she'll never be mine.

i yearned for her; i longed for her; i dreamt about her and i thought it would be that way forever. i was wrong.

[shes-not-mine]

welcome to my blog; take a look around.

i leave this blog behind, as a thirteen year old, called “m”. i wrote poems about sapphic yearning and my english teacher “sol”. this is an archive of the love letters i wrote for her. i have moved on from her, or more so trying to, but there is no denying how much they meant to me. the blog, the poems, they all stay.

important links and info here

[shes-not-mine]

to those who still follow me,

though i have not posted on here in a year (and do not intend to restart), i’ve realised many still engage with my account, through likes and reblogs.

i have met many brilliant people in the tc community and intend to post new content on @inked-stars where i will talk about a new (platonic) tc. as the nature of this crush differs from the whole i had on sol, my posts will not be the same and will be more casual. i’m considering posting poems of my new tc however i’m still navigating my new account and my new feelings. even if i don’t post poetry, i still want to maintain a poetic tone to my blog, which i hope you may enjoy.

i know this post may come as a surprise to some (it’s surreal to be posting here myself) but i hope to see some of you guys on my new account <3

— love, m

[shes-not-mine]

my dearest, sol,

you’ve taught me for two years. a third year in september now. i believed i was in love with you - but what even is love to me when i cannot find the words to define it. but, it was never true. my schoolgirl crush on you was deluded with fantasies i had of you, but never of you. my insecurities, my broken home, my dreams manifested into this attachment i had on you.

you were constantly on my mind, and i dreamt and dreamt for you to notice me. and you did, god it felt so good; i felt so special,  but not in the way i wanted. you gave me attention, you gave me care, you gave me the support i never found in my mother. you were there to fill the empty, aching shell of my absent mother figure.

believing i was in love with you has been fun, even when i started to see it wasn’t true. you were my muse, my phaon to my sappho. poetry spouted out of me like a waterfall, and those who loved unrequitedly came drinking with parched throats. i’ve met many beautiful people, baring stories similar to mine, because of my endearment of you. and, i thank you for that.

however, it’s time to move on now before this unrequited feeling drives me to insanity. phaon did not love sappho, yet sappho loved her. my sol, you never loved me, yet i loved you. i shall not be driven to such a tragedy, by your unreciprocated love. i shall see in again september, but with new eyes. goodbye.

— my last love letter to you

[shes-not-mine]

i am planning to take a break from my blog.

i’ve realised that the reason why i have “developed” romantic feelings for my teacher, who i call sol, is because of my underlying mummy issues.

i suppose i’ve always know this, but it’s only now it’s really hit me.

i might come back, and post the poetry already in my drafts, but discovering this, i think it’s best for me to take a break.

i need time to think, and reflect, and talk about my problems.

i hope you all understand <3

[lesbians4mitski]

want to sit in a dim but warmly lit bedroom whilst a girl leans in close and tenderly kisses my cheek and takes my hand in hers. we don’t even need to talk, we just need to be together.

[shes-not-mine]

you see her in aphrodite herself

-to call them beautiful, is an understatement, for she holds the universe in their eyes

[shes-not-mine]

last day of school

i see you standing at the end of the hall this is it, this is the last time i will see you in months i want to feel your embrace once more, i ache of longing, and wanting i am sick of wishing, and waiting

i approach you, asking if i can hug you before i leave my heart heaves in my chest; i feel sick, yet i know i would regret it otherwise

a moment passes you don't quite hear me i ask again my voice is small, and i feel even smaller another moment passes i ask louder, on the edge of breaking down

and you say yes, is this a dream? you take me into your arms god, you know i miss the feeling you rub my back i feel at home

we let go, and i smile you tell me to stay in touch over the holidays we say our final goodbyes

i shall say hello again in september

[shes-not-mine]

you complimented my makeup today; i doubt you'll ever know what that means to me to have someone you have poured your soul, your heart, the entirety of your being too, mirror your adoration, even if it is a fraction of it

