A Shade of Ruin

[shadeofruin]

I was lonely tonight and nobody gives a shit. This is a state you’d think I’d be used to by now.

[shadeofruin]

Today’s Goal: Don’t kill self.

[shadeofruin]

No. Don’t do it. No good will come of it.

[nevver]

What we’re reading

[nevver]

Watch the closing doors

[shadeofruin]

Side effects really suck this time. Shakiness. Anxiety in overdrive. Random crying. Hard to focus on anything. It’s also making is very hard to do anything at all.

[shadeofruin]

Started the new medication today. Six hours later I get a sudden an inexplicable surge of anxiety and panic. This does not bode well.

[lovesickkk-deactivated20170203]

[shadeofruin]

It’s bad again.

Depression is currently manifesting as an inability to focus and get things done. I spent the last 20 minutes just staring off into space. The goddamn drugs are supposed to prevent this. I can survive the stream of rage and despondence and insomnia if I’m still getting shit done. I’m terrified of going on a new medication again though.

I feel weak and useless and the way out is made of bear traps.

[shadeofruin]

You haven’t known the depths of depravity until you’ve resented children for the mere act of being born.

[shadeofruin]

Why the fuck did I go look at her facebook page. WHY. Why. Why. Why.

I went from okay evening straight into I Need To Hurt Myself To Drown What Is In My Head Out mode and on the cusp of If I Have To Hurt Then Some One Else Should Suffer To mode.

If I had a time machine I would go back to 1996 and stop myself from taking up fencing. Life would have ended up pretty close to what it currently is. The difference being I’d have no friends here instead of a handful, but I would at least not by tormented by the mere knowledge of her existence.

So here I sit. One in the morning on a Saturday. Trying desperately to keep myself from jabbing something into my arm to distract me from what is in my skull. Alone. An after thought at best to anyone.

What an unnecessary existence this is.

[screenshotsofdespair]

[shadeofruin]

The noise in my head is back. This the only time when I legit feel crazy.

[shadeofruin]

I wish I had a friend who wanted to talk to me every day.

[screenshotsofdespair]

[screenshotsofdespair]

[nevver]

Peanuts