Poly Journal

[shebreakstherules]

I'm done with belligerent and abusive humans regardless of their upbringing or choice of intoxicants. People who say awful things without regard for the feelings of others. Who cannot exercise restraint when they're upset. Who perpetually see the worst in themselves and others and then wonder why they aren't treated better. Done and fucking done.

[beautiful-blue-eyed-girl]

[little-lovely-sub]

Just going to throw out there that Doms needs aftercare too. No matter how sadistic he may be, he needs reassured and comforted and cared for as well!

[myhandinyourhairwhileiwhisper]

🌊

[shebreakstherules]

Spots, progress 2017

Had a profound day with Spots yesterday. Then today, hours and hours and hours without a word. No idea where she is, who she’s with, what she’s doing. I have lots of relationships where I don’t know what they’re doing from week to week, day to day, hour to hour. This... is different. We are different. She’s family. I know where Tristan, Finley, Carley all are. Every week, every day, every minute. I know where Ethan is most days, and he lives 700 miles away and I only see him a few times a year. So when we go hours and hours without a word I feel... unimportant. Unthought of. After a day of being the center of the universe... that’s really hard. After the great Lion implosion of 2016 my Zen, my self possession, has been absurdly fragile. This thing between us makes me... extreme. Heightened. The lows are the lowest. The highs are unbelievable. Today I didn’t implode. I didn’t contemplate ending this insanity. Freeing myself from the greatest and the worst feelings I’ve known. I waited. Quietly. I rode the insanity like a great wave. I held it in my heart in the desert. I allowed each moment to pass. Seconds, minutes, hours. They eased by. I focus on trust. Love. Hope. Passion. This is temporary. Her unintentional thoughtlessness is whim. She is unbridled chaos. She is what she is. If I expect nothing I can not be disappointed. 

So I sit here at 2 am. Words flowing out. A different way to deal than what was before. What was before was unsustainable. Now what do I ask her for? Aftercare? After we’ve been supremely intimate to not ... fall off the map? To loop me into her life so I don’t feel left in the cold. I tell her I don’t own her. She says I do, then... days like this I know I’m right. We are tidal. Our waves slam into shore, overpowering everything before them... then moments later retreat beyond the horizon. Their power just a memory.

[shebreakstherules]

Spots, she wakes me up and then destroys me

The waves of this ocean bring us together. Closer, closer, closer. As one we draw a shuddering breath in climax. She feels like mine. I feel like hers.

We have these days that draw us in. Like a star pulling the cosmos in around it. We feel as inexorable as gravity. Until a supernova of closeness and intimacy. There are words. Secret whispering witnessed only by our rumpled sheets, disheveled pillows, and our perspiration covered bodies. Promises for the lives we’ve written and the future we barely have the courage to imagine.

After the supernova of these moments there is sometimes the dark day after. In the wake of light from that shock wave of bliss... is the immeasurably cold darkness of space, filling a void of seemingly infinite distance.

Alone. The only thing left to me is my sanity as it teeters on the knife edge of the infinite void that’s been left behind.

[shebreakstherules]

I’m an addict: a realization

Realized after not seeing Spots for over a week and then seeing her for an hour that I’m an addict. First, I go through a period of withdrawal. I act insane. Dramatic. Pout. Tantrums. I have a need that exceeds my threshold for self control and regulation. Then I see her and it’s like this hit. A rush. A high. Clouds break, rain clears, rainbows are seen. I’m so full inside. Today I got a high concentration dose and I’m so full inside. So insanely in love. I am altered by this thing.

[shebreakstherules]

Spots, an introduction

Spots is trouble. Mostly, I think, because she over promises and under delivers. She’s magic when she’s with me, but when she isn’t... it’s torture. Because I love her passionately, deeply. Because she’s a part of me, but we’re often apart. Because I care too much and I also expect too much. We were 24/7 D/s. Like babes in the woods. Over and over we tripped and fell and didn’t learn. Finally we had a week of minor breakdowns and failures and I realized that my perception of our relationship, of myself, and her was severely out of alignment with reality. Since then my Zen has been rabidly out of balance along with my self-possession. I’ve been unsure of myself and us ever since. We’ve rebooted the relationship, but my expectations continue to significantly exceed the threshold of what we can actually make real.

Spots is married. She’s in a DADT situation (updated: apparently her husband knows that we’re going out, but doesn’t want to know any details, officially, this blows my mind). From what I assume, her husband needs plausible deniability about her extra-curriculars. This makes it difficult to arrange and schedule time for us to be together. She’s also been in an incredibly high pressure job that has been an enormous time commitment. She’s usually late, sometimes by hours. More than a few times she cancels plans. Usually these things are out of her control. Often when she’s been drinking. When she drinks it can be to excess, though less lately. When she does indulge in excess she can be extremely erratic.

On the other hand, when we’re together it is magic. Even when it’s just a few minutes. It’s like a cloud break and a brilliant sun beam shines down and perfectly illuminates how lucky I am and how much joy I have to be with her.

We used to be more in each others lives, but that was when her marriage was on the rocks. Things have improved enormously and unfortunately the cost to our relationship hasn’t been trivial. I’m glad her marriage is more stable and pleasant, but I miss thinking of her as mine.

[shebreakstherules]

First, an introduction

First there is a concept, then there is consideration as that concept is refined. Then there is a plan. Finally, steps are taken to make that plan happen... or not. This tumblr is an idea to note the highs and lows, the remarkable about my relationships. These posts are meant for my own recollection and aren’t intended as entertainment. I may or may not share them with my loves and lovers. Ideas evolve and I expect this to as well.

I’ll be referring to my primary as Rabbit, her girlfriend as Acorn. My Girlfriend as Spots. Other guests may show up from time to time. Other actors that are relevant in a non-platonic way. Al, Mary, NJ, D, S. That’s more than enough outfielders, base men, and pinch hitters. These aren’t people I’m in active relationship with, but have hovered on the edge of my romantic or sexual consciousness.