boyfriend: That was so hot, pico.
pico: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenerate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.
boyfriend: I'm so in love with you.
---
pico: Did it hurt when you fell-
boyfriend: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-
pico: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.
boyfriend: ...
pico: You just laid there for 15 minutes.
---
cassandra, peeling a banana: May I take your jacket, sir? Hahahaha.
girlfriend: Do you think other people can’t hear you?
---
girlfriend: Are you a cuddler?
cassandra: I'm a machine of death and destruction.
girlfriend:
cassandra: ...Yeah, I'm a cuddler.
---
cassandra: pico is taking credit for girlfriend's work, getting them to deal with everything, and making fun of them! You know what they sound like?
boyfriend: You?
cassandra: No, I meant... You know girlfriend. In spite of being clever and sarcastic they’re also... fragile and weird and they have trouble fitting in. And pico is taking advantage of their weakness! You know what that’s called?
boyfriend: A cassandra?
cassandra: ...Yeah, but I’m the only one who should be allowed to do that, okay?!
---
boyfriend: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.
pico, girlfriend, & cassandra: Okay.
boyfriend: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.
pico: Bold of you to assume I have money.
girlfriend: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.
cassandra: Bold of you to assume I can die.
---
cassandra: *Gasp*
pico: What?
cassandra: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?
pico: *Inhales*
boyfriend, in another room with girlfriend: Do you hear screeching?
---
girlfriend: What’s up with boyfriend? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?
cassandra: They're just a little overwhelmed.
girlfriend: Why?
cassandra: pico smiled at them.
---
cassandra: Christmas is cancelled.
girlfriend: You can't cancel a holiday.
boyfriend: Keep it up, girlfriend, and you'll lose New Year's too.
girlfriend: What does that mean?
cassandra: pico, take New Year's away from girlfriend.
---
pico: Do you love cassandra?
girlfriend: Yeah, I do.
pico: boyfriend! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!
boyfriend: We all love cassandra. You should've asked if they were IN love with them.
girlfriend: I thought that was implied.
boyfriend: ...
pico: ...
girlfriend, looking straight at boyfriend: Congrats pico, you just won 100 bucks.
---
boyfriend: *Sees cassandra and girlfriend together*
boyfriend: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.
pico: You mean... you ship them?
---
*girlfriend is reading a book next to boyfriend*
cassandra: Why is boyfriend crying on the floor?
girlfriend: They're drunk.
cassandra: And..?
girlfriend: They saw a picture of pico's partner.
cassandra: But they are… pico's partner.
girlfriend: I know.
cassandra:
girlfriend: They don't.
---
boyfriend: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.
girlfriend: boyfriend you are my reward.
*Meanwhile*
pico: cassandra, you deserve a reward for putting up with me.
cassandra: Hell yea I do, you can be a real pain sometimes.
---
pico: *Taps fingers on table*
boyfriend: *Taps back furiously*
cassandra: …What’s going on?
girlfriend: Morse code. They’re talking.
pico: -.-- --- ..- .----. .-. . / - .... . / -.-. ..- - . ... -
boyfriend: *Slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
---
cassandra: I am darkness. I am power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am the fury, I am a weapon, I am-
girlfriend: A doll.
pico: A cinnamon roll.
boyfriend: A sweetheart.
cassandra:
cassandra: ...stop it.
---
girlfriend: The moon is beautiful tonight.
cassandra: It sure is.
boyfriend: Should we tell them it’s just a tortilla you threw on the window?
pico: Shh.
---
cassandra: You have friends and I envy that.
pico: You're welcome to share my friends.
cassandra: *Looks at boyfriend and girlfriend*
cassandra: I don't want those.
---
cassandra: *Screams*
pico: *Screams louder to establish dominance*
girlfriend: Should we do something?
boyfriend: No, I want to see who wins.
---
girlfriend: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
girlfriend: *Aggressively throws water bottles*
cassandra: Uh... what's up with them?
boyfriend: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
girlfriend: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
pico, getting emotional: It's working.
---
boyfriend: What do we think of cassandra?
*Pause*
pico: *Sighs* Nice pal.
girlfriend: I think they're gay.
---
pico: Dad!
cassandra: Yes?
pico: No, I meant the other one.
girlfriend: Uh, yeah..?
pico: No, you’re mom.
boyfriend: I assume by process of elimination… you mean me.
pico: Yep.