[shes-not-mine]

you were never mine in the first place but the serpent of your name carved in someone else's heart has the same poison in its fangs as the serpent that would be if you belonged to me

its bite intoxicated me with jealousy, infecting my bloodstream, and every inch of my being but i have no right to be this way, for i am not yours, and you are not mine

yet, why do i present the same symptoms as someone who watched their lover fall for someone else doctor, oh doctor, can you cure me of this ailment may i mistake these feelings for something they are not

[shes-not-mine]

Big hug from someone who is almost 12 years older but had their first teacher crush about the same age as you ❤ the internet can be a scary place sometimes so please make sure that you're safe!

aaa! i'm so sorry that i'm only seeing this now! this was probably from a few months ago; i'm assuming i had saw the notification but forgot to respond.

thank you so much for the welcoming support and i have and will continue making sure i'm safe! big hugs <3

[open-me-careful1y]

and here i am

ruthlessly putting my money into things

that simple will never buy human connection

darling

i just want you

[shes-not-mine]

the tattoos adorned on your skin tell a story let me trace every page; let me consume each word i'm know you are aware of my desire for reading

there are moons inked on your back i caught a glimpse of them, amidst last week's heat my cheeks reddened as if i imposed on something intimate yet my eyes were bewitched and my gaze remained glued

i am intrigued, needless to say, may i learn more of this tale? or is this an instance of passing by a bookshop window and never finding that windowsill display again

i barely even know you you are not the woman you present yourself as but, i know more about you than others like me do so tell me please,

will there ever come a day i will learn of your moons? -this is not something the textbooks can answer

[shes-not-mine]

i knew you were never attainable, so i love you from afar the idea of you so beautiful, i refuse to seek the true reality

wonder is a synonym for beauty we fall for things we do not understand for the excitement of not knowing intoxicates our souls the thrill of risking everything for the unknown is romantic

strip something of its essence, and replace it with fact and figure, the appeal is no longer existent; the thrill cease to be el sol glows as a gentle jewel hanging from my window up close, she wields enchanting flames of destruction

[shes-not-mine]

what would it be like to be alone with you again? it's been so long, i have almost forgotten the way my heart would pound against my chest, the way your eyes would dive into my soul

you are an explorer, plummeting into the ocean of my heart i usher you forward, daring you even it's dark, and dangerous; too deep and you may drown but beneath it all is the gold glistening dully, on its last thread of hope

the memories are fading into nothingness but maybe it's meant to be, like letting go of blissful childhood, when adulthood is ushering you forward yet, i miss the way i felt when i was alone with you don't let this be something ordinary in pink tint

i ache, and i ache, but that will do nothing at all please call for my name, i just want to feel special once more

[shes-not-mine]

but you are a painting and i am a bystander you are as beautiful as sappho, and i say this with candour i stop and i stare, but i'm not the only one your world does not revolve around me for i am not the sun

[antigonehappy]

Asians are NOT basically white.

We have been trying to tell you this for so goddamn fucking long. We are NOT basically white, we don’t get TREATED as basically white, and we are SICK of people assuming this.

If we were treated as “basically white”, we would not be fetishized the way we are. We would not be infantilized. Our cultures would not be stereotyped and demonized and ridiculed. We would not be blamed for a fucking pandemic that was not our fault in any way. We would not be blamed constantly for the actions of the Chinese government when many of us aren’t even ethnically Chinese.

We would not be SHOT because of our race. Our businesses would not be targeted because of our race.

We are often excluded from spaces designed to support POC because they think we’re “basically white”, or don’t need that support. We are excluded from mainly-white spaces because we aren’t Caucasian.

It’s a fucking SHAME that it takes a fucking MASS SHOOTING for y'all to hear what we’ve been trying to tell you this entire fucking time.

We are not your pretty little waifu anime cuties. We are not your nerds or token characters. We are not your squinty-eyed caricatures. We are not your “communist virus”.

We are not getting constantly stereotyped, put down, shoved aside, and chiseled down by white people into a box of what their “model minority” should look like, fetishized, treated as a joke, and murdered by white supremacists just for you to go and say we’re “basically white”.

Thank you for your time.

[fatimatuzzohraa-deactivated2023]

The stars are breathing the heaviest of sighs, protesting about the distance between you and I.