and bangs. A 6′7″ man with a cute bob is a sight to behold!
Despite being the main source of comedy in the story he’s also the most sensible character who figures out what’s going on before the compulsively confident and pathologically nosy protagonist.
The story has a lot of parallels with Midsommar (2019), but also has some similarities to Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and Children of the Corn (1984).
I won’t spoil the ridiculous ending but it does finish with a beautiful symphony of harmonious moos.
This was way more enjoyable than I expected! I loved it and would watch it again. Maybe you might not feel the same way if you’re not an Old Slob like me :)
Day 28
Reflections on: Dark Skies (2013)
I mainly watched this because it stars Kerri Russell and I’m a fan of Felicity. Check it out hahaha
Kerri Russell and Josh Hamilton play the parents of two boys - one is the kid from Real Steel (2011). If you haven’t seen this movie it’s just Rocky (1976) with dancing robots.
This felt almost exactly like Poltergeist (1982) but with aliens instead of restless spirits and sadly none of the charm of the Spielberg movie. Yeah that’s right, I referred to Poltergeist as a Spielberg movie. What are you gonna do, Tobe Hooper?!
Just like in Poltergeist, the weird happenings begin in the kitchen with mysterious messes and condiment installations. At one point a TV even plays the American national anthem, as it does in Poltergeist, but with a wobbly vibrato effect on it - because apparently aliens make things sound wiggly!
The abduction elements were also very reminiscent of Close Enounters of the Third Kind (1977) and The X-Files. I love that kind of shit and find it genuinely freaky as I once woke up with mysterious bruises that I couldn’t explain! I want to believe, but alas, I am more of a Scully.
J.K. Simmons plays an alien expert with many cats and a silly hat. His resources look like they’re straight out of The International UFO Museum and Research Center in Roswell, New Mexico. If you ever get a chance to go there you absolutely must. It’s a delightful treasure trove of bizarre dioramas with the same production value as an elementary school science fair.
This looked incredibly bland - but I guess maybe that’s just what the suburbs can be like? Everything felt beige.
My favourite scenes were anything that included art that was supposed to be drawn by children. Always a treat.
You should probably just watch Poltergeist and Felicity instead! At the SAME TIME.
Day 27
Reflections on: The Mafu Cage (1978)
Wow, what a bummer. I had always wanted to see this. I liked Carol Kane in everything I’d seen her in until now, but even she couldn’t save this one.
Animal torture, extreme cultural appropriation, and incest are a few of the main themes. If those are up your alley then maybe this movie is for you!
One of the main characters is an astronomer who works at the Griffith Observatory. This was the most interesting part of the story but it truly has no bearing on anything else. We never really get to see the work she does and the only thing of note that happens at the observatory is an awkward seduction scene at the top of some stairs. It looked uncomfortable and seemed like a waste of science resources.
The clothes, jewelry, and decor were all quite stunning. Sadly it was all soured by a white lady imitating people from other cultures.
This is yet another psychological horror film, like Magic (1978) in which characters’ conditions escalate to extremes that could have been prevented with proper mental health help. They don’t exactly work as horror movies, they just come off as extremely sad.
One of the characters is named Zom. That was good.
Why does this exist?
Day 26
Reflections on: Blood and Black Lace (1964)
This may have the greatest opening credit sequence of all time! The colours! The shapes! Molto bello!
Everyone is dramatically lit and acts over-the-top.
The cast consists of so many beautiful women that it’s hard to keep them all straight.
As with many gialli, the dubbing is ridiculous. The diction is bizarre. One of the male characters sounded like a computer speech synthesizer.
This was the first giallo! I can see why it was so widely imitated. It’s a beautiful melodrama!
Whenever a woman is attacked by the killer she makes absolutely no attempt to fight back. They’re so helpless they practically go limp :/
Excellent clothes and decor.
Don’t ask me to explain the plot to you. Murder.... fashion. That’s about it.
Day 25
Reflections on: The Cave (2005)
Ooh baby this movie had everything I wanted out of a horror movie. It’s mysterious and ridiculous and that’s really all I can ask for!
I’ll admit, it starts out bad but unexpectedly improves as soon as all the HOT CAVE SCIENTISTS show up.
I guess they’re not all scientists, but everyone in this is ridiculously attractive! We’ve got Daniel Dae Kim (AKA Jin from Lost), Lena Headey (AKA Cersei from Game of Thrones), Piper Perabo (her name is fun to say), Morris Chestnut (perhaps the most attractive?), and Eddie Cibrian (AKA LeAnn Rimes’ husband). If you ask me it’s a crime to send this many attractive people into a spooky cave!
The dialogue is delightfully silly: “We’re gonna go deep on this one!”, “Demons, huh?”, “Respect the cave.”, “It’s awesome!”, “It’s dark, it’s deep and it’s wet.”, and “That’s some kind of eel!”.
I will never get tired of watching cave-based content. Everything looks so cool in caves! I don’t even care if it was shot in a set or not. I love it all.
This felt like Alien (1979) meets Zoolander (2001) meets The Muppets. I love all those things so this was great for me personally.
I don’t want to give too much away so I’ll just say the special effects were excellent.
I wasn’t expecting to enjoy this as much as I did. What a treat. Love u caves.