Dying to be Myself

29, Overweight, Anxiety and Depression are my only friends, Bisexual (closeted in Reality) trying time be myself, feel free to message me. Keep your hate to yourself, please. I have plenty for myself. 

[neothesamoyed]

What’s poppin’

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

So what started out as a nightly promise quickly died. Not that it matters to anyone but me. But still I felt I should list my excuses.  1) I had a sudden and nearly violent bout of nausea and head pain. Brought on by inner ear issues that haunt me from childhood. 

2) Thanksgiving itself and then Xmas tree assembly. Which if they were my own, wouldn’t be an excuse but I’m a servant in a house of masters and I wasn’t permitted to not participate. Also my supposedly loving cousin called me “lazy”, “bitchy”, and “hateful” all night long. No not joking. Its a long story. 

3) I had my mouth busted up by a Hot wheels car. It wasn’t an accident and didn’t cause permanent damage I don’t think. 

So starting tomorrow morning, I will be posting the previous days accomplishments. Thanks so much. Good luck. 🍀 

[thegoodvybe]

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

Dear Reader,

I’ve spent a lot of my life avoiding making decisions. In fact, if I think too long about anything, I’ll change my mind. I worry over every little piece of information and freak myself out. Anxiety is powerful that way. Today I tried every trick I have for putting of decisions. None of them worked for long. The thoughts just kept circling and landing right back in front of me. I know I made a promise to myself to make changes and create a plan for myself. It’s just that Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I wanted to give myself time. Time to come to terms with this, times to spend with family, time to make memories to cherish. I just wanted these last few days to be good. Of course, wanting doesn’t make it happen. I finally had to make these decisions or be driven crazy from putting them off. I’ve decided to leave. I can’t get “a real” or regular job because I don’t have a car or place to live. But I’m a nanny. I have done this work for years. I’ve lived and worked in five different states and had offers from three other countries. I can do this work and I will. I’m looking for nanny work and I’m going to use it to save up. I’m going to get my own place and start a from home business. I like crafts and creating things, why not sell those things and make a little cash? Now I know it’s hard to make a living that way, so while I get a decent clientele and supply system set up, I’m going to keep on being a nanny and or baby sitter. Keep the child care work steady and then break away from it. I can do this. I know I can. Tomorrow’s challenge will be coming up with a way to get money for travel, clothes, and luggage. I haven’t been paid for work in over two years. All the clothes I have are stolen or several years old. I was planning to wait until after thanksgiving to apply for work, but that no longer sits well with me. I’m applying tomorrow as well. Wish me luck. 🍀

[thepowerwithin]

You deserve the strongest of loves, the most uncontrollable laughter, and a genuine, forever lasting happiness. Please don’t ever forget that.

Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin | Twitter

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

Seek and ye shall find.

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

Instant Family on Hulu

If you haven’t seen this movie, you really should. It’s a movie about adoption that isn’t just sunshine and rainbows. There are good times and bad times. They try really hard but it doesn’t always turn out the way they intend. In fact, the children’s birth mother comes back into the picture just when things are getting settled. I cried. Ugly cried. More than once. But I love this movie. 11/10

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

Today’s checklist is very similar to yesterday’s but that’s okay with me. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking today.

[thepowerwithin]

“Go where ever it is you want to go. Travel to the places you feel calling to you. You don’t have to experience every nook and cranny on the planet, but know that each and every one is open for you to see and appreciate.”

— Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

I wish I could see the entire world and experience the beauty of every country. Alas that’s not to be. I’ll never see any the way I’m going, but I’m trying to do better. It’s a goal.

[minuty]

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

I’ve really struggled with fear in my life. I’ve made the conscious decision to do better. It’s hard. But I want a life filled with glorious things and wonder. I can’t have that hiding in my bed.

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

Well Yesterday is done and I’m glad for it. But tomorrow and the days ahead are going to be really bad for me emotionally and to that end, I had a horrible day diet wise. I had chocolate bar, brownies, and hot cocoa today. I’m depressed about it and I’m sad. Really sad. I’m lonely too. It’s a family holiday and I don’t have a family. I have blood relatives, but they don’t love me. They don’t even know me. But aside from that, I can’t even go see them. The cousin I’m staying with, won’t take to see them. I don’t get paid for my work so I can’t go in my own. This is way too long already. Good nights and good luck. 🍀

[greatmindquotes]

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” - George Bernard Shaw

[90377]

Untitled by ezook

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

Skin care.

So my face has started breaking out all over the place. I’m thirty years old. This is not okay. I know a lot of it is stress related. But some of it is old fashioned mistreatment of self. I’m going to be doing some research and looking into different options for myself, but I would love some advice on what works and doesn’t for everyone else. I don’t have a lot of money to invest in this, but It’s my body and I need to treat it better. Thanks. Good luck. 🍀

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

So last night I didn’t get to post my check list. Unexpected family visit and an unexpected shift with work made that impossible. And unfortunately I’ve been working since last night. Finally got a break and hopefully I’ll have the rest of the week off. Although today was bad enough that I’m seriously considering a drastic measure. ( not life threatening measure)

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

So last night I didn’t get to post my check list. Unexpected family visit and an unexpected shift with work made that impossible. And unfortunately I’ve been working since last night. Finally got a break and hopefully I’ll have the rest of the week off. Although today was bad enough that I’m seriously considering a drastic measure. ( not life threatening measure)

[catasters]

[shadow-mamma-blog1]

So tonight’s checklist is the same as last nights. I did accomplish a bit more but I’m still working towards completing all daily goals. I have been feeling a bit stressed these day with Christmas coming up and me having no money. But all in all I enjoy having a concrete way to look back at the day and see what I’ve done. Good luck. 🍀