---
boyfriend, setting down a card: Ace of spades.
pico, pulling out an Uno card: +4.
cassandra, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you.
girlfriend, trembling: What are we playing?
---
cassandra: On the count of three, what’s your favorite cake?
cassandra & girlfriend: One, two, three-
cassandra & girlfriend: Chocolate cake, peanut butter frosting, and chocolate chunks!
boyfriend: Our turn, pico! One, two, three-
boyfriend: Vanilla!
pico: I’ve never had cake before. What is cake?
---
cassandra: You’re smiling. Did something happen?
pico: Can’t I smile because I want to?
girlfriend: boyfriend tripped and fell in the parking lot.
---
boyfriend: Where’s pico?
girlfriend: cassandra locked them in the bathroom.
cassandra: girlfriend! You weren’t supposed to tell anyone!
boyfriend: I’m cool with it.
---
cassandra, pointing to the wall: What color is this?
pico: Gray.
girlfriend: Grey.
cassandra, turning to boyfriend: Now tell them what color you think it is.
boyfriend: Dark white.
--
pico: I give up. I am so tired.
boyfriend: Get the emergency supply!
girlfriend: *Carries cassandra and places them in front of pico*
cassandra: *Smiles*
pico: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO.
---
girlfriend: How late were you up last night?
boyfriend & pico, in tandem: Me?
girlfriend: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time.
girlfriend, to cassandra: You.
---
girlfriend: How late were you up last night?
boyfriend & pico, in tandem: Me?
girlfriend: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time.
girlfriend, to cassandra: You.
---
girlfriend: You guys can’t keep bringing home ‘pets’. We’re going to have to implement a No Animals policy.
cassandra, holding a pigeon: That’s not fair!
pico: Yeah. You can’t just kick out boyfriend like that.
---
boyfriend: You’re just being paranoid. Again.
girlfriend: When have I been paranoid?
boyfriend: Um, when you first met cassandra you thought they were an undercover cop…?
girlfriend: No one has a wart that big, I thought it was a surveillance camera!
boyfriend: And last year you were sure pico was a mermaid!
girlfriend: They hate wearing shirts! COINCIDENCE?!
*Later, when girlfriend’s theory is proven wrong*
boyfriend: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
girlfriend: I still think pico is a mermaid.
---
boyfriend, trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff: Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?
pico: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.
girlfriend: I personally was created in a lab.
cassandra: I just straight up spawned
---
cassandra: I’m… grounded?
boyfriend: Yes. You’re grounded.
pico: We’re going to bury you until you’ve learned your lesson!
girlfriend: That’s not how grounding works.
---
pico: Why are cassandra and girlfriend sitting with their backs to each other?
boyfriend: They had a fight.
pico: Then why are they holding hands?
boyfriend: They get sad when they fight.
---
girlfriend: Hi!
Stranger: Go away.
girlfriend: *Sad*
cassandra, slowly: What did you say?
Stranger: I said-
cassandra: *Gets in fighting stance*
pico: *Glares*
boyfriend: *Pulls out a sword, because they have a sword*
Stranger: Hi, girlfriend.
---
cassandra: pico! I can't do this stupid math!
pico: What’s the math problem?
cassandra: Well, we have to add the bed, subtract the clothes divide the legs, and hope we don’t multiply.
girlfriend, covering boyfriend's ears, while pico smacks cassandra upside the head: Not going to lie that was hella smooth.
---
cassandra: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
boyfriend: No, that's not how you make cookies.
pico: FLOOR IT!!
cassandra: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
boyfriend: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
cassandra: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
boyfriend: DO IT!
girlfriend: NO-
---
cassandra: Everyone, synchronize your watches.
girlfriend: I don’t know how to do that.
boyfriend: I don’t wear a watch.
pico: Time is a construct.
---
pico: Which country has the most birds?
pico: Portu-geese!
cassandra: That's a language.
pico: Portu-gull?
cassandra: Good recovery.
girlfriend: I think you mean good re-dovery.
*Later*
boyfriend: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY?
---
pico, teaching cassandra to drive: Okay, you're driving and girlfriend and boyfriend walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
cassandra: Oh, boyfriend. I could never hurt girlfriend.
pico, massaging their temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.
---
pico, talking about boyfriend: Apparently we’re getting someone new in the group.
girlfriend: Are we stealing them?
cassandra: New or used?
pico: Wonderful responses, both of you.
---
pico: What the fuck is wrong with you??
boyfriend: What? No good morning?
pico: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??
