Average Joe

Just your average Joe screaming into the void.

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

recovery: rewrite

It is a war, a bloody, violent, heart wrenching war. A constant trial set by your own mind. You are the judge, jury, and executioner. You decide your fate. This can be scary, and often is. Have courage, you are the warrior you make yourself out to be, youre not faking it, you are living it. Your story is your own. never let anyone take your courage and make it little, for it is anything but a small victory. 

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Recovery

It’s not a battle, it’s a war. A consistent, violent, bloody thing that causes just as much pain as it alleviates. Learning to accept that I will not kill myself has proven impossible, and taking the steps to recovery has caused just as many problems as it has solved. However, I know that this is not the end. I have decided not to die. Not dying is not the same as living though, and I haven’t figured out how to live yet. This is the first step of my recovery, not only surviving, but living. Breathing without regret. Peace is why I always wanted to commit suicide, I wanted peace so badly I was willing to die for it. I still don’t have it. Because Peace is not something you find, It’s something you build. It takes an inner strength that I do not currently posses. I will find the strength to get up off the ground and to lift the stones and to build my fortress of self worth. There is much work to do.   

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

TW

I can’t feel anything but suicidal. 

and even that doesn’t hurt me anymore. 

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

incapable

love is a fairytail

affection is an impossible task

a kiss is a lie

a hug is a hidden smirk

sex is a hammer, that is 

that it is a tool to be used 

compliments are tricks

insults are always true

being ignored is to be expected

hungry eyes are never only for me

desperate hands only touch what is necessary

my statue is made of driftwood

my rotting hand reaches for help,

but it is only seen as promiscuity 

my eyes are incapable

of seeing green, or gold, or silver

or worth 

my worth

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

Though of the day

my soul floats in an ocean full of waves that won’t stop knocking me over

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

Trigger warning, Sexual assault.

I don’t know what makes me want to talk about this so much, perhaps because it was so prevalent in my life. Sex has never been beautiful to me. It has always been something dirty, disgusting, a tool used to make me feel nothing more than worthless. I am tired of feeling like a victim. I am tired of being weak. I am tired of writing about it, talking about it, but i can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking about thier hands, so many hands that have burned my body. I can still see the scars on my ribcage from where they left their handprints. 

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

“edgy”

I am not trying to be edgy by any of the things i write, i am not trying to be anything, i write what comes to my mind, nothing more, sometimes less. in any event, everything i write is authentic. 

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

thought of the day

nothing is truly private, we are always being watched, observed. humanity is perverted. we have a sick fascination with ourselves, we constantly look for those who share the same perversions as us. For me, abnormality is not a dirty word, i do not see the stigma behind it. I believe that we all have our perversions, some are far worse, far more dark than others. who is to say that anyone is truly innocent, children can be evil, animals can be evil, nobody is insusceptible to it, it’s natural. This is not an apology for evil people, i will not be labeled as a rape/criminal apologist. all i’m saying is that i understand. We all have a choice, to use restraint, to use our conscience, to be decent, and we all slip at some point, some of us choose to live there in the most perverse parts of humanity. they justify it in whatever way they need to in order to be able to sleep at night. We are closer to them than we realize. you walk on a tightrope of good in a world of evil. If we would just learn to fly, maybe the world would be a better place. 

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

absence

its been a long time since i’ve posted. i’ve lacked inspiration. ive lacked the drive to truly speak my mind. I would say im sorry, but i won’t put half ass shit on here. this blog is for me. to say, to write, to think whatever i want. for those of you who see what i post, for those of you who listen, thank you.  

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

Trigger Warning

Google Searches

Suicide

Why I shouldn’t kill myself

Why I should kill myself

How to slit your wrists without it hurting

Where to get Vicodin

The perfect suicide note

Why my family hates me

Why my friends hate me

Why I have friends

Why my family loves me

Why I should love myself

Good places to meet people

How to know they like you

When to pop the question

Wedding dresses

Pregnancy symptoms

How to potty train

The best way to give “the talk”

Cost of drivers Ed

Good colleges

What to do with an empty nest

When is it a good time to retire?

Life insurance.

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

Thought for today

Torture the weak

Kill the righteous 

Murder the disciples of love

This is what Christianity has become. Bring God back, you stopped letting him into your heart a long time ago. He loves ALL. no matter the sexuality, color, socioeconomic status, whether they do sex work, or are the CEO of a company. Every human with love in their hearts that exists on this planet is doing his work, whether they believe in him or not. Whether they have had an abortion or not. He gave us free will to make our decisions for a reason. He believes in us, whether or not we believe in him. I cannot say i am a christian, but i can say that i know how it it supposed to be, and this just isn’t it.

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

Recovery

Sometimes it isn’t about smiling and laughing genuinely for once.

Sometimes it’s about doing the laundry, and folding it, and putting it away, and not feeling like a failure for not doing so for so long. 

