walledoffheart:
Magnus wasn’t sure what answer he’d expected but somehow that- Alec saying he didn’t want to be immortal- had never even occurred to him. Stupid. So stupid. It hurt. It hurt like a knife to the chest. What hurt the worst was that he suddenly realized he’d been making a foolish assumption based on what… what he thought his Alec would have wanted. Or would have been okay with.
Of course Alec, now, wouldn’t want… wouldn’t want to live forever.
And even though it was fair, and what he had expected, it still stung that Alec didn’t feel for him like he felt for Alec. Did he… did he feel for him at all? Or was it just about Alec feeling safe with him? His eyes burned and he blinked rapidly. He suddenly wished that he hadn’t admitted it.
It was… it was fine, wasn’t it, if that was all it was. If all that Alec ever felt was grateful, it was fine. As long as he was safe.
He swallowed, arms loosening so Alec could turn. He felt his eyes on him even in the dark and he swallowed again. He blinked again and nodded.
“Haven’t I been this whole time?” he asked, voice thick and uncertain. “You don’t owe me your feelings, you don’t owe me anything. You feel… you feel what you feel.” He closed his eyes, swallowing again around words he didn’t want to say. “I can try to help you,” he said finally, the words feeling like glass in his throat. “Try to become mortal again.”
There it was, the reason Alec hadn’t wanted to say anything before. He knew that saying something would spoil the whole mood, the rest of their night. Even though Magnus said one thing, he could tell from the man’s tone, the thickness in his voice that he felt the complete opposite. The other was just trying to make him feel better, going against his own wants. When the other offered to help him become mortal again, it hurt. He wanted it, but he didn’t want it from Magnus, not from the person that it would hurt the most.
“Don’t worry about it.” Alec sat up, pulled his knees to his chest. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.” He squeezed his legs tight against him, let his chin rest atop his knees. “And I don’t owe you my feelings, I know that. But I do...” he bit his lip, tried to phrase it in his head before he said something stupid again. “My feelings are my own, and there’s something there. For you. I just... there’s so much going on and I’m trying to figure myself out. I just... I can’t right now.”
He pressed his forehead to his knees, feeling the tears burning at his eyes. “I feel like I’m just using you and all I do is keep hurting you.”