---
boyfriend: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?
pico: ...Have you never taken a shower before?
---
boyfriend: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles?
pico: I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes.
---
girlfriend: I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.
cassandra: All I drank was Redbull!
girlfriend: How many?
cassandra: Eighteen.
---
cassandra: Don't worry, I have a few guns up my sleeves.
girlfriend: You mean tricks?
cassandra, shaking a small armory out of their sleeves: I did not.
---
cassandra: *Mindlessly flirting with girlfriend*
girlfriend: *Actually flirts back*
cassandra:
girlfriend:
girlfriend: You're not gonna say anything?
cassandra, panicking: I don't know. I didn't think I'd get this far.
---
cassandra: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?
girlfriend: What? Like J F K W S Q X-
cassandra: No, like, U R A Q T.
girlfriend: Awwww!
---
pico, pointing: May I sit there?
boyfriend: That's my lap
pico: That doesn't answer my question.
---
pico: Why does everyone assume we’re a couple?
boyfriend: *Sitting on boyfriend’s lap, playing with their hair*
boyfriend: Beats me.
---
boyfriend: God, give me a will to live.
*pico crashes into them*
boyfriend: Jesus Christ, OW.
pico: IACCIDENTALLYFELLASLEEPONTHECEILINGIMSORRY!
---
pico: My partner must be top of the line, graceful, organized-
boyfriend: Hey guys! I- *trips*
pico:
pico: I want that one.
cassandra: but you just said they had to be perfect?
pico: that. fucking. one.
---
boyfriend: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
pico: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
boyfriend: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
pico: Is it working?
---
girlfriend: Is something burning?
cassandra: Just my love for you.
girlfriend:
girlfriend: cassandra, the toaster is on fire.
---
girlfriend: Wow, cassandra, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
cassandra: We literally slept together yesterday.
girlfriend: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.
---
boyfriend: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.
pico: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one?
boyfriend: Seize the dick.
---
cassandra: Can you cut me some slack, girlfriend? I’m sort of in love.
girlfriend: I’m sorry, but that’s really not my problem.
cassandra: I’m in love with you.
girlfried: *Blushes* Oh. That brings me in the loop a little.
---
girlfriend: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you… cassandra and I are dating.
Everyone Else: *Gasp*
girlfriend: cassandra, why did you gasp?!
---
boyfriend: Are we fighting or flirting?
pico: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
boyfriend: kinky.
---
cassandra: Three words. Say them, and I'm yours.
girlfriend: Three words.
cassandra:
---
pico: Know why I called you in here?
boyfriend: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.
pico: *Stops pouring two jugs of pale ale.* Accidentally?
---
pico: *Yawns*
boyfriend: I guess being pretty is tiring.
pico: You must be exhausted, then.
boyfriend: *Gets overwhelmed*
---
girlfriend: I made you a friendship bracelet!
cassandra: Thanks, but you know I’m not the jewelry type.
girlfriend: Well, you don’t have to wear it-
cassandra: No I’m wearing it forever. Back off.
---
pico: Do you want to know your gay name?
boyfriend: My... my gay name?
pico: Yeah, it's your first name-
boyfriend: Haha. Very funny pico-
pico: *Gets down on one knee* And my last name.
boyfriend: Oh- oh my god.
---
girlfriend: So you like cats?
cassandra: Yeah.
girlfriend: *Tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table*
---
girlfriend: Look, last night was a mistake.
pico: A sexy mistake.
boyfriend: No, just a regular mistake.
---
boyfriend: Hey, pico, can you do the thing?
pico: What thing?
boyfriend: The thing that makes me happy.
pico: Oh. *Smiles*
boyfriend: Thank you.
---
cassandra: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
girlfriend: I wrote you a poem.
cassandra, already crying: You did?
---
boyfriend, explaining something: Any questions?
pico: *Raises hand*
boyfriend: Yes?
pico: I love you!
boyfriend: That’s… not a question.
pico: Oh, okay.
boyfriend, quietly but audible: I love you too.
---
girlfriend: I’m in love with you.
cassandra: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.
girlfriend: I know.
cassandra: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-
---
*boyfriend arguing with pico*
boyfriend: Just take what’s yours and go!
pico: Fine!
pico: *Tries to pick up boyfriend*
pico: Uh… Could you come with me?
---
girlfriend: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?
cassandra: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
girlfriend: Yes.
cassandra: I'd sleep.
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