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Hannah Lee, 21 I've always wanted a place for my favourite quotes, pictures, thoughts, dreams and memories. This is that place, this is what the inside of my head looks like sometimes.

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Well there's something nice in every place.

When asked his favourite place

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I hope I never forget

That moment in Molly's, "we have to cheers," but to what? And you look around at the faces belonging to the raised shot glasses and you hold eyes with me briefly before raising you arm higher and yelling "to friendship!" The utmost faith, awe and hope in your voice.

That's a moment I hope I never forget. The look on your face, the tenor and tone of your voice, the lights, the company, I hope that stays with me always, I hope you do too.

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Love is not something you protect. It’s something you risk.

Gayle Forman, Just One Year

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Why

“Because, you are the light in a room. You walk into it and everybody smiles. That’s the type of person you are.”

Words I’d always knew I’d die to hear one day, from a boy I might love forever.

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It's not what I asked for Sometimes life just slips in through a back door And carves out a person And makes you believe it's all true And now I've got you.

She Used to Be Mine, Sara Bareille

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Big Sisters

I grew up the older sister, she grew up the younger. We had similar stories, and she was and is one of the strongest people I have ever known.

Life gets busy sometimes, it happens, but I am realizing even between the business there are very few people with whom you can maintain the honesty. Despite the space I mean.

So when she asks me how I am, I tell her. I am not very good. It has been a very rough couple of months. My sky has a lot of clouds right now. And suddenly in those clouds is light. Is her positivity, the result of her ever-resilient father. There is her faith, her confidence that I will get through this. That I am strong, though I don’t feel it. Capable, though I often forget this. 

Life gets busy sometimes. It happens. The sky gets dark sometimes. Even the wettest places on Earth can benefit from yet more rain. But if there is a rainbow, if there is any flash of colour in all this, it is not her. It is me. She just needed to remind me, to help me see.

That’s what honorary big sisters are for. To tell you that you will move through all this with flying colours. That you are the colour, and that you are flying, moving through. Everything is temporary, even pain, even grief, even hardship. 

This too shall pass, is her message. And I am grateful for it.

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The best part about travelling isn't the sights or any other of the touristy things...it's these little pockets of life you get to see, to experience and be a part of. Those are what change you, those are why you travel, and you can't plan those, not even a little. They are accidents. My favourite one? Walking through Harpenden England with my Grandma's cousin and hearing a jazz band playing. We'd decided to walk home, but ended up walking until we found the restaurant they were playing, then we ordered a beer and sat for a while and just listened.

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My singular goal at this moment is to never pause my life because you are not here. My aim is to live it fully and happily, to not count down the days until we are together, but to treasure the time I get with you and appreciate all the time I have without you. I am lucky. I have a life on my own and a life with you, I have both and in that I have everything.

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Professor said to his students, “You all have a little bit of ‘I want to save the world’ in you, that’s why you’re here, in college. I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.”

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I am not a mother and I don’t claim to be, but I hope to be one day. Today, I have one little being that depends on me. She is not human, but furry. She’s different then a real baby. She won’t ever grow up, and have a life and be my legacy, but she’s the best training wheels I could ever have for a human baby.

See, she needs me, a lot. She needs my attention, my care, my love. And in return for all these things she loves me back. She gives the best kisses and cuddles, and even when she’s bad I know I’m her entire world.

So of course, when the fire alarm went off and the hallway filled with smoke I grabbed her. I cuddled her to my chest, and felt her little heart beat wildly as I stood with her outside. People looked at me a little strangely, but she is my baby, and she was scared. She snuggled her head under my chin and buried her tiny face in my shoulder and kissed me nervously, but she was okay because she had me.

I’m okay because I have her. That’s the beautiful thing about pets. Everyone thinks you save an animal when it comes to you to be loved, and maybe you do, but we should be the thankful ones. Animals save us.

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“That’s what you’re going to remember...the visual stuff. Like the moment you had with her brother, his face when he pushed through everyone to see his face when he saw you. How that was the moment if became real. He knew who you were to her, and who you were to him, and his face told you it was all real. It gave you permission to grieve.”

“You’re going to remember your dad telling you how her mom started crying the second she saw you walk in the door...I think she was crying because you showing up meant you forgave her for keeping her daughter from you.”

“You’ll remember her dad knowing exactly who you were 12 years later.”

“You’ll know that you mattered, and that you showing up there mattered, for you and for them, and for everything you had with her. But knowing you mattered makes it feel real, and that’s when the floodgates open and the grief starts.”

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Home

And just like that I realize he’s everywhere. He’s a song in the car that I turn up loud. He’s every time something reminds me of him. He’s home, and he’s also not. He’s my best friend, but that’s all and honestly that’s probably all he’s meant to be, but I love him for that.

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When grief becomes a competition, or even when it feels that way, it’s best to take a step back.

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An Honest Obit

Dear Kaya,

When we were eight years old we had a falling out. It seems silly to even think about that now. It was so long ago. It almost feels like another lifetime, but it wasn’t. It was ours.

Honestly, being eight is tough and in our case mean girls made it harder.You thought I made I choice against you, and you never forgave me for it. We were little, I was scared, but those wounds still go deep and I always understood your anger. Looking back you were right, I could have made it easier on you and I’ve always been sorry I didn’t. I wish I told you that before now, or at least told you sober. 

Because, from before I can remember to that snowy eight-year-old ultimatum you were my best friend. My first ever friendship necklace, partner in crime and everything else best friend. 

You were the person I spent hours on the ice with in your backyard. You were the holder of all my secrets, the only person I told about my first crush. You were the one I giggled with over secret codes names for boys we liked. The one helped me dress up our brothers in wigs and my old clothes for a fashion show. You’re the one who made me feel smart and pretty and creative, and I loved you so much.  You were kind, self-righteous, smart, and so brave.

You were my best friend before I even knew what that meant. And now you’re gone.

Today, everyone has been posting old pictures of you and sharing memories but mine will stay here and in my head. See, I gave up the right to mourn you so publicly when I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most, but that doesn’t mean I’m not devastated.

I always wanted the best for you. I watched from afar as you got the high school sweetheart love you dreamed of, just like your parents had. I silently cheered you on while wondering if you were going to become a teacher, or if those were just eight year old dreams of the past. 

I found out today you were gone, and my heart broke into pieces. I broke yours when we were little but I always hoped you were happy. You, my daring, adventurous, quiet, smart, kind, beautiful childhood friend deserved to be happy. You deserved to grow up and hate me for things that happened 20 years ago, and have children with Zach and grow old with. 

I’m so sorry you won’t get to do that. I’m so sorry I wasn’t the friend you needed then, I didn’t know how to be then, but I’m much better at it now. I grew up well I think. I think you’d be proud.

I won’t be sharing this anywhere, but I hope wherever you are you can read these words, and know how much I loved you. How much I’m going to miss you, and how sorry I am.

Goodbye my first best friend, I know heaven has a place in it just for you.

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I almost just texted him "I wish I didn't love you so much," I almost wish I did. I almost wish I could.

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And in that moment I realize how lucky I am. She's talking about needing to bring her pillow and blanket and some clothes and I'm understanding that only someone who loves you best, better than you love yourself, can offer something like that. Only the best friend, the other half of your heart can know how to make you feel not at all alone by offering something you didn't know was an option. J might be close to my heart, in its cracks and crevices but he still can't be there like she can. It makes me sure I'll always need her and I am even more sure I might be the luckiest person in any world to have her. She knows my heart, better than I do even. She loves me better than anyone but my dad and to call her my best friend is the worst understatement. She is my person. I pray to God that even through husbands and children and life, she always will be.

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