They say mercrury is in retrograde. I feel it whether or not it means anything.
Life has been incredibly difficult these last few months.
My parents came into town in september and that was lovely. Right before that I had started meditating regularly which was giving my mind freedom ad peace.
Not long after however, I've been dealing with gossip and harassment/abuse of power from my manager and it's been an ongoing thourough investigation at this point. I've also been dealing with a difficult unsatisfying relationship with my partner whom ive been living with for a little under a year. It's been basically sex-less for 4-5 months---with the occasional short f*ck. Our schedules have been opposite mostly, and the truth of our sexualities being incompatible has been showing. I've felt neglected when it comes to receiving pleasure, and it really sucks. Especially when sex is a strong love language of mine.
That, along with wanting to leave Portland so I can build a better life economically and be closer to my parents who are across the country.....it's all a lot and it's all just sad. Especially since we have a cat who loves me, and my partner has a kid who I love.
After practicing polyamory for a good 8 years, I have decided a more traditional mogomous relationship is something I'm starting to want. That is more clear to me being 121 days sober. My partner also is not sober and doesn't want to be. Weve been together for a little over 4 years total with a year off in between. Our values are different. I'm a lot more spiritual and want to grow in life. I can't do that much in this city. They're stuck by custody contract in portland.
Being almost 31, dealing with a flurry of chronic health issues, I'm realizing my ability to reproduce has a time limit, and it's getting closer and closer to that time each day. I never wanted kids in the past, but I know i've always been great with kids and when i envision my future, a more satisfactory and heart filled future has children of my own in it, whether they be adopted or birthed. One or two. I don't see kids with this partner in my future though. And it's sad.
At my current state, I lack resources to move out, unless I were to room with complete strangers. I'm saving saving saving. And first thing I'm saving for is a car, as I've been without one for almost two years now.
There are resources where my parents live, but that is all the way in Tennessee. It's so damn far. I've accumulated things from living on my own. I'm working on letting go of attachment to them, but it's challenging.
There is so much grief in me. Grief for the loss of friendships and family, due to deaths, and my own choices made when i was in a state of survival mode during my time stripping.
Stripping took years from me. It reinforced my eating disorder, and disordered ways of being in general. I was raped once, and sexually assaulted basically every shift, but....I had money. Lots of it. Then I decided I needed to get out, and it went quick. I'm a working class citizen again. I am certified to teach yoga, but there's not really any market that feels worth it in my soul. Id have to teach online and work at a lot of places for the same wage I make now, and put my body though a lot.
Inflation is through the roof. It's hard right now. I'm surviving right now, and trying my best to get myself places.
Sobriety has left me feeling lonely-----but i am at least grateful to have community at my climbing gym. I crave more intimacy. Raw, honest, passionate intimacy. I'll get there. I've been told I'm a fighter and I'm strong. I have been crying a lot lately. Nothing is permanent. I've been through hell. I'll probably go through more. But I will get through it, and I'm grateful to have the parents I have.
That's all for now. I haven't journaled in a while. Sometimes it's on paper, today it felt more right to do it here.
Sending love and strength to all who need it today <3
Nameste
origamiaround
kianamaiart
stormborns
areudirty