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

Thoughts on Being Positive

It’s impossible to be happy 24/7. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling sad, depressed, or anxious, even if it feels that way all the time. Take all of the emotions you feel in stride. After all, without sadness, the happy times wouldn’t be happy times, they’d just be a time. So cling to the few happy bits you get, don’t look for a reason for them to be unhappy, and go with the flow. Life is boring without variety, so have your cake, and eat it too.

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

The Aftershower

Warning: Graphic content depicting sexual assault

Trauma can be defined two ways, as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience, or a severe physical injury. At the time, it didn’t feel disturbing or distressing. In fact, it felt like nothing at all, it was as if I was submerged in the womb of another dimension. Warm, blissfully unaware of the violation taking over my physical form. On earth, all my eyes saw were warm, tan fingers on a pale, cold body. While it was happening, I noticed the tornado of hands surrounding my body, there were only four, but I saw four-thousand. The worst part about the trauma is not the trauma itself, it’s what happened after.

My worn, threadbare, purple t-shirt used to be my favorite one of all, I wore it to bed nearly every night for over a year. The cotton was soft and comfortable, the logo on the front had long since worn away, and I often wondered what was on it originally. The fuzzy pajamas were brand new, I had planned on wearing them for Christmas day, because when you’re fifteen you don’t take into account the unexpected. The night of September 14th, 2015 is the night that those warm, fuzzy, clothes turned into sand paper. The day that “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green day was put into an entirely different perspective.

The bathroom was two feet away from my door, but it may as well have been two light years away. The quiet shameful shuffle resembled that of a nursing home patient, and my arms were clutched around my torso like pythons, not in a negative way, but in a way that was comforting given the circumstances. In that moment, I was a corpse, a zombie that had been lobotomized, and I never wanted to leave the warm serenity of that other dimension.

I hung my head that shower until the water turned cold, focusing on just the water, watching it glisten and shine as it fell. It reminded me of Christmas lights, of innocence, and a time where it would be easier to forget. The frigid streams made my spine curl and my head explode with fireworks but I didn’t care. The numbing pain was a welcome distraction, because if the water stopped, it would be time to face the reality of what had occurred. Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours, and all that my mind and body felt, heard, smelled, tasted, saw, thought about was the crystalline water assaulting my skin and dulling every sense I had. It was as if all the clocks in the world had stopped and the earth had stopped spinning, pinning me into the cramped space of cold metal, plastic, and water.

However, despite the gallons and gallons of water used in the Aftershower, nothing will ever compare to the amount of tears that cascaded down my face. The pools of blood that decorated my thighs in the days to come couldn’t hold a candle to the faucets of my eyes. I thought I had known true pain and suffering until the Aftershower. Ignorance truly is bliss.  

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

Late evening thought

It’s hard to follow your heart when your brain won’t shut the fuck up. 

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

today I learned something

Today I learned that I am worthless, today I learned that my body isn’t enough for those around me. I learned that my face isn’t pretty enough, that no amount of makeup could make them want me. That my personality isn’t compatible for those around me. Today i learned that no matter how much i try i am not going to be acceptable to society. I can’t be “normal” (whatever that means) I can’t be conventionally beautiful. 

  But.

I also learned that i am unique. I learned that i am beautiful. I learned that I am worthy. I looked into the mirror and i saw something statuesque staring back at me. I saw the pale green and brown of my eyes and i saw something beautiful, something that is impossible for others to truly understand. I saw every valley and curve of my fat stomach and i loved it. I saw my elephant trunk thighs and i reveled in their vast perfection. all the scars that paint my canvas are beautiful. I learned that no matter who rejects me, i will never reject myself. Today i learned that there is nothing more powerful than true self love. Love conquers all. 

[shamelessdelusiontyrant]

Thoughts on progress

progress is a pressure that people put on themselves for self improvement. (and sometimes others as well) there is nothing wrong with that per say, but the point of progress is not to stress yourself out about changing to the point that you don’t make any. the point of progress is to make yourself feel that you have accomplished something for YOURSELF. only you can make progress and you can only do so on your own time. it’s okay if you don’t make any. its okay if you do. its okay if it only a fraction of a percent that you manage. If you have been feeling depressed latley, and stayed in bed way to much that is okay. Simply remind yourself that you will get out of bed. you will brush your hair. you will take a shower, and clean your room like you’ve been meaning to for weeks. Find that thing you have been meaning to do and do it to the best of your ability. Don’t measure your life in leaps and bounds, measure it in baby steps and tiny movements. maybe you didn’t get out of bed. But maybe you at least sat up. maybe you didn’t clean your room, but at least you brushed your hair, or took the time to look at it. to acknowledge that it needs cleaned, even if you don’t have the energy to do so. maybe you at least made a list of things that need to be done, even if you didn’t do them. Maybe you didn’t go to those plans you made, but at least you made them in the first place. find comfort in the little things you have accomplished, and let it snowball into bigger things